Blog ArchiveThe Kim DiariesDO NOT FUCK WITH MEA letter from Jack BauerThe stuff I think about when I'm not saving the worldDuring my years of covert government service, I have gone through hell and back. Yes, I am proud to have served my country, helping to avoid many horrific tragedies. Rules are meant to be followed, but I have a history of insubordination. While the methods I employ may seem harsh, I always have one goal in mind: saving lives. In the process, I have had to make some tough decisions, often within seconds, in order to avert disaster.To my friends: I'm sorry for not telling you everything. It's not that I don't trust you, but we are operating on a strict need-to-know basis. But when I'm in a jam, I hope I can count on you. Whether it's illegally hacking passwords of suspected terrorist financiers or keeping your mouth shut about my smack habit, I really appreciate everything. And if you ever find yourself unavoidably chained to a weapon of mass destruction counting down to zero, you know I'm the first one there with an ax. You can even use my belt to stop the bleeding while I radio Division for help. Sorry I can't stick around to accompany you to the emergency room, but there's still work that needs to be done, so get me that chopper. And set up a perimeter right away.To the ladies: Yes, I'm a single father, widowed. You have to understand, my job takes a heavy toll, and it's hard to maintain a stable relationship. If you don't handle stress very well, my advice to you is this: don't date a field agent. We aren't always around, the hours for my job are highly erratic, and I'm often too tired or traumatized when I get home to make whoopee. Yes, my life seems glamorous and exciting. Yes, I exude a brooding sexiness with my skills in unarmed combat and hostage negotiation. However, if you are forced to spend one whole day and night with me, you may not like everything you see. But damn it, I get results.To my enemies: If I need information from you, seconds count. So apologies in advance if I have to break your thumbs or threaten to kill your family; I empathize with you. Believe me, I've been tortured plenty of times myself, and I know interrogation ain't no picnic. Please listen to me very carefully: I will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop this assassination/nuclear bomb/horrible karaoke.P.S. Feel free to add me to your friends list! Send me a detailed message first (preferably encrypted) with your full background information and a recent photo. I will reply within 24 hours with instructions as to how to proceed from there. Understand that if you deviate from my orders in any way, I will be forced to place you on the "Ignore/Block User" list. Are we clear?
I once played a game of Russian Roulette against myself, and won.
Ass-kicking always came very natural to me.
Short of blowing themselves up, I am the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. I shouldn't have said that.
Thats me on my cell phone. I use about 20,000 anytime minutes a month. CTU always picks up the bill.
If I wanted to I could walk into the restaurant you're eating at, make out with your wife, shit on the floor, and just laugh...because I'm Jack Bauer.
Terrorism makes David Palmer cry.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of heroin.
"Yeah Bill, this is Jack. He uh, he wants a fully watered camel on the roof in twenty minut...Damn it! Who is that laughing in the background?! I can hear you! This isn't funny!"
That's me at Xinjiang, a maximum security labor camp on the border of Siberia. I tried to escape by dressing up like a Chinaman. It didn't work.
"I'm not going to lie Sherry. I've had a little to drink."
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that we haven't been able to recover the nuclear warhead, and you're all probably going to die in the next 24 hours. The good news is... I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."
Keep up the good work Almeida.
"WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL?!"
I was driving to work and this guy cut me off on the interstate. I caught up to him about a mile down the road and blew his fucking head off.
David Palmer and Ex-President Logan.Here is the code for this banner. Support my campaign.
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