Dean

Why did the chicken cross the road? For the Cock.

With most music you only hear one side of the story. Duets, aren't like that at all.

I've always known that women should have more orgasms than men per session. But I had no idea there was an equation to calculate this phenomenom... I'm not sure what the equation is, I haven't worked on it yet. But I do know it has to do with PI.

Does this shirt make me look like a male shovenist?

People of Earth!!! Hear my words.

I think pit bulls are like shark and Chihuahuas are like piranha.

I set my alarm for July 7th 2007 at 7:07am. I was hoping something supernatural was going to happen. I’m so fucking bored with life!

Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year. Just kidding… but it sounded scary right?

I just checked my horoscope… Should be a good day today.

Hey check me out! Hecho en Mexico.

Here I am… Rocked you like a hurricane. Scorpions ROCK!!! Where’s my lighter?

My mountain bike & my ex-girlfriend were a lot alike. They both tried to kill me… a lot. My ex-girlfriend tried to kill my spirit. My mountain bike just tried to kill me. My ex-girlfriend left me & my mountain bike was stolen. I have a feeling I’m better off now.

I have naked pictures of my new bike.

I tell you what’s surprising… not the fact that I don’t want McDonalds, but the fact that you do.

I just checked my love-scope… Should be a cozy evening.

A Chipotle burrito can be cut in half and eaten over the course of two meals. And that is what makes it such a great value. Extra lettuce please… Gracias.

I like when girls play hard to get… because once they start running I know I can catch them.

I tell you what… I am a hurricane on my bike. And… my bike doesn’t just love me because I never stop peddling it… or because I have a sexy ass… oh no. It loves me for my brain too. Both left and right side. It doesn’t care that I’m crazy. I talk to it on the way to the gym and things, and we laugh together… “How much you want to bet this guy tries to run us over? Hahahaha!” Yeah, that’s right, we laugh. My bike thinks my thoughts are funny… Even the ones about insurance fraud. And I’ve never made a big deal about it being a talking bike, In fact I respect it so much more.

Do something famous. -Ray Slogar

The gold rush is nothing compared to the diamond rush.

Some pie is and some pie isn’t. But it’s the pie that’s as nice as I that make me feel as sweet as sugah.

I just checked my Porno-scope… I’m going to be tired tomorrow.

People of Earth!!! skip rope.

My Jeep wants this tattoo: If you can read this, I’m about to run you over!

Deep down inside I’m good.

I love the smell of fresh mulch in the morning… that smell… that cow manure smell… smells like… shit.

I’m a keeper, but you don’t have to keep me.

When I do nice things, it makes the evil spirits that hate me, hate me even more. I love to make them angry because when I die, the evil spirits and I will fight. I want them to bring their A game. I’m going to bring my C game, my R game and my P game. I’m going to use the letters to spell CRAP and then I’ll make them step in it… and probably make them eat it too.

No, I won’t help you move.

According to the astrological zodiac, I’m a Scorpio. According to the Chinese zodiac, I’m a Rooster. How cool is that?

One of my favorite words is cunnalingus. My other favorite word is Oh-Dean.

There is no such thing as a lesbian. It’s just an easy excuse girls give when they don’t want to have sex with me. That’s fine, I’ll wait.

So the other day I got this fortune cookie: “Fear knocked on the door, Faith answered and no one was there.” This made perfect sense to me, Fear likes to door bell ditch.

If you’re feeling cunning, I’m feeling lingus.

If you’re not begging for it you really don’t want it.

People of Earth!!! Stop running over animals.

For those of you that think I don’t think my shit stinks; believe me… it does.
I like when I get goose bumps. It reminds me I haven’t played Duck Duck Goose in a while. Duck duck duck duck duck duck DUCK! Gets ‘em every time.

There’s a reason why I’m so easy to look at… I’m very hard to deal with.

People of Earth!!! Stop throwing trash out your car windows.

People that eat at McDonalds, not only are you fat, but you’re litter bugs. Fat, lazy, litter bugs. Hey fat fatty lazy fat fat… what’s wrong? Can’t get off your fat fatty fat and throw away your “leftovers”? Trick question, there are no “leftovers”! Do me a favor and eat the wrapper too, I think there’s enough mayonnaise on it that it’ll probably taste good. And this way you can pretend to get some fiber in your diet. Fatty. I’m just kidding, I love everyone.

