Jimmy The Homeless

Why Your Band Are Shite:1. Don't sing in an "American" accent, even if you are American...Use your own accent!2. Don't do covers...They are a/Shit b/Too Difficult. (Thank you Malcolm Mclaren)3. Don't have the word BABY in any of your songs unless you are Dianna Ross or the Pipettes.4. Don't have the word SOUL in your song unless you are James Brown.5. Don't do FUNK unless your name is Bootsy.6. No excuse exists for using a harmonica or saxaphone.7. Digery fuckin' don't!8. Don't sing with your eyes closed....you look like a twat.9. You don't have "The Blues" what you have is a Fender Strat' that your daddy bought you, now fuck off.10. Don't do songs about drugs unless you are Shane McGowan or Shaun Ryder.11. When no one is interested in your music, it doesn't mean you are Antifolk or Avant Garde it means you are shit...go back to the bedroom and have a re-think.12. Be nice to the Sound People...manners are free and they are paying for their sins by being forced to listen to your shit!13. Don't say "Thanks!" untill someone claps.14. Don't appologise for anything on stage. If you make a mistake, do it again and pretend you meant it.15. Never blame the audience. It's not their job to listen, it's your job to entertain (Does not apply in London where all Audiences are cunts.)16. Guitar solos....mmmmmmh, just remember "Anyone can play guitar"17. Jazz has melody, Noise is just noise...go write a fucking tune!18. Tune up BEFORE you go on stage. 19. Don't bore the audience with anecdotes unless you are either a) naturally very funny or b) Calvin Johnson (Thank you Electric Honey from the Plan B forum.)20. "Making things more organic" is great if you're making vegetable soup but disastorous in song-writing. (Thank you Paul Hawkins)