Oliver the Humanzee profile picture

Oliver the Humanzee

I've been called a 100% freakshow chimp. Don't cry friends. I'm strong.

About Me

Some scientists have said that I'm a chimpanzee but I know that I'm really a Humanzee. I wouldn't be offended if you referred to me as a Chuman, or for those of you that are slightly more daring, a Manpanzee.I have a flatter face than some of the chimpanzees I've known, partly because my teeth were removed. I would never bite anybody! I also have much less hair on my face than other Great Apes I've seen. Perhaps my most unique feature is that I walk upright, never knucklewalking like most Great Apes.If you ever heard that I prefer to sexually display to human females over chimpanzee females, don't believe it. That's an urban legend and a legacy from when I was on The Ed Sullivan Show. I was a performer but I refused to be "clownish" like many of the chimps I've encountered. This might be the reason they didn't hang out with me, or it might have been because my odor is atypical for chimpanzees, as some have suggested. However, my odor is very typical for Humanzees, being that I'm the only one I've ever known.The anthropologist David J. Daegling did some DNA tests on me to be certain that I was a so-called missing link. I prefer not to share the results with anybody since the blood sample was taken against my will.I was adopted as a baby in the early 1970s by trainers Frank and Janet Burger, although they like to say that I was "acquired".My next "owner" was New York Lawyer Michael Miller who took me on a Japanese tour where I was humiliated on national TV. My tour "accidentally" coincided with the Japanese tour of the music group The Monkees. I never cared for them. Imagine the outrage if scientists took THEIR blood as THEY slept.Over the next few years I spent time at a theme park called Enchanted Village in Buena Park,CA, and the Wild Animal Training Center at Riverside, California. From there I got a new "owner", Bill Rivers who said I had "problems" with the "other chimps." He sold me to the Buckshire Corporation, a Pennsylvanian laboratory leasing out animals for scientific and cosmetic testing.Luckily I wasn't used in experimentation, but my cage was only 5X7. Due to lack of proper exercise for seven years, my muscles atrophied and my limbs began to trembled. In 1996 I was asked by Sharon Hursh, president of the Buckshire Corporation, to spend my retirement at Primarily Primates in San Antonio, TX. I happily accepted... but you guessed it- although blind and arthritic, I was stuck into another small enclosure. But this time a good buddy of mine smuggled in some dirt and planted some nice grass for me to relax on.I can no longer earn my own keep by performing simple chores. Taking care of your elders is a distinctly human characteristic, a characteristic I'm pleased to share with you, at least partially.

My Interests

Other humanzees (if there are any), bipedal locomotion, performing simple chores, primitive tools, evolution, prisoner's rights, environmental politics.

I'd like to meet:

Other Humanzees... and you.

Music:

Any tribal drumbeats will do, naturally I like the Ramones, and some of the Weird Al Yankovic I've heard is pretty good. His music is a hybrid of sorts.

Movies:

Sunset Blvd. (I cried during the funeral scene), 2001 (although it's downhill after the first half hour), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Freaks

Books:

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, The Bible (just for laughs), anything by Jane Goodall (it's all good)

Heroes:

Leonard Peltier

My Blog

Did you ever wish you were a bonobo?

Yeah, me too. I'm reading Our Inner Ape by Franz de Waal- a book I couldn't suggest more highly to people interested in similarities between the great apes and humans... and for those interested in hu...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Thu, 15 Nov 2007 03:26:00 PST

Kudos to my friends, the orangutans

Clever Apes Recreate an Aesop FableBy Charles Q. Choi, Special to LiveScienceOrangutans are bright enough to use water as a tool, a finding that researchers say is straight out of Aesop's Fables. Five...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Wed, 01 Aug 2007 08:36:00 PST

Apes? Monkeys? Humans? I call you brothers and sisters.

For those interested in genetics... enjoy! ............................................................ .......................................... DNA Study Maps Human-Chimp Split By MATT CRENSON AP Na...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Sun, 10 Dec 2006 05:43:00 PST

Not looking good for my friends the orangutans...

Sorry if you've already seen this in bulletin form. ------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------- Check out this yahoo news story if you wish. If you want to do so...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Wed, 08 Nov 2006 05:02:00 PST

Sad Day, but Some Good News...

By now you've certainly heard of the passing of the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. My heart goes out to his friends and family. Humanity (and humanzity) never knew such spirit and charisma. He will be...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Mon, 04 Sep 2006 08:09:00 PST

Hybrids A-OK in Kansas

Kansas House Rejects 'Hybrid' Cloning Ban Last Updated:03-25-06 at 11:59AM A proposed ban on human-animal hybrids died Friday when the House cut the heart out of a bill and ended debate early on the i...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Sun, 26 Mar 2006 10:30:00 PST

If you don't believe in intelligent design, then...

How about malignant design? Check out this column by Noam Chomsky: http://www.countercurrents.org/chomsky151105.htm And please, no Noam Chimpsky jokes......
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Thu, 23 Feb 2006 07:25:00 PST

That's human civilization for you...

Stalin's half-ape supertroops By Nick Buchan21-12-2005 From: NEWS.com.au   Stalin's dream ... Planet of the Apes / 20th Century Fox A SECRET plan to create hordes of half-man half-ape ...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Wed, 22 Feb 2006 11:51:00 PST

Some full-humans are half-literate.

Look what someone wrote on an internet forum, apparently about me. "Sum korean guys done sum research and made a man have sex with a chimp and they produced a humanzee , thou it couldent speak hu...
Posted by Oliver the Humanzee on Sun, 18 Dec 2005 08:51:00 PST