JESSIMAE profile picture

JESSIMAE

"I'm too pretty for comedy?..FUCK OFF"

About Me

i own a chihuahua. i bench press 45 pounds. I am a stand-up comedian in NYC. Been into comedy since 1982 and performing since 2001. I WORK as a bartender but truely define myself by disclosing my thoughts OUT LOUD to the world in a funny manor. I am considered by my friends as "weird", "spontaneous", "outspoken", "loud", "fun to watch", "fun to laugh at", "fun", "great dancer", "really bad cook", "ok with old people", "sincere" and my mom's favorite "obnoxious". I like to hear peoples stories, unless they arent good story tellers or their stories suck altogether. i especially love to hear stories if they end with..."and thats how i lost my pants at church". i am fascinated with astrology and how they get peanut butter soo smooth. I LOVE LOVE LOVE nature. its been a dream to own two horses, 5 dogs, a monkey and T-rex. I love to cuddle and eat fruit, at the same time. I like to speak philosophically once in a while. i suck at speelling. i love to dance, and am told i do it well. i love to clean and am told i do it well and too often. i can speak spanish and i am fluent in poor english. i'm learning to speak greek and learning to date one at the