I hope I die this year.

People of Earth!!! Go home.

My Jeep has a few tattoos… Two of which are on the wheel well behind each front tire, it says, “Jeep Wrangler”, factory tattoos. But my Jeep doesn’t like them and wants to change them to say, “Creeping Strangler”. I was like, Hell No! You already have too many tattoos! My Jeep threw a temper tantrum and now the engine light comes on.

I went to the store on Sunday and bought some fruit. Throughout the week I ate the bananas, I ate the apples. But I didn’t eat the peaches. The peaches just sat there in my fruit basket. They looked real good but I never touched them. Which helps prove my theory, I don’t eat peaches… I just eat pussy.

Things were a little different growing up in California. My friends would come over, knock on the door, my mom would answer and my friends would ask, can Dean come out and get high?

What are words when you’re alone?

I chew gum when I ride my bike, incase I fall off or get in a fight.

I don’t know where these thoughts come from deep inside my brain. Why do I always think about dying of thirst in the desert?

I ate so many popsicles the other day that when I farted, it smelled like artificial cherries.

The closest thing I have to cable is PBS.

I haven’t hit anyone in the face in a very long time.

Think of me as a tool. Go ahead, don’t be shy, I’m not going to think any less of you. I just want you to have a smile on your face come morning. I’m a tool.

I like when coupons expire so I can finally throw them away.

Girls have outstanding peripheral vision. You know how I know? They are always looking at me out of the corners of their eyes.

When I pee outside I like to look up at the stars. Hmmm, who else is admiring my penis?

Melons and peaches, melons and peaches.

I believe common sense is just theory that still works.

Hard work is written all over my muscles.

I stretch before I do yoga.

I’m not an instigator. Therefore, if I am kicking your ass, you can conclude that it’s entirely your fault.

Dear Shoes: When I stop untying you, you’ve become my second pair.

Dear Girlfriend: You’ll become my second pair once you stop untying me.

People of Earth!!! Respect makes the world go round.

When I was a teenager, the only women I would date were pedophiles.

This is the kind of music they play in hell… Errrr! Gets me in a fighting mood, cause I ain’t going down there to just hangout with my friends.

I’m not going to burn in hell; I’m gunna walk on the coals and put my foot up the ass of something evil.

A perfectly cut diamond can be balanced on each one of its individual facets. I’m just kidding, I don’t know that, I just made it up.

It’s easy being insane these days with all the people in the world to blend in with.

I have specialty tags, hate me yet?

If you want to look sharp, don’t cut corners.

Why are drunk chicks so hot, and drunk guys so not.

People of Earth!!! FUCK… OFF. Jk, no I’m not.

*** THIS IS ALL OLD STUFF... ***

I think too much and my Girlfriend thinks too little of me.

"The more people I surround myself with, the more rounded I become..."

"Where the hell is that line I’m not supposed to cross...?"

"I’m going to run out of boredom before I run out of things to do..."

"If you have lint in your drier screen, it means your clothes are falling apart..."

"I am a pessimistic pacifist, I don't think I can stop killing people... That doesn't make any sense but I thought it was funny."

"I hate to break it to you but the dinner table and the breakfast table are one in the same..."

"School is roughly 90% learning..."

"Yoga, with it's strict style, is one of the least aggressive of all the martial arts..."

"Much to my disappointment, roller blades don't actually have blades on them..."

"There's nothing better than getting a betty ready..."

"Most of my friends are platonic... Some of the earth is tectonic... Steve Austin is bionic... and what ever it is, I’m on it..."

"Will kill for religion..."

"Butterflies are girls... Dragonflies are boys..."

"Deliberate act of violence against me and I'll fuck you up..."

"Capital Letters take longer to delete..."

"My money's on the inanimate object..."

"Red Bull gives you a reason to visit the recycling bin..."

"I'm like a clown that doesn't know how to make balloon animals..."

"I can kill you with a mear trillianth of a brain cell..."
"I think its funny that grass and tree leaves are the actual color green..."

"I was told to meet you here today..."