Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile profile picture

Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile

...that monstrum horrendum, an unprincipled man of genius...

About Me

N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N N The above two videos are two of my heroes. First, Charles Bukowski reading some of his work, and then Tom Waits reading some of Bukowski's work. Yay. When I die, I am going to steal his epitath. "Don't Try."


The above is an excerpt from the atrocity known as Children of the Living Dead. Enjoy, look out for Abbot Hayes. If you have not seen this movie, I assure you it is one of the worst ever made, and if you are a prospective filmmaker, you need only see this movie to reaffirm your belief that you can make it.

I'm Kyle. Nice to meet you, if you're reading this for the first time or I don't really know you. There's not too much to know about me really. I'm a student and a writer, I'm a year away from graduating and hopefully a step away from being published. That step being gaining the gravitas to send my stuff out for consideration. What can I say, I have confidence issues. I don't like stupid people, selfish people, self-involved, boring, uninteresting people. I don't like people who wear one face and then gladly turn around and put on another. I don't like liars, I like people who mean what they say and say what they mean. If you aren't any of the above, groovy, I'd be happy to be your pal.


I like cigarettes, including Lucky Strike non-filters, Marlboro 27s, Camel Reds, Camel Red Lights, Turkish Silvers, Camel Special Lights, and Camel No. 9's. Don't lecture me, I know smoking gives you rainbows in your lungs and makes people put hamburgers in your mouth when you are hungry, I don't care. I know there are folks who want me to quit, and maybe I should, but if I want to smoke, I say what the hell. If I die at 43, so be it. I'm going to proceed the way I want.

My Interests

Reading. Writing. Those are basically my two passions. I wish I had more time to do both, but it makes it all the more worthwhile when you actually catch a breath to do it. I also like watching good movies (usually horror) and good television. I play video games too, those are fun. Basically, I guess to sumarize, I am interested in things that are interesting.

I'd like to meet:

I suppose I would like to meet anyone who can write, or read, or do both. I'd like to meet people with good interests, such as horror movies and good humor. Somebody interesting, somebody fun, somebody full of life. I could use a good friend or two, somebody to share a laugh with. Jesus. Plato. Santa Claus. My Maker. Death. The Living Dead. Jeff Bridges. Someone who can carry on a decent conversation about nothing. Someone who can carry on a decent conversation about diet soda. People who like horror movies. I want to meet people that I actually want to know. I want to know people who want to know me. I hope to meet a woman one day who I can give all of my love to, and who in turn can do the same and mean it. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." Emerson

If anyone can specify the irony of my quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, I will give you a shiny nickel.

Music:


Movies:

