Atomic Housewives

Bertha Lou Housewife: Bertha was born on a warm July afternoon to Chinese midgets named Sandy and Charles. Soon after her debut into the world, she was shipped off to India, and sold into slavery. Due to newly-enforced child labor laws, she was removed from the sweat shop, and placed in the loving care of two Filipino transvestite prostitutes. This is, until Indian officials learned she was a slave. Since there were no laws banning slavery, Bertha Lou was once again sent to work in a sweat shop, where her little fingers could be put to good use stitching together blowup dolls for an adult video chain in the United States. Bertha remained at the factory for 12 more years, until one fateful afternoon, rogue pirates raided the factory in search of buried treasure, and Bertha saw a glimpse of freedom. She ventured into the world-- socially-retarded and afraid-- on a quest to explore new frontier. Determined to make something of herself, Bertha set out in hopes of making her fortune selling "Power of Ideas" programs door-to-door. When that failed, she took up a new and better career playing the lottery. A few days later, Bertha was broke, hungry, and living on the streets. She didn't think things could get any worse when she found herself in the clutches of the very pirates who raided her childhood sanctuary. The pirates enslaved Bertha Lou as the pirate band's singer and guitarist. The pirates called the band Atomic Housewives.****Billy (Lee) Ray Housewife: Lee Ray was born in a shantytown boarding house in September to a lively pair of bearded-women. His mothers smothered him in bearded-love, and in return, he too grew a beard of enormous proportions. Billy Ray was the poster child for the Ringling Brothers' Circus, until the mid-80s, when he-- against his mothers' wishes-- took a job as a trapeze choreographer with the Circque du Soleil. His bearded-mothers' deep-rooted hatred of the French led to pipe-bombings, which were well-publicized on the circus circuit. His mothers were arraigned and jailed on several counts of manslaughter, and destruction of property. Now in the black books of the circus industry, Lee Ray was forced to abandon his well-established career in the circus, and seek out a new lifestyle. With his circus training, the only feasible course was pirating. With a new found sense of purpose, Billy Ray set out to find an unruly crew and a decent ship to commandeer. One day, while robbing a convenience store, Lee Ray had a chance encounter with a mongoloid named Jethro. Deeply touched by Jethro's winning attitude, Lee Ray decided to start a pirate band called Atomic Housewives, in which he could pursue a career in drumming.****Cletus Housewife is the inbred, white trash husband and brother of Bertha Lou Housewife, and bassist for Atomic Housewives. He was forced to wed Bertha Lou at gunpoint by their father/uncle. He is a well-known politician in his hometown, citing Toby Keith as his hero and savior. He ran for mayor under the platform "We done gunna change America one trailer at a time [sic]." He also strongly advocates the use of birth control, "A coathanger fer e'ry red-blooded American that done got his sister knocked up!"