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Darren

Don't try to change me, baby.

About Me

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My name is Darren and I can benchpress 400 pounds!!! My hobbies include working out, eating, and lying about how much I can benchpress. When I read signs, product labels, names, etc., I try rearranging the letters to spell something else. This is why I wish my parents named me Darret.
I am often very quiet, which some mistaken for cockiness, arrogance, etc., but in reality, I'm really shy around people I don't know. So if I'm not talking to you, it's because you didn't ask me anything. I grew up ugly and therefore, have the mentality of an ugly. I don't approach people, I don't hang out in well lit areas, and sometimes I have a hard time looking people in the eyes, because when I was younger, these behaviors resulted in people vomiting and/or beating me with heavy objects. Actually, that may not be accurate. I'd delete it, but I like it. Perhaps I'm quiet when I'm thinking. Most often, I'm thinking of something funny to say, wishing I was somewhere else, with someone else, or imagining what it might be like to have sex with you.
I have SOME perfectionist habits. I reread everything I write and wonder if there is a better way of wording it.
I file my nails about every 2 - 3 weeks, using a series of 4 files of increasing smoothness. See... I'm rereading that and wondering if I should've said "increasing grit" but I'm not sure if "grit" is the right word or if higher grit refers to the number or the coarseness. Now look at me... "coarseness"? What the hell am I saying?
I listen to my radio at volume increments that are multiples of 5.
I like interrupting people, but I'll plot to kill you if you interrupt me. And if you interrupt my plotting, your death will be slow and painful, assuming the plotting continues after you've shut your mouth.
I have a Jack Russell Terrier named Minnie, who enjoys raping my other dog's face. My mom yells at her when she does it, but I always secretly reward her, so she'll continue to entertain me. The dog, that is. The only thing I reward my mom with is my dirty laundry, ridiculous rate of food consumption, and unrelenting disappointments like dropping out of school every semester and living at home well into my 20s.
I have a big nose that I try to keep tidy with my Panasonic nosehair trimmer. Sometimes things will get caught in the hair: dust, food, small animals, etc. I once blew a snot rocket and freed a ground squirrel.
I was in the ARMY shortly after 9.11 to become a military intelligence analyst (because I'm really, really smart), but unfortunately they kicked me out when they found out I lied about everything. In the several months I was there, I learned to fire many-an-assault weapon. Oh, and I’m officially an “expert” at throwing hand grenades. So you can add that shit to my skills.
My love for animals is exceeded only by my love for shooting animals. I once beat a rabbit to death with a stick. Does that make me a bad person? I used to think so until I found out my friend Bobby beat a cat to death.
I think most Frito Lay chips are disgusting, but specifically Doritos. Possible exceptions: Baked Lays and Sun Chips. I try not to eat fast food, but Del Taco is like uncut heroin to me.
I hate the way the little wheel on my chapstick turns in my pocket so when I try to discretely apply it in public, I pop the cap off and the squishy part is all over the place. Then you spin the wheel the other way but it won't reverse so you have to push it back down with your mouth, which puts way too much on and you're stuck having to move your lips around to get an even coating.
I put my own AOL screen name on my buddy list so that every time I sign on, I have a friend. And it feels good. I'm under the group name "Supermodels."
I've been told many times that I'm not living up to my potential. At first I felt pressured to achieve more, but I realize now that if I can just lower my potential (aka drink myself stupid) I can escape this burden of guilt and failure.
I'm a clean freak, and as such I shower several times a day. I shower after I wake up, before I go to work, after I come home from work, after the gym, after I crap, and after I beat my puppy, because that stinker leaves a smelly residue on my knuckles (and sometimes my elbows and feet, depending on how violent the beating was).
My style of humor is sarcasm. I love being offensive and I love attention. If I write something outrageous and you're offended by it... fuck off and stop bothering me.
Oh... and one more thing. If you're some kind of wannabe sword fighter, don't come at me unprepared. I will bear down on your boot knife with my battle-axe.

My Interests

Alcohol, working out, NES (Battletoads!), swimming, illegal fireworks, Texas Hold'em, disc golf, pool, Family Guy, nonviolent crime. Did you know you can rearrange the letters of INTERESTS to spell STREET SIN? Or that the world's smallest mammal is the pigmy shrew? One of the greatest moments of my life was using a high-tech toilet that cleaned your ass for you with a water jet. It had an option (designed for women) that sprayed "the front" which I reluctantly tried, and a moment later I was flying high on a fluffy cloud of pleasure as that stream of water gently massaged my nuts. Mmmm... I also like Photoshop.

I'd like to meet:

Okay... I'll take this seriously for now and try to think of what characteristics I prefer in a female.

Soul: probably the most important. If I can FEEL some kind of connection or attraction to you... that has the power to override everything else.

Personality: Generally, I like sweet girls who are innocent but naughty, well-mannered but kinky--It's hard to explain. I want someone who can hold her own in a conversation with my mom about God, and then later help me shoot up heroin and rob liquor stores. I like my girls sarcastic, funny, and slightly racist.

Intelligence: I'm torn on this one. My best friend and my brother are both geniuses, and our sense of humor gets pretty abstract sometimes. If you can't hang with our jokes, I'll be embarrassed to bring you around them.

On the other hand, if you are SMARTER than me (this hasn't been a problem), I will probably resent you for being able to predict my punch lines, and subtly attempt to demoralize you by drawing attention to my superior traits. For example:

"Yeah babe, you totally saw where I was going with that joke. I probably could've imagined something more original, if I hadn't been thinking about how I can do 15 pull ups."

I guess I prefer girls who are above average, but don't make me do pull ups.

Appearance: In general, I tend to go for dark, straight hair. I don't know why. I don't even think about it really... but in the past, my girlfriends have had dark hair. In fact, I've never dated a blonde.