Tons of movies. Dark Star, Assault on Precinct 13 (Carpenter Version), All 8 Halloween's (Including 3), The Fog, Escape From New York, The Thing, They Live, Duel, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Scanners, Dead Zone, Videodrome, Naked Lunch, Existenz, The Fly, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1, 2, 3, and Remake, All 10 Friday The 13th Movies, All 7 Nightmare on Elm St. Movies, Blue Velvet, The Satanic Rites of Dracula, All the Universal Horror Classics (Frankenstein, Dracula, Mummy, Wolfman, etc.), Near Dark, Dog Soldiers, The Vanishing (Foreign one), Nosferatu, Creepshow, Donnie Darko, Straw Dogs, From Dusk Til' Dawn, House on Haunted Hill, Last Man on Earth, Don't Look Now, In the Mouth of Madness, Prince of Darkness, Body Bags, Starman, Memiors of an Invisible Man, Cemetery Man, Marnie, Psycho, The Birds, The Man Who Knew Too Much, Shadow of A Doubt, Lifeboat, basically every Hitchcock movie to keep it short, Night of the Living Dead 68 and 90, Dawn of the Dead 78 and 04, Zombie 2, 28 Days Later, Return of the Living Dead, Dead Alive, Shaun of the Dead, Evil Dead 1 and 2, Army of Darkness, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic, An Evening With Kevin Smith, Clerks, Clerks 2, Mallrats, Chasing Amry, Dogma, Jay and Bob, Jersey Girl, Vulgar, Reservior Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, True Romance, Seven, Fight Club, Crimson Tide, The Game, Memento, Bubba Ho-Tep, Old School, ShalloweHal, Orange County, The Big Lebowski, Fargo, Insomnia, Pi, Requiem For A Dream, The Smashing Machine, Some Kind of Monster, LOTR Trilogy, Star Wars series, Spy Game, The New World, The Hills Have Eyes original and remake, Spider Man one and two, X-Men 1-3, Daredevil, The Punisher, Hellboy, The eork of the immortal Ed Wood, Ed Wood, Porn, Anthropophagus, Creep, Night Watch, Frailty, The Exorcist, Boogie Nights, Friday Night Lights, First Blood, Carlito's Way, Death Race 2000, Scarface, Domino, High Tension, Angel Heart, Sin City, The Frighteners, Broken Flowers, Down By Law, Dead Man, Coffee and Cigarettes, Best of the Best, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Demons, Reefer Madness, King Kong, The Transporter 1 and 2, Dave Chappelle's Block Party, Boxcar Bertha, The Last Waltz, New York New York, Raging Bull, Heat, Cape Fear, Goodfellas, Versus, Collateral, Miami Vice, Serpico, Casino, Dog Day Afternoon, Network, All the President's Men, The Godfather Trilogy, The Untouchables, Donnie Brasco, The Boondock Saints, Blade Runner, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrells, Punch Drunk Love, Dead Ant Suit (LOLLOLOL), The Blair Witch Project, Tigerland, Chinatown, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Where the Boys Are, High Fidelity, A Beautiful Mind, The Professional, The Fifth Element, A Clockwork Orange, The French Connection, Ronin, Dead or Alive, The Seven Ups, Red Eye, Silent Hill, V for Vendetta, The Descent, I Heart Huckabees, 21 Grams, The Shawshank Redemption, Freddy Got Fingered, Sideways, Bad Santa, Terminator, Terminator 2, Robocop, Pirates of The Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and Pirates of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest, Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow, Finding Neverland, Secret Window, Cry Baby, Blow, The Ninth Gate, Nick of Time, From Hell, Dr. Strangelove, Easy Rider, The Good the Bad and the Ugly, Fistfull of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, Once Upon a Time in the West, Once Upon a Time in America, Castle Freak, Dagon, From Beyond, Team America: World Police, South Park, Wet Hot American Summer, The Baxter, Saved, American Splendor, The Mothman Prophecies, Lost in Translation, Oldboy, Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Sympathy For Lady Vengeance, the Descent, An American Werewolf in London, Million Dollar Baby, Cinderella Man, American Psycho, The Machinist, Snatch, Anchorman, El Mariachi, Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Citizen Kane, The Mummy Returns, Two Evil Eyes, Dead and Buried, Napoleon Dynamite, MPD Psycho, Izo, One Missed Call, Visitor Q, The Lost Boys, Mulholland Drive, Lost Highway, Garden State, Just Before Dawn, The Rules of Attraction, Baseketball, The Black Society Trilogy, the Dead or Alive Trilogy, Sabu, Full Metal Yakuza, Audition, Ichi the Killer, Ichi-1, Martin, Deep Red, Inferno, Opera, Suspiria, Bird with the Crystal Plummage, The Warriors, Man with the Screaming Brain, The Beyond, House By the Cemetery, City of the Living Dead, The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue, Nightmare City, Hell of the Living Dead, Dead Heat, Children of the Living Dead, Haxan, Batman Begins, Superman Returns, Batman, Batman Returns, Maniac Cop, Land of the Dead, Cabin Fever, Saw, Saw II, Re-Animator, Raptor, Ringu films, Office Space, American History X, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, The Undertaker and his Pals, The Alien Quadrilogy, Predator, Predator 2, Freddy v. Jason, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Poltergeist, Eraserhead, Training Day, The Omen, The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, The Brotherhood of the Wolf, The Elephant Man, Hotel Rwanda, Kingdom of Heaven, Motel Hell, Deranged, Dead Next Door, Last House on the Left, Walk the Line, Ray, Battle Royale, Battle Royale 2, Dawn of the Mummy, Hellraiser, Hellraiser 2, Hellraiser 3, Equilibrium, Traffic, Made, Swingers, The Insider, Aviator, Good Night and Good Luck, Syriana, Three Kings, A History of Violence, Capote, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Crash (Cronenberg), Crash (Haggis), Schindler's List, The Crazies, The Howling, The Matrix Trilogy, Spider, Man on Fire, Planet of the Apes, Enter The Dragon, Unforgiven, Magnolia, Hostel, Running Scared, Silent Hill, Nightbreed, Wolf Creek, The Roost, Lucky Number Slevin, Four Rooms, Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood, Seven Samurai, Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, Sanjuro, Ran, Throne of Blood, Dreams, Mr. Arkadin, Onibaba, M, Sisters, The Departed, The Amazing Screw-On Head, Idiocracy, Letters From Iwo Jima, Pan's Labyrinth, The Last Kiss, The Science of Sleep, Little Miss Sunshine, Maniac, I could really go on. You name it, I might like it, unless I thought it sucked...the list grows gradually, somehow.

