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Jack

I am here for Friends

About Me

MyGen Profile GeneratorI'm happy when I'm miserable. I enjoy nothing more than a good moan, and I laugh at things I shouldn't. I hate people who self harm... just whack some Savlon on it and get a grip. 'Ooh, I need to bleed. It makes me feel like I'm alive.' There are other things that make me feel alive. Breathing and walking around for a start.I love jumbles, car boot sales and charity shops. I never feel finer than when I'm stepping out in my beautiful, brand new but quite old, pretty skanky, piss-smelling, fantastic threads. I love to sing... the Lord has blessed me with quite a remarkable gift. My voice is absolutely gorgeous. I have made some burst into tears with a single note, others vomit, and a blast of Wind Beneath My Wings has even induced someone to have a stroke (fatal) and that, in my opinion, is one of the best compliments a civilian can ever pay a star such as myself. I think the reason I'm not famous is that there's no room for raw, untamed talent in today's market. I also think that the world is quite unprepared for someone of my calibre. Not only do I have the talent, but I'm also divine to look at, and my personality is a perfect combination of accessible, yet sharply intelligent wit, and a generosity that verges on philanthropy, even martyrdom.There are some concepts that completely elude me, despite my incredible, and to some, intimidating, intelligence. Do animals simply not understand language, or do they just have no way of communicating verbally? I can't gather how any living thing can think without words. Also, who the hell came up with Smash? Teabags, instant coffee... yes. But mashed potato? It's hardly something you'd ever need in a hurry. Has anyone ever been so desperate for mash that they can't wait until it's been made properly? It's ridiculous. Anyway, to conclude, I am a beautiful person inside and out, and I have wisdom far beyond my years.

My Interests

Mockery, spitting, racism, homophobia, sexism, theft, primordial dwarves, talking to strangers (they have good sweets), food, gossip, picnics, telly, badges, scarves, stickers and stinky bargains.

I'd like to meet:

Anyone who laughs in the face of matters tasteless or vulgar, for they shall inherit the earth.

Music:

My own beautiful voice, Abba, The Datsuns, Leslie McKeown, Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks, Duncan Faure, Suede, Do Me Bad Things, T-Rex, Mika, The Cardigans, Melanie Safka, Rosetta Stone, Beach Boys, Grace Slick, The Rubettes, Persephone's Bees, The Monkees, Goldfrapp, Marianne Faithfull, Arcade Fire, Jeremy Spencer, James Iha, Clor, Carpenters, Denis & Denis, The Libertines, Peter Bjorn & John, Lindsey Buckingham...Mclusky, Regina Spektor, The Make Me Sicks, Janis Joplin, Magic Numbers, The Coral, The Mamas & The Papas, Cass Elliot, The Strokes, Bobby Conn, Soft Cell, Grandaddy, Scissor Sisters, Engerica, Camper Van Beethoven, Hipslinky, The Killers, The Shirts, Bjork, Frank Popp Ensemble, The Blueskins, Ratatat, Blondie, The Horrors, Marc Almond, Tubeway Army, New Young Pony Club and the mighty Bay City Rollers.
Bad MusicI love the Kids from Fame, Girls Aloud, Brotherhood Of Man, Bucks Fizz, Spice Girls, Deuce, Backstreet Boys and Gilbert O'Sullivan. And I don't bloody care.

Movies:

Quadrophenia, Hair, Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Small Faces, Black Narcissus, Sister Act, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Grease, Mighty Ducks II, Sandlot Kids, Wayne's World 1 & 2, Four Weddings And A Funeral, Addams Family and Brady Bunch Movies. No-brainers really... I have terrible concentration and usually have to watch films in two or three sittings. Give me a good comedy series on DVD anytime... good half-hour bursts of entertainment. Either that or allow smoking in cinemas.

Television:

Cheaters all the way... Joey Greco is a God among men.Nighty Night, Big Train, Human Remains, The League of Gentlemen, Planet Earth, Gladiators, Chronicles of Narnia, Miss Marple, Neighbours, Who Do You Think You Are, Our New Life In Everwood, Kath & Kim, Adult Swim, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Monkey Dust, Catchphrase, Peep Show, Look Around You, Father Ted, Takeshi's Castle.
Bad Television I do not watch anything featuring this slut, who goes by the ridiculous name of Lorne Spicer. So smug and smarmy and has two voices like some schizo weasel. I do hope the BBC aren't paying her.

