David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) profile picture

David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV)

4 a good time go 2 www.virtualsauce.com

About Me

I'm a black comedian with white premises. I'm a Dominican boyfriend with black features and Jewish tendencies (don't order dessert!). And I'm a bona fide martial artist with a WASPY physique. I'm half a Jew - only the good half (like Henry Hill) My mom's Jew'd out and my pops isn't. My pops is black... on the bottom of his feet (from forgetting to put on shoes and walking around barefoot). Behind their backs I make fun of white people who make fun of me for "acting black." Black people tell me I actually AM black on the inside but then they make fun of me for how white I am. Spanish people always look at me like they don't trust me, until they hear that I speak their language fluently - then they're down to give me their first born! But they're kind of hesitant about their 23rd and 24th born (those guys are special!). My cousin doesn't like Arabs but she claims not to be racist. I never had any problems with no Arabs - they been charging $1 for Snapples at their stores the whole time while these fuckin' Koreans been going up to $1.25 and now $1.50. Sometimes I wish I wasn't called the "Eminem of comedy" but I never wish I was a rapper. Ghetto black girls be hollerin' at me cuz I'm as close as they'd come to a white guy, and quasi-racist, suburban white girls be hollerin' cuz I'm as close as they'd come to a black guy. Spanish girls and Asians don't be hollerin' too much, a) cuz they don't speak English, and b) cuz their faces are too stuffed with rice. Holla! But for real... check me out at www.virtualsauce.com... OR on my weekly talk show, "Sauce's World Tour," every Thursday night at 11:30pm on channel 57... (go to www.mnn.org - ch.57 if u ain't in Manhattan).

My Interests

Trying to stop intellectualizing why I am intellectually, spiritually, and morally superior to every other being in my world, intellectualizing why I am intellectually, spiritually, and morally superior to every other being in my world, trying not to have a convulsion that sends my body flying to the tiled floor while the needles are in me during acupuncture treatments, randomly interjecting in social ciphers with reminders that the New York Football Giants are champions of the world, and failingly attempting to even out my mattress by spending an equal time on both sides of it each night. Impossible!

I'd like to meet:

A minority with a lot of money and a knack for spotting comedic talent, and an intelligent woman who loves old hip hop and football and doesn't "love gay guys!" Other than that I'm down to holla at everyone... or no one. Either way...

Music:

Late 80’s and early 90’s hip hop and late 60’s and early 70’s rock. That was real music for real dudes and dudettes. What’s happened to hip hop now is what happened to rock in the 80’s (except of course G N’ R rocked)... hence tight clothes and bright colors coming back in style. BIG forever. Smart people with soul know the deal.

Movies:

Lords of Dogtown, Godfather 1 and 2, Weekend At Bernies, The Faculty, Midnight Run, My Cousin Vinny, Mystic River, Men At Work, The Great White Hype, Paid In Full, Juice, The Naked Gun, Friday, A Few Good Men, 40 Year old Virgin, Mean Girls, Another 48 Hours, Die Hard With Avengeance, Summer School, License to Drive, and any of Chevy's scenes in the Caddyshacks. Oh, and MY flick! "Truck Jewels and The Big Bad Ridiculous." You can peep the trailer at: http://saucecomedy.com/index.asp?sauce=media

Television:

SUPER BOWL 42. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!..................... Letterman’s still my dude. Colbert is awesome. No sitcom will ever be able to follow Seinfeld. For some reason my brain does not gel with cartoons but I def respect South Park’s gangsta. Family Guy would be good if they tried less. Effort in comedy is a paradox. Oh, and any highlights from Super Bowl 42 make for a good time.

Books:

The Godfather, Malcolm X, anything by Osho or Eckhart Tolle, nothing by Ayn Rand (smart but too much - plus I don’t agree), Metu Neter by Ra Un Nefer Amen, Roots, Emperors and Idiots, Moneyball, Bringing Down the House, The Westies, and despite how it sounds I have to admit that The DaVinci Code was dope.

Heroes:

Eli Manning (it's funny when spectator-people with banal, meaningless, generic jobs attempt to judge and analyze those of us with the dynamic jobs who provide them with their daily entertainment to fill their otherwise empty lives).

My Blog

I ain’t at home.

People say myspace ruins relationships. You know who I hear say that shit all the time? Fuckin' stupid people. Myspace does not ruin relationships any more than alcohol or whores do. Weak-minded peopl...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:18:00 PST

"Off The Record"

When you hang out with funky cats, people say funky shit. In my old crib we used to keep this paper up on the wall, and anytime somebody dropped an ill-ass gem we'd record it on a piece of paper entit...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Wed, 09 Apr 2008 06:18:00 PST

"David Foster"

"Sauce" was never a stage name for me. I'm inclined to think stage names are corny. Sauce was my nickname before I ever started to do comedy. My crew in college was one I was and am proud to have call...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Sun, 30 Mar 2008 02:33:00 PST

You’ll never wife me if...

1) You have a tattoo right above your ass. No, not because it's a "tramp stamp." Just because it's probably the most unoriginal thing after getting your ears pierced (which is fine) that a girl could ...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:44:00 PST

Yo, word is bond, fuck Mike Vick and all his fans!

As a native New Yorker and die hard Yankee and Giant fan I can't help but feel a little annoyed and do a little stereotyping when I see some goatee-faced, fraternity-looking white guy wearing a Red So...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Fri, 08 Feb 2008 11:00:00 PST

DONT HATE, SON

Okay, so I know this is kinda serious for a fuckin’ myspace blog but I figured, fuck it, why not just throw it up and educate, namean? I’ve been reading like a ton of spirituality books in...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Sun, 25 Nov 2007 12:10:00 PST

Stand-Up comics

Okay... so I'm sick of hearing the pseudo-intellectuals and laymen of the world label and psychologically analyze comedians with cliches that some asshole made up back in the eighties during the last ...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Sun, 25 Nov 2007 05:22:00 PST

Still proud to be a YANKEE.

The Red Sox are having a great decade. Call us when you have a great century. The Mets will always, always be New York's second team. The Yankees, despite their postseason failures of recent times, ar...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Thu, 11 Oct 2007 10:26:00 PST

Mattingly’s a born loser

I don't believe in "curses." Curses are for Red Sox fans. A "curse" is just a made up excuse  a scapegoat for why your team has failed for as long as it has. What is the curse on the Philadelphia Phi...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Tue, 09 Oct 2007 11:41:00 PST

Athlete drafting is NOT like slavery!

I recently performed at the Manhattan Monologue Slam at the New York Film Academy, which is a pretty cool event where actors get to perform monologues and basically compete. It's obviously not as cool...
Posted by David Foster ('Sauce' of MTV) on Sat, 08 Sep 2007 02:53:00 PST