Television:

Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Reno 911, Stella, I'm With Busey, Thundercats, Beavis and Butthead, South Park, Liquid Television, The Maxx and the Head from the olden MTV Cartoons days, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Tom Goes to Mayor, Metalocalypse, Moral Orel, Assy McGee, 12 oz Mouse, Family Guy, The Simpsons, The Office (UK and American versions), My Name is Earl, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Dog Bites Man, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Saved by the Bell, Arrested Development, 24, The Shield, Miami Vice, Tales From the Crypt, Masters of Horror, Sportscenter, Wrestling, Chappelle's Show, Carlos Mencia (Is a complete fucking waste of life and the biggest joke is the fact he has a show and we even know who he is). I watch shit, like Maury and Springer, I enjoy The Price is Right and I don't know why. I hate MTV, but Fuse is pretty enjoyable. I like pretty much everyone on Adult Swim, although I dislike the Boondocks (not because I am racist, but because it isn't funny) or anime. ECW is a joke, and if you ever watched the original company from the 1990's that featured talent like Rob Van Dam, Chris Candido, Jerry Lynn, Steve Corino, and Tommy Dreamer and enjoyed what they bled and sweated for, don't watch this abomination. Stay far away. Watch Monk instead. Or Walker Texas Ranger (no token Chuck Norris Jokes here, folks).

Books:

Some writers I enjoy: Charles Bukowski, Robert McCammon, Stephen King, Ramsey Campbell, Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Clive Barker, Richard Laymon, Brian Lumley, Al Sarrantonio, Ambrose Bierce, Kurt Vonnegut, Ira Levin, Robert Bloch, Dennis Lehane, Frank Miller, Bryan Smith, Brian Keene, Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, John Shirley, John Skipp, Thomas Liggotti, Jack Williamson, Charles L. Grant, Jack Ketchum, Dean Koontz, Peter Staub, M.R. James, William Hope Hodgson, Robert W. Chambers, Elmore Leonard, Ray Garton, Joe Schreiber, Joe R. Lansdale, Joyce Carol Oates, Bentley Little, Tim Lebbon, Tom Piccirilli, Franz Kafka, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Amy Hempel, Harry Crews, Gary Braunbeck, JF Gonzales, Wrath James White, John Edward Lawson, James Chambers, Kim Paffenroth, Gerald Kersh, Tom Monteleone, Jeremy C. Schipp, Michael A. Arnzen, Edgar Allen Poe, Richard Matheson, Richard Christian Matheson, Mort Castle, D. Harlan Wilson, Jeffery Thomas, Jeremey Robert Johnson, Doug Warrick, Aurther Machen, Dan Simmons, F. Paul Wilson, and H.P. Lovecraft. The first novel I ever read, and one of my favorites, is Jaws. I love to read. Go figure.

