You don't forget Mitch Hedberg.That casual wit, that innocent giggle, that complete lack of on-stage professionalism. Whether you remember him as the best worst standup comedian you've ever seen, or build monuments in his likeness to honor He Who is the Highest Arc of Subtle Comedic Genius to Date (we suggest the latter), you just don't forget Mitch--there is no one else like him around.Hedberg is the anti-comic: all long hair in his face, eyes on his shuffling shoes, sunglasses over his eyes, laughing at his own observational humor and messing up the delivery half the time. But that's why you know him. Like know him, know him. He's the shy kid in the back of the class who really wants to be social. Except Mitch is on stage. And he's fucking hilarious.His laid-back delivery, long hair, and sleepy eyes evoke the slacker/stoner label. His material, however, is intelligent, provocative, and very well-written. He's like the genius kid in high school that smoked dope constantly and still got a 1500 on his SATs.Imagine a world where drinking water comes with tadpoles, where pineapples grow in cute little chunks, where sheets lying on the floor are ghosts, where burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef. Welcome to Mitch Hedberg's reality. Isn't it nice here?This, one imagines, is how his fans must feel about him. While there's nothing exclusive or alienating about his cool, he seems to exist in his own koalalike zone, cuddly and approachable, but also a bit of a cipher, hidden behind his hair and his sunglasses, fundamentally remote.Hedberg's wry material shines a light on incongruity and hypocrisy, and drives it home with the sure, slow, measured power of an oil drill. Hedberg doesn't rip jokes off rapid fire, he lays them out in the comedic equivalent of football's long bomb.___________________________________On March 29th, 2005 Mitch passed away. He was 37.And he will never be forgotten.
Quotations;"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.""An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'""Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."I like to 'bout the differences between frogs and bears, when there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my fuckin' sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, 'cause fly zig-zags and my sandwiches do not. If I want some honey on some toast, I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog.I got my hair highlighted, because I thought some strands were more important than others. Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful... I'm gonna go pick something up."I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from of my neck. Don't go to see Dr. Acula!I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.I was on That 70's Show, one episode, and I put it on my acting resume. Acting resume before that was sparse. It was full of bullshit. I had to make things up. Acting experience: OK, when I play pool, if I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition: I acted like I didn't care.I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? zzippp... "Fuck you."As a comedian, I always get these situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms. Y'know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. "All right, you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act -- Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy. It's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, "All right, you're a cook... can you farm?"
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I've had the AIDS test four times. AIDS test is very scary to get. Doesn't matter whatcha been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool... cause you know me."Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus" One of those two doesn't sound right.I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not a member, man, I don’t know how I get away with it. “I like my sandwiches with 3 pieces of bread.†“So do I." "well let’s form a club then.†“OK, but we need some more stipulations.†“Yes we do, instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut again.†“Yes, 4 triangles, and we will position them into a circle, and in the middle, we will dump chips... or potato salad.†“OK." "Let me ask you a question: How you feel 'bout frilly toothpicks?†“I’m for 'em!†“Well, this club is formed... spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa spouts." "Well, then you're not in the fuckin' club."
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? -- people are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.