I Don't Like Nobody That Don't Like Me

About Me

Curmudgeon since birth. My goal in life is to teach a monkey to play the bagpipes. I've never seen Dancing with the Stars, a complete American Idol, Titanic, or an episode of Three's Company. I like European Vacation but not Vacation and Eurotrip but not Road Trip. I've never owned a cell phone and I hope I never will. I think people who don't know about or listen to The Faces are really missing out. I like the idea of Texas even though I've never been there. I think the key is figuring out what you can get away with. I believe Don Cherry should be NHL commissioner. I think dawn is an appropriate bedtime. I discovered rhubarb late in life and feel fortunate that I did at all. I find Paul Newman's politics contemptible, but I like his acting and what I've gleaned about him personally, plus his cookies and spaghetti sauce. I tear the nutritional information off every food package; I'll eat whatever I want without the government making me feel bad about it. I hate people who live in Buffalo and complain that it sucks; either enjoy it and make what you don't like better or leave. I also hate people who moan about being bored; if you can't find something to do, read, watch, look up online, or listen to, then you're a boring person, so stop whining. I can't be the only one who thinks Tom Hanks is a sucky actor or that Steven Spielberg eats it as a director. I think "hippie scum" is redundant. I think Two and a Half Men is a crime against mankind. I stand opposed to the instigator rule, no-touch icing, a college football playoff, the designated hitter, pinko salary caps and revenue sharing, and in the grasp quarterback sacks. I like how people who claim to use reason and logic are usually unreasonable and illogical, not to mention that they're always douchebags. I think sauerkraut is gross, and if you like it, you're weird. I stop and stare every time an airplane passes overhead; I can't be the only person who is totally amazed that man invented a way to emancipate himself from the ground. I think the Misfits aren't the Misfits without Glenn Danzig. I find nothing more pathetic than drivers fighting for parking spots: walking that extra 30 feet isn't typically fatal, people. I think coffee's purpose is not to wake you up in the morning but rather to keep you up all night. I am unable to throw out magazines or Altoids tins. I think oven mitts are way better than pot holders. Frank's Red Hot is way better than Tabasco. I find it sad that some people watch the American version of The Office without ever having seen the original. I could eat a whole pizza in one sitting on a dare. I prefer Joe Strummer to Mick Jones, Johnny to Joey, Keith to Mick, Ace and Peter to Paul and Gene, and Pete to Roger, of course. Keith Moon was precisely one million times better on the drums than John Bonham. I'm buying a Mini Cooper someday and it will be awesome. I'm always excited to find money in the street. I like sitting in parked cars with the moonroof open and the glass closed while it's raining. I think barbeque should always be spelled with a Q. That is all.

My Interests

Um, the categories below, plus sports (Sabres, Bills, and everything SU), beer and whatever else I come across in Grampa's medicine cabinet, photographing interesting and/or odd things, cooking, exercising just enough, Japanese game shows, the darkness, and general underachievement and nothingness. Also monkeys and ninjas, and especially monkey ninjas

I'd like to meet:

People who order steaks black and blue and who know martinis are made with gin, not vodka. People who know Killer Carlson's jersey number and what kind of car Kenny Blankenship drives. People who know which one's Bob and which one's Doug. People who know what instrument J.P. Losman plays. People who neither know nor care what their "carbon footprint" is. People who play 44 every time they play the lottery. People who are damn proud of America. People who own anything with a Union Jack or St. George's Cross on it. People who think Eric Cartman is the best character ever. People who love SU but hate the guts of doctors Nancy Cantor and Daryl Gross. People who got into journalism because of Dave Barry or P.J. O'Rourke. People who think the two useful functions of government are A) arresting, prosecuting, and/or killing bad guys and B) paving the roads and running the sewers. People who are most comfortable in bars or pubs. People who think both Jackass movies should have won Oscars. People who like slices of fried gold. People who laugh every time Benny Hill slaps Jackie Wright on the head. People who would rather listen to Rick and Harry on the radio out of sync than the national tv announcers live. People who know monkeys are the best kind of animals. People who think raising taxes is a commie crime against mankind. People who cheer for their alma mater and the service academies. People who listen to SMiLE straight through. People who would never dream of asking me to join an adult rec league slow-pitch softball team. People who wear t-shirts featuring the Ramones crest, Stones tongue, or The Who arrow logo. People who know beer's four ingredients. People who can take a freaking joke. People who mind their own damn business. Vincent Gallo.

Music:

Ramones, Rolling Stones, The Who, KISS, Thin Lizzy, ZZ Top, B.B. King, AC/DC, Tragically Hip, Louis Jordan, Velvet Underground, Pogues, John Coltrane, Desmond Dekker, Skatalites, Specials, Hepcat, Prince Buster, Madness, Walter Wanderley, Wade Curtiss, Bob & Gene, Marshall Tucker Band, Allman Brothers Band, Beach Boys, Hives, Los Straitjackets, Ted Nugent, Faces, The Clash, Robert Johnson, Sam and Dave, Curtis Mayfield, Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, Cheap Trick, Andrew W.K., Elvis, pre-lame Rod Stewart and Stevie Wonder, Misfits, Charlie Daniels, Albert King, Hank Williams and son, Buzzcocks, Motorhead, Rush, Dickies, The Business, ABBA being the Dancing Queen I am, Bollywood spectaculars, Antony Carmichael, Ronan Tynan, Otis Redding, Buddy Holly, Dick Dale, Ventures, Van Morrison, James Brown, Junior Brown, Joe Meek, Brian Wilson, Queen, The Tortillas You Wanted, Vincent Gallo, The Sonics, Los Saicos, Os Mutantes, Blind Faith, Traffic, Shuggie Otis, Van Halen, it would have been easier to just write "everything from ABBA to ZZ Top" but that would have been vague and cutesy

Movies:

Slap Shot, Strange Brew, Buffalo 66, Rock N' Roll High School, both Jackasses, Evil Dead trilogy, Napoleon Dynamite, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Team America: World Police, BASEketball, Cannibal! The Musical, Office Space, Rushmore, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, Good Bye Lenin!, Tokyo Drifter, Last Night, Private Parts, Harry Potter even though I am 31, Sixth Sense and the others by M. Night Shyamalanadingdong, Muriel's Wedding, Crocodile Dundee, Arthur, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Ed Wood, Carnival of Souls, Swingers, Made, Fargo, Endless Summer, On Any Sunday, Freak Talks About Sex, End of the Century, The Buddy Holly Story, The Kids Are Alright, Run Lola Run, Galaxy Quest, Viva Knievel!, Quadrophenia, Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, Airplane!, Naked Gun, Super Troopers, Eurotrip, Idiocracy, Kung Fu Hustle, films where Jackie Chan beats up bad people

Television:

South Park, The Simpsons before it started sucking, American Chopper, King of the Hill, Beavis and Butt-Head, Jackass, Viva la Bam, Red Eye, Wonderfalls, any show where Gordon Ramsay yells at people, The Prisoner, The Avengers, The Office, Spaced, Look Around You, Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers, Hyperdrive, and most of everything else on BBC America, Absolutely Fabulous and Campus Ladies because I am a middle-aged housewife, Mythbusters even though those guys get annoying, Insomniac, Kids in the Hall, Three Stooges, shows featuring Nigella Lawson cooking, 30 Minute Meals, Extras, the original Degrassi, the first season of Reno 911!, Off Beat Cinema, Cowboy Bebop, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge

Books:

books are for smart people and I am dumb

Heroes:

anyone who shot down a metric road sign in the 70's