Our organization seeks to bring respectification® to all those deserving respectification®. If you have not been contacted by the ringtone 'Warriors, come out and play' immediately followed by a giant hand descending from heaven, you are not on the list. If you see a giant hand descending from heaven: Run. Descending hands from heaven are the leading cause of death in slow-footed pussies with too much self-esteem.
Due to requests, here is our updated 2007 list:
SHIT THAT'S SCARY AS HELL
And
WILL EVENTUALLY END LIFE AS WE KNOW ITor the more grammatically correct and Tart approved,
“Things of Which To Be Scaredâ€.
1. Iran
Triumphantly topping our list, the holocuast denying, Jew Hating, loonily run country is first in our hearts like a broken bottle attached to your drunk uncle’s hand on New Year’s Eve.
Wonder if this is what it felt like in 1938? Mustaches aren’t far off.
2. Iraq.
We know if you squint most of it isn’t on fire, but the death toll (we’d say 3,000 but in the time it took to write this sentence a few more kids won’t be coming home) is alarming, even when actual Iraqi deaths aren’t figured in (this would mean attributing worth to a foreigner’s life, and the US is not equipped to address such a situation at this time).
3. Militant Islam.
When you hear a three year old girl call Jews ‘pigs and apes’ on CNN and wish for the destruction of the country your body is currently occupying...makes ya think.
4. Global Warming
The Bush administration was forced to admit its existence.
Can’t get much scarier than that.
And An Inconvenient Truth may win Al Gore an Oscar, but a shiny, gold bald man is no match for an ‘I told you so,’ atop the last sliver of Florida’s drowning coast. He always said he’d get you bitches back.
5. North Korea
Making a platform shoed dive, this cartoon evil country drops to number five, but only because we kinda’ forgot all about it, what with numbers 1,2,3 and 4 taking up more of our limited brain space.
6. Dependence on fossil fuels
Remember when gas was under $2? Remember when you laughed at the retard down the street with solar panels on his roof? Remember when there were dinosaurs? Thank God the Jews built a time machine and buried them in that tar pit 6,127 years ago (the exact age of the universe).
Hey, wait a second. Maybe the Jews are responsible for all the violence in the world.
Mel Gibson you drunk, beautiful bastard. When will we learn your words are literally scripture?
7. Democrats.
Sure, they look hot and willing now. But did you know most of the newly elected are ‘Conservative’ Democrats, or ‘Blue Dog' Democrats, or ‘Spawns of Satan’?
Their views mirror most Republicans, minus the lowercase’d’ tattooed on their foreheads (looks like a ‘b’ in the mirror, causes all kinds of trouble).
8. Evangelicals
They want to cleanse the world of debauchery and sin.
So basically, uh, we at The O for R would be cleansed out of existence. We kinda like the way we live, and sorta think we're pretty right about most things, so, Evangelicals...how about you live your life the way you want to and let us do the same? Like the dude with the beard said 2,000 years ago?
Your perceived rights are starting to encrouch on ours. Don't make us move to Ireland. We'll bad mouth you in every pub we can stumble to.
9.Science
Stop complicating things.
There are nine planets. NINE. It doesn't matter what's accurate. It doesn't matter what's true. Our mnemonic device is only equipped to handle nine planets, and we are not sacrificing it just so you can further the world's understanding of the universe.
The Earth was created in six days. God made us that Saturday. Jesus can fly. Lets stick to the facts, scientists.
10. Jesus' imminent (winged) return
And he's gonna be pissed.
11.Colored people
They know what they did.
And finally:
A M E R I C A
It's a cannibal, and your heart looks mighty tasty.
THE END
(OR IS IT?)
..................................................
According to Wikipedia which is always right whether it is or not,
a wide variety of bird groups became extinct during the Mesozoic Era, leaving no modern descendants.
It is now officially our favorite era.
We pray for a bomb blast into the Mesozoic Era.
The Stone Age is for pussies.
He blamed the wrong people.
Nay.
The wrong species.
What have Jews ever done except be accused of killing a dude 2000 years ago?
Like Lenny Bruce said, maybe it was just a party that got out of hand.
And as long as we're pointing fingers (we like to point fingers) The Romans are the real culprits.
Someone find us some Romans and we'll point at them.
Set 'em up in the town square (towns need more squares) and Christians can throw rocks, which is more ironic than anything has a right to be.
We've always known Gibson played Fantasy Jew Hating in his mind.
He even set it to music and moving pictures.
The Passion of The Christ is a 17 and a half hour long beating of a Jew.
Not much plot, but most snuff films are light on story.
An updated Rodney King video if you will.
And if King were Jewish, not on drugs and the cops were Romans.
So, yeah, POTC is a sequel of sorts (and has the same acronym as Pirates of the Caribbean).
But what is the fucking statute of limitations on messiah killing anyway?
It's 2007.
America just decided 40 years ago that maybe black people should be given the privilege of going to school with dumbass white kids.
Oh yeah, and who was that guy, said something about tolerance and loving your enemies, and trying not to be a total asshole?
John Lennon?
Some guy with long hair.
Damn separation of church and state.
Not enough teachers learnt us religion.
Always with the history and the laws.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, and speaking of him.
Total Jew.
Um. Dude.
A member of The Organization, who, as always, will not be named,
hit a bird.
With her face.
Or his.
Could be anyone.
Getting out of a car.
A bird.
In the face.
They've figured out we hate them.
The only thing to be said is:
What?
So Ahmadashamalamadingdong, or somethin' we'll need to know in the future after Iran conquers us, is vowing to, uh, conquer us.
In his mumble jumble crazy foreign talkin' code, he means to humiliate the US.
America gets too much credit.
We don't crusade unless it's for oil companies,
and we don't align unless it's for, uh, wadda ya' call it ...
oil companies.
So what if we've had a hand in killing and suffering?
We're only carrying the torch.
230 yrs, brutha.
But dude. A bird? In the face?
Not cool.
So our days of pacifism must and will come to an end.
We've only been contributing to the problem.
If we got rid of some of these mothafuckin' people, everything would get better.
Maybe Israel and Lebanon are just trying to help.
George Bush vetoed a bill that might help countless Americans fight debilitating diseases.
Good.
The more dead people the better.
You could be killing the next Beethoven.
You could also be killing the next Hitler, but that's a sacrifice we'll have to make.
And we'll try not to think about the fact that dead embryos help our plan.
The first to die will of course be The Hummer people.
Then Scientologists.
Then the prison population.
Redemption is a goddamn lie. If only they'd electrocute Bush like every other mentally retarded dude in Texas.
It is our feeling that if Noah hadn’t been some goddamn animal lovin’ hippie who spent all his time gettin’ drunk and nailing his daughters, we might not be up to our necks in birds right now.
The flood was God’s way of fixing a mistake :
Birds.
Of course birds have wings and most are adept at navigating through water.
This proves God is pretty damn dumb.
Nobody’s perfect.
We are not alone in believing birds are evil incarnate.
On CNN today it was announced that Dick Cheney has been named the head of
AAAA (American Anti - Avian Alliance).
It seems this organization was created for the sole purpose of eradicating the entire avian species.
Cheney will be forced to leave behind his torture viewing room at Guantanamo and his summer bunker at NORAD, but we all have to make sacrifices for the good of democracy (namely democracy).
This may be the first thing the Bush administration has ever done right.
Now if Cheney would just invite George Bush and Condoleeza Rice along on his future hunting trips, all will be well.
It’s already been well established Cheney hates old men and black people (God help you if you’re both old and black).
Bush just turned sixty and Condi’s whiteness has yet to spread to her skin.
Fingers crossed.
Has anyone noticed birds are gettin' a little uppity?
A friend of ours' (who shall remain nameless) is now a murderer.
A bird (who shall remain nameless and dead) hit the
headlight of her car and skidded across the roof.
We know because we were there.
We're supposed to have a pact.
We drive on roads like people and you fly away
like birds.
Soon they'll be stealing our jobs and fuckin' our women.
Fuckin' birds and their flyin'.
Someone, who shall remain nameless, recently informed us that Snuffleupagus, of Sesame Street, was meant to be portrayed as a figment of Big Bird's (also of Sesame Street) imagination.
For some reason this really freaked us the fuck out.
Did the creators of Sesame Street also mean to portray Big Bird as crazy?
It's cool with us that Big Bird's gay, we're all for diversity on television, but crazy?
If Snuffleupagus is the result of a delusional brain, then why does Gina talk to him?
They chat in front of Mr. Hooper's store regularly.
Is Gina crazy too?
Is that why she left without saying goodbye?
And why are we the only people who remember
Fraggle Rock?
There was so a giant talking trash heap. We saw it.
Are we crazy?
Why would someone want to destroy our childhood?
It's all so upsetting.
Oh, and Grover fuckin' rocks.
