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----------- -------- "I think laughter may be a form of courage. As humans we sometimes stand tall and look into the sun and laugh, and I think we are never more brave than when we do that." Linda Ellerbee Life sure seemed easier when we were kids. Our dreams gave us hope. Our girlfriends gave us life. We wanted to grow up and change the world. We thought once we went to college, picked a major, and graduated that our dreams would manifest themselves some how. I do not know that it ever really occurred to any of us, that our dreams would change.
Mine have changed over the years. I've dreamt of being: an actress; a Ringling Brother's Clown ( I actually applied for clown college when I was 19 - I failed juggling.); a speaker; an encourager; a corporate trainer; an engineer; even a comic. I was raised by a single mother to get an education and have a career. I did that, for 12 years, and then walked away from it all to raise my boys as a stay home mom. What's neat looking back is I do all of those things in my life today in some fashion or another. I might not be able to juggle balls, BUT I juggle sports, music, school, and church schedules for two teen-age boys, my husband and myself, pretty well I might add.
Most of all though, I want to be a writer. Can you tell? A friend of mine and I were talking about dreams and life. Maybe it's because we are both in our 40's and personal reflection comes at this age for most people. On the other hand, maybe it's because we are both feeling the same "push" from somewhere deep within ourselves to step out in faith and stretch our wings a little.
She and I have spent most of our adults lives as wives and mother's and are in a lot of ways now trying to find our own identities, not necessarily apart from our roles, but in addition to them. She is an empty nester wondering who she is now, and I have a full nest complete with two boys, a husband, two dogs, two frogs, a rabbit, a guinea pig, and a tank of fish. Even though we are at different seasons, if you will, we share the common bond of wondering, "Is this all that I am?"
My boys have gone so far as to ask me what I planned to do once they left home and spread their own wings. That surprised me a little, until I found out, they fully expected me to sit around home waiting for them to return and just pine away for the "good old days when I got to be their mom." My answer surprised my youngest. I told him I was going to simply live my life and have as much fun as I could. No different than I live now, really. I live my life with what is in front of me, and I keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other, with full faith in God. Children have a hard time separating the "Mom" from "Woman."
I won't hit that empty nest with wondering who I am. I wear many hats. Some I try on for size for a short season, some I keep. My husband loves the fact that I am always changing, always growing, always reaching just past the length of my arms. Right now, I write. Not because I want to always, but because there is something inside me that drives me to. I wake up "while it is yet dark" to seek God's face. To study, learn, grow, and write. Why so early? It's the only time of quiet in my house.
I started a blog at the encouragement of a friend who told me "Everyone is doing it. Writer's write. Stop hiding your writing and take a risk. Put yourself out there for a change." She'd thought I'd become too self-protective, and she was right. I had. I was hiding.
So here I am on the web; out there and exposed. Truthfully, I'd still write even if no one read my stuff. I write for me, I write for God. And I write for the one person who might be touched, even just a little by what they read. I don't write to change the world, I write to touch hearts.
I find my voice, through writing. I find my heart through my girlfriends and I find my soul through Christ.
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