I was a stripper…
When I was three years old, my parents divorced and my mother moved away, leaving me and my brother in the care of my father. My mother was a career woman who traveled often with her job. She eventually remarried and moved to South Africa.
I lived with my dad, my brother and a nanny, who was off on vacation every summer. My dad began molesting me when I was six years old, and continued to do so for many years. So my earliest experiences with my father figure were not good ones.
Each summer, my dad sent my brother and I to summer camp. But one summer in particular stands out. I was ten years old and this summer, my dad sent us to a Christian summer camp. I remember them teaching us that Jesus could be our real friend and that He would help us when we are afraid. I knew that I needed His help for the scary things that happened to me at home. One of the camp counselors spoke with me and asked me if I knew Jesus. She read Romans 10:9 with me which says: “that if you confess with your mouth, the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.†I accepted Jesus as my savior that summer and He made some real changes in my life soon after.
Later that year in the classroom, the school nurse talked to us about inappropriate parent and child behaviors. I realized that what was happening to me at home was wrong, so when she asked us to tell her if anything like this was happening to us, I did so after class.
Soon after that, the police arrived at my house and took me to a safe place for children like me. I was placed in a Christian foster home, and really liked it there. They eventually asked me if I would like for them to adopt me, and I did, but my mother would not relinquish her rights of guardianship to them.
Thus, I had to move to South Africa to live with her. In South Africa, I discovered what apartheid was. I had a black maid, who became like a mother to me. She taught me how to speak her language and became my friend as well. She was the only person I could really talk about God with. We had to talk about things when no one else was around though, because white people weren’t supposed to treat their black staff members as equals. The country was deeply immersed in the same spirit of segregation that America had been in during the 50’s and early 60’s. This was during the early 80’s.
During my high school days, my mother put me through modeling school and into pageants, the biggest being the Miss South Africa pageant. This is where I learned that I was able to handle being in the spotlight.
Once I graduated from high school, I remained in South Africa working in the hotel business and later somewhat in the fashion industry. I really missed America though, especially my family and wanted to come home. Finally I flew back to San Diego, Ca where I had been born and partly raised.
It didn’t take long to find work at a fashion store, where I immediately hooked up with new friends. My new friends were into the night life, and soon I was partying on weekends, including drinking and drugs.
I met two women who were dancers for bachelor parties. They told me I was very pretty and that I had a great body. They told me that I could be making as much money as they were if I got into the business too.
A drug dealer friend introduced me to a manager at a strip club who hired me on the spot. I began working that weekend. I will never forget how scared I was the first time I went out to the center of the stage to take my top off. But there was a rule for the men at the clubs, in which they could come no closer to the stage than six feet. I earned $40.00 in less than two minutes, and my fear quickly disappeared. Also, I soon discovered that I would be earning an average of $500.00 per night, which was more than I had ever made in one night in my entire life.
I did very well, monetarily in the business, but nothing ever satisfied the emptiness I was always trying to fill. I often times made tips ranging from $200.00 to $500.00 from high profile customers. I made lots of money, shopped, drank, did drugs, and finally decided that I was ready for the big time.
I wanted to see how I would do in Las Vegas. I started flying out there on the weekends and working clubs there, but I found out that most of the girls there had their own regular customers, and that I could still only make $500.00 a night on the weekends. One of the club owners sent me to Mexico, to work in some clubs there. I started with Tiaujuana, and wound up in Cabo San Lucas.
I did very well in Cabo, but did even more drugs, and even went out with clients to dinners, parties and had relations with some of them. After only a month in Cabo, I got bored and headed back to Vegas.
Once I got back to Vegas, I knew I had it all figured out. I worked myself up to the top of the dancers in my club, and gained special privileges from the owners. I had my own hotel room, went to special events with high profile clients, had relations with clients and found myself making anywhere from $500.00 (weeknights) to $1500.00 (weekends) per night.
Even so, I was still empty, and still not listening to God. Even a visitation from the Holy Spirit didn’t stop me. One night, in a strip club bathroom, I saw Jesus’ face and He asked me “Are you ready to come back to me yet?†I was then reminded of Revelations 3: 15, 16 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish that you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth.â€
I knew that God was speaking to me and knew that I was cold, very cold towards Him. But I was afraid that if I stepped into a church, I would be judged for the things I had been doing.
I drank more, did more drugs, even harder drugs, and shopped and shopped and shopped. I also got into gambling; it wasn’t uncommon for us girls to walk away with some of our client’s chips.
Finally, the night came when I sat alone in my room, crying and afraid. I had discovered I was pregnant and I had been doing so many drugs and living such a bad life I was afraid. I looked up and saw Jesus again, in the corner of my room, looking at me. He said, â€Are you ready to come back to me? I can clean up this mess.†I told Him that if He was really God, he would clean up this mess!
Two weeks later, coming down from another drug induced high, I called my dad and asked him for help. I told him I was pregnant and scared and didn’t know what to do. He told me I could come and stay with him so we could talk it over.
I went to Texas to stay with him and he asked me if I wanted an abortion. I told him that I didn’t want an abortion because I was lonely and wanted to fill the void in my life with the baby.
I stayed with him, got a part time job, and found myself driving past the church just down the road on a regular basis. I felt drawn to try church, and began going every Sunday. I got involved with aerobics there, went to Bible studies, a singles group, and took bible based classes that pertained to life issues. I became hungry for the things of GOD instead of for the things of the world.
I met people who had integrity, did what they said they would do, had morals, and honest qualities. The thing I remembered most was that they had genuine love for each other, and even for me. My aerobics class gave me a baby shower, visited me in the hospital when she was born and cooked meals for me after I came home.
Six months after my daughter was born, I joined a Christian dating service. I knew the only man for me would have to be a Christian man, because that is the only kind of man who would have the qualities I desired in a man. I hadn’t found him at church because I had been so busy learning and being involved in activities and I wasn’t going to look for him in clubs either!
Two months into my membership, I attended a dinner party hosted by the Christian dating agency, and I met my (then future) husband. We talked together for most of the party, and I gave him my phone number. He called me that night, before I even got home. My father answered the phone, and confronted me as soon as I got in the door. He was very concerned for me because I had met this man at a party. My father's and my relationship had changed, grown so much with God’s love and forgiveness working through us that he was now the father/granddfather I valued.
In the end, I learned that, after my daughter was born, that God was the only One who could fill that void in my life. No one, not even my husband or my daughters (I have three daughters now) can take the place of my Heavenly Father. God had used my first daughter to save my life, and in the end bring me back to Him. Yes, life has got better - I do experience loss, grief and disappointments, it sure is better to know I can talk to God about it and read His word too. Please let us pray for you and encourage you...
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