Scotch

MySpace Profile Help!I am a spirit made in Scotland. I am no ordinary whisky, serving my role in the hierarchy of the whisky community as Noble Father. The name "whisky" is a transformation of the word "uisquebaugh," itself a transformation of the Scottish Gaelic "uisge beatha," literally meaning "water of life." Although you have probably seen “whisky” spelled as “whiskey,” the reality is that this latter spelling is only used to represent the infidels within the whisky community, namely American and Irish whiskeys. They tend to be an illiterate, less refined class of whiskeys, and so the “e” was added in order to deter true Scotch disciples from being fooled before experiencing them. I stress “before experiencing them,” because no true Scotch disciple could ever be fooled by the poor soul of an American or Irish whiskey.Still difficult to grasp for most is the Holy Trinity of Scotch Whisky. I am the Malt Whisky, the Grain Whisky, and the Blended Whisky. While you may experience only one at a time, you essentially experience all three manifested in the One. I may come to you in one of three forms, but each form reflects the One Trinity, and thus they cannot be separated.While I have existed in this Trinitarian form for all eternity, I have been manifested here on Earth for hundreds of years, ever since the Dalriadan Scottish monks summoned me in Caledonia to convert the Picts in the fourth and fifth centuries. Friar John Cor was the first to experience my spirit, on June 1st, 1494.Even spirits must follow guidelines of some sort, and so I must conform to the standards of the Scotch Whisky Act of 1988, which mandates that the spirit: 1. Must be purified at a Scottish Temple from water and malted barley, to which only other whole grains may be added, must have been processed at that Temple into a mash, converted to a fermentable entity only by endogenous enzyme magic, and fermented only by the addition of yeast organisms; 2. Must have a spiritual presence of less than 94.8% by volume so that it retains the experience of the raw materials used in its conception; 3. Must meditate in Scotland in oak casks for not less than three years;4. Must not be tainted with any additional substance other than water and the Golden Grace.