SPOONER

SEAN SPOONER IS WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT!!Sean was born in 1704 in the Outback and raised by a tribe of little blue people who were about three apples high. When he was about ten years old he noticed that he was different somehow from his fellow tribe members and headed out into the world to pursue his dream of becoming a famous NASCAR racer.When that fell through he started doing massive amounts of cocaine and slipped into deep depression. At the age of 12 Sean checked himself into rehab and started a new life for himself. He joined a school of bluefish in the Chesapeake Bay and lived underwater for about 212 years. Afterwards he joined a jazz band out of Toledo called "The Swinging Cat-Burgers" as the drummer. The band was a complete failure and Sean would once again ride the snake known as Cocaine. The other "Swinging Cat-Burgers" tried desperately to help him, but he only spat in their faces and kicked them fiercely in the shins.That was when Sean's life reached an all-time low. In 1931, Sean was arrested for digging a hole to Hell, which released numerous evil demons into public. He spent six long days in jail, wishing himself dead and crying himself to sleep every night. When he was released, he disappeared for many long years.In 1976, Sean was seen living in a cardboard box in Fredericksburg, Virginia. The person who spotted him was famous television star Tony Danza. Tony had read about Sean in his history books and wanted to help Sean get back on his feet. Tony took Sean under his wing and nursed him back to normalcy. Since Tony Danza was very busy with his aspiring acting career, he gave Sean to a family of psychotics who had just been released from the local institute. They raised him like one of their own, and every so often Tony would stop in to check on him.When Sean was 5, he found an old set of crayons and decided to give 'em a whirl. He had heard legends about an ancient race of people who had the amazing ability to draw, but didn't believe them. He scooted himself underneath his parents' very expensive coffee-table and started moving the crayon in a vague "drawing" fashion. That was when the magic happened. Suddenly, the underside of that coffee-table was covered in the most wonderfully hideous mass of color and shape, and thus, art was reborn.Since then Sean has been practicing and perfecting his skills, whilst others have also re-discovered the ancient art and tried to copy him. But everyone knows that one day, Sean will be the greatest artist to ever walk the Earth.... But if he isn't, he plans to on ordering a great big heap of cocaine.Sean also drinks a ridiculous amount of Coca-Cola and recommends that you do the same. A rare and beautiful creature, the North American, furry browed, reticulated, 8 toed, land Spooner, grows a long, hairy beard from the end of its muzzle to attract mates. Once this beard is displayed in full bloom, no female can resist its hairy and boyant charm. The specimen showed above has spent many years perfecting this beautiful and odd dance of seduction and intrigue and therefore should be avoided by any female not wanting of carnal bliss. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ *When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Sean Spooner. *Sean Spooner doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. *There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Sean Spooner has allowed to live. *Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Sean Spooner. *Sean Spooner does not sleep. He waits. *Sean Spooner is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists. *Sean Spooner is the reason why Waldo is hiding. *Sean Spooner counted to infinity - twice. *There is no chin behind Sean Spooner’s beard. There is only another fist. *When Sean Spooner does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. *Sean Spooner is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. *Sean Spooner’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. *There is no such thing as global warming. Sean Spooner was cold, so he turned the sun up. *Sean Spooner can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. *Sean Spooner doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. *Sean Spooner gave Mona Lisa that smile. *Sean Spooner can slam a revolving door. *Sean Spooner does not get frostbite. Sean Spooner bites frost *Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Spoonertatorship. *Sean Spooner once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Sean Spooner won by 5 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Our 7th caller receives the official Sean Chin Pelt, made from genuine Gerbil hyde! Our first 200 tickets holders receive free Sean, Tuna sandwich and chili dog special! This also comes with a 32 ounce Miller Genuine Gerbil draft in a genuine porcelain toilet – (Seat not included). Don't flush, but do rush! Limited Offer!!!!