Books:

The Chronicles of Narnia, biographies, AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada's Krishna literature, Jurgen Moltmann's theology (which I've rediscovered having not really been bothered about it at uni), The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol and Timothy Leary's Jail Notes. I enjoy a good Point Horror and a bit of Old Testament too. Check out Deuteronomy 23:13... it's a good one.

Heroes:

The vicar's wife off Keeping Up Appearances. She must have such guts and determination to have blagged a telly job knowing that she is, without a shadow of a doubt, the shittest actress in the whole wide world. An example to us all.
MiscellaneousThis little fella is proper funny. I'd want to hug him if he wasn't such a gross shape.Gary Numan & Dramatis: Love Needs No Disguise (1981). I absolutely love this song, but what I love even more is that my lovely auntie Veronica, aged 16, is in the front row. You can see her quite clearly at about 2m 32s.Abba in German. This rocks in equal measures of the genuine and ironic senses...

My Blog

Oh, CFT...

Here are a few of my favourite mems from my time at CFT... it's been a good one. I'll probably keep adding to this as I miss it loads already. If anyone has any more, let me know, but this is what I h...
Posted by Jack on Thu, 01 Feb 2007 12:47:00 PST

St Margaret's: my spiritual home

So today I found myself a chaperone on a trip with years 2 to 4 from St Margaret's School, the very institution where education first graced my brain. Certainly, I was dreading it, with my inherent av...
Posted by Jack on Thu, 11 Jan 2007 04:09:00 PST

Poor work, ITV.

I got very excited yesterday when I read in the TV guide that at 9pm, ITV would be showing a tasty televisual treat by the name of Abba: Thank You For The Music. Reading the synopsis, I was struck by ...
Posted by Jack on Thu, 28 Dec 2006 05:42:00 PST

Thank the Lord for violent crime

I have just had the ride of my life. Read on... Today, I was miserable. I have no money, no fags and I'm shit at knitting. My life is one endless series of turmoil and torture. Actually, I lie. Veroni...
Posted by Jack on Sat, 11 Nov 2006 04:42:00 PST

Where everybody knows your name...

...but your gender isn't quite so apparent. What began as a mildly amusing, very slightly disturbing incident turned into something highly offensive, bloody hilarious, and above all, blog worthy. Here...
Posted by Jack on Sun, 24 Sep 2006 06:44:00 PST

An endless cycle of regret and woe...

... is my life. I've had the worst day EVER. First, I went to bed too late anyway and then had to get up at 8 to walk the dog. I take dog for a walk, dog knocks over a small child and dog falls down (...
Posted by Jack on Sat, 26 Aug 2006 02:07:00 PST

the rough road to graduation.

Right, my invitation to my graduation has arrived. Hiring my gown (Christ alive, that sounds so lame) is going to cost me £36. I don't even buy clothes for £36. The website has the option to borrow a ...
Posted by Jack on Mon, 11 Sep 2006 02:04:00 PST

What the Dickens? Ha.

The Nickleby dream is well and truly over. I didn't work the matinee (gutting in retrospect, but at the time I didn't give a shit) but bumped into Chris Logan in the Sco before the evening performance...
Posted by Jack on Sun, 03 Sep 2006 07:29:00 PST

Impending tragedy

So NickNick comes to an end on 2 September... I do hope I won't be crying alone. No more Smike... no more extreme saliva, crazy spastic tiptoe foot, or wonderfully uncanny impression of Uri Geller. In...
Posted by Jack on Tue, 22 Aug 2006 02:13:00 PST

Big Brother... I love it and I don't know why.

Hello. I feel like I've let myself down. I swore to myself that I would not watch Big Brother this year, and it's drawn me in. I absolutely love it, and I have no idea why. The people in there make me...
Posted by Jack on Sun, 09 Jul 2006 07:57:00 PST