I like short girls, because it seems like my penis could probably hit areas in them I don't even know about. Plus, I could throw them around more easily. In a good way. ;) You know... like in the bedroom... possibly when you're running your mouth, and I toss your ass out the window?

I try to stay healthy, so if you're some flabbodied monster feeding off Burger King and Cool Whip, I'll probably projectile vomit in your face in a way that resembles a pressure washer at 2000 psi. Unless you're bulimic... then it's okay.

I want to meet a girl who can look in the mirror and instead of asking me if their ass looks fat, they just flat out say, "That's a HUGE bitch!"

Let's see... what else? My favorite body part is the stomach, so if you're packin' A cups, as long as you've got a flat stomach, we're cool. I worded that horribly, but I'm not changing it. Not for a beer-bellied broad like YOU anyway.

Bonus points awarded for the following:

    Your Interests section DOESN'T read like this: "I like hanging out with my friends, shopping, going to the beach, blah blah blah..." That is so horribly pathetic, I don't even want to KNOW you.You use proper grammar, or at least attempt to.You use the correct forms of YOUR, YOU'RE, THEIR, THERE, THEY'RE, and TOO.You've slept with very few people and carry no STDs.You live a healthy lifestyle.You're open-minded.You were born in the 90's.When I beat you up, instead of calling the cops, you admit you were wrong and tell your friends you ran into several walls.You didn't take that last point seriously.You're still reading this.You are completely shaved (or is it "shaven"?).You will help me shave my ass.You make lots of money and think it's sexy when a guy lives at your place and plays video games all day and doesn't do ANYTHING to help around the house.

Music:

The majority of the music I listen to is rock, metal, alternative, indie, punk, and *cough* emo. I don't define myself by my choice of music. I don't know the names of CDs or songs and sometimes I won't even know who I'm listening to even though I bought the CD. I like fast music that makes me feel alive and energetic. I usually like music with a strong melody. I've noticed lately that I really like the sound of rock music with a strong piano presence. I've enjoyed songs from all genres. I never listen to the words of songs, and what the artist stands for has no effect on whether or not I like the music. I believe music is art; it is an expression of feelings. I judge songs based on how they make me feel. When artists become influenced by politics and business, their music becomes cold and pointless.

Do you "like everything except country"? Read my blog .

    40 Below Summer Anberlin Atreyu Avenged Sevenfold Bayside Cartel Chiodos Coheed and Cambria Elton John Fallout Boy FM Static Forgive Durden The Format From Autumn to Ashes Funeral for a Friend Hanson Head Automatica Jack's Mannequin The Killing Moon Killswitch Engage The Legion of Doom Lost Prophets The Matches Motion City Soundtrack Panic at the Disco Paramore Plain White T's Queen The Rocket Summer Say Anything Senses Fail Silverstein Static X Subseven Tenacious D Zebrahead

Movies:

    Super Troopers History of Violence Shawshank Redemption Happy Gilmore Billy Madison Disney's Cinderella Old School Starsky and Hutch Fight Club American Beauty Closer Boiler Room Blow Traffic Spun Sin City Star Wars Entrapment Ocean's 11 and 12 Swordfish Zoolander Wedding Crashers

Television:

    Family Guy Simpsons Lost Prison Break Malcom in the Middle South Park

My Blog

Another Immortal Bulletin

Here you go... enjoy my angry, sarcastic bullshit.1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?A telemarketer.2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?:Then what would I live out...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Sun, 15 Oct 2006 06:52:00 PST

New Job

I just started working at a computer company here in Simi.  I optimize clients' websites so the sites rank well in Google and Yahoo search engines.  Basically, when you are looking for some...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Sun, 03 Sep 2006 09:23:00 PST

I spent last night drowning female orientals.

After browsing roach pictures for 2938754 years, I have finally found a match for the species of roach that I was kicking into the pool last night.  I present to you: the female Oriental Cockroac...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Thu, 01 Jun 2006 02:13:00 PST

Vomit Eyes

Saturday night I ate an insane amount of food and felt miserable, so I made myself throw up.  I threw up so violently that blood started surfacing around my eyes, from the intense pressure. ...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Mon, 24 Apr 2006 11:40:00 PST

Locked in a trunk?

  I was just fixing a light in my grandma's trunk, and I noticed this little lever.  This is a release, in case you get locked inside the trunk.  I think these are a mandatory safety f...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Mon, 10 Apr 2006 02:07:00 PST

Short Story

Oh shit, check out that fuckin rabbit right there! I put my arm out and halted Mancusso.  We glared at the jackrabbit.  It was huge.  It crouched, motionless, and stared through us with...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Tue, 04 Apr 2006 04:55:00 PST

Sweet Hairdo!

I woke up today with possibly the sweetest hairdo I've ever seen.          So I did the only thing I could think of...    ...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Thu, 23 Mar 2006 01:22:00 PST

Pillow Talk Hall of Fame

This is perhaps the most romantic postcoital dialogue in the history of mankind.  For all my disciples out there... take notes; it's suave interactions like this that have expedited my conquest o...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Wed, 22 Mar 2006 11:48:00 PST

Weird Dreams

I always have really weird dreams.  I used to call them nightmares, but they're so frequent now, the shock has worn off. Last night I dreamt I was in some kind of Walmart store and there were mo...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Fri, 17 Mar 2006 11:19:00 PST

I love Country and Mmmbop!

I was eating breakfast this morning at a restaurant with a beautiful woman, when the old Hanson hit "Mmmbop" came on.  First and foremost-- that song is fucking awesome.  If you think otherw...
Posted by Darren Van Buren on Mon, 13 Mar 2006 09:07:00 PST