Heroes:

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Charles Bukowski, Mike Patton, Herman Melville, Edgar Allen Poe, Dante, Bret Easton Ellis, John Carpenter, Richard Laymon, H.P. Lovecraft, Brian Posehn, Chuck Palahniuk, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Shawn Michaels, Carson Palmer, Bronson Arroyo, Robert Englund, Alexandre Aja, Rob Zombie, Jerry Seinfeld, Johnny Depp, David Cronenberg, Wes Craven, Neil Marshall, Kevin Smith, David Lynch, Wes Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller, Robert Kirkman, Ben Templesmith, Steve Niles, David Fincher, Ridley and Tony Scott, Robert DeNiro, George Romero, John Goodman (mostly when he's playing Walter), Lloyd Kaufman, Hershell Gordon Lewis, The Coen Brothers, Peter Jackson, Benicio Del Toro, Guillermo Del Toro, Warren Ellis, Joe Kelly, Todd McFarlane, Brian Michael Bendis, Alan Moore, Garth Ennis, Tom Jane, Jeff Bridges, Jesus (and by Jesus I mean John Turturro in Lebowski although I heard the other guy is decent as well), Eddie Guererro, Bruce Campbell, Michael Showwalter, Michael Ian Black, David Wain, Tom Waits, Christian Bale, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Collin Farrell, Denzel Washington, Takashi Miike, Jeffrey Combs, Dario Argento, Clive Barker, Stephen King, William S. Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, George Washington, Ronald Regan, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Matheson, Stan Lee, Bruce Campbell, Beat Takeshi, Steve Buscemi, Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, Sam Raimi, Larry David, Barack Obama, Chad Johnson, My mum, myself, because I can be. People who do their thing. People who ain't scared of nothin.

My Blog

Pretty Soon I’m Singin...Doo Doo Doo Lookin’ Out My Back Door

Hey folks, a brief update.  Buy Halloweenland by Al Sarrantonio.  I must insist on this. It's officially October.  Thank The Great Pumpkin.  The next 26 days or so stand to be the...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Fri, 05 Oct 2007 11:11:00 PST

It's Ready! Haunted Trail Reviews and a segue into a new business venture

Hey folks.  Some exciting news right off the bat.  Ya know how I tend to review things on here and go on rants and etc.  Well, my friends Doug Warrick, Nick Villars, and I have decided ...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Thu, 27 Sep 2007 11:03:00 PST

The Haunted House Review Channel - Part One

 Last night, on a cool then muggy September's eve, Nick Villars and I embarked on the journey that we aspire to take every year.  Our pilgrimage.  The night falls quicker, the air hold...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Mon, 10 Sep 2007 08:56:00 PST

It’s the moooost wonderful tiiiime of the yeeeeear

http://www.thelandofillusion.com/   Fuck yes.  Haunted houses.  Too rainy to hit the trail opening night, but you can bet your ass I'll be there tomorrow with bells on.  Death bell...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:35:00 PST

Lyrics...that’s sooo random...

Here are lyrics to a song I love, entitled Black Wings, by Tom Waits, off of the Bone Machine album.   Take an eye for an eyeTake a tooth for a toothJust like they say in the bibleNever leave a t...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Fri, 07 Sep 2007 04:50:00 PST

All you’ve been giving me is a mouthfull of Greek salad

School started yesterday.  Hoo-ray to school.  If I'm lucky, I'm out by year's end.  It'll be a test of will, for sure.  I already hate the idea of foreign language, the very idea ...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Wed, 05 Sep 2007 01:19:00 PST

The Blackest Eyes...Kyle Reviews Halloween!

First thing first, and this isn't going to fit into the context of any of the rest of this little writing thingy here, but I just saw that Burger King commercial where Puff Daddy drives up to the guy ...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Sat, 01 Sep 2007 03:11:00 PST

Send More Paramedics...

Just because I was bored, I decided to blog.  Busy last couple of weeks, been writing and revising and working on some stuff.  The march toward what one can only hope is my break into the b...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Mon, 27 Aug 2007 12:02:00 PST

Sweet Fucking Bearded Halo Guy, Why Are People So Damn Stupid

I was perusing the internet the other evening and stumbled upon a bit of a controversy that has been brewing on the world wide web for a bit.  I don't understand it quite frankly.  But here ...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Tue, 07 Aug 2007 12:26:00 PST

Things are looking up for the ol' right hander

I gotta say, I have never loathed Ohio so deeply in my whole life.  Not so much because this is a bad place, but because I loved Florida so much.  It renews my vigor to get the hell out of h...
Posted by Kyle Johnson - Certified Fearophile on Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:09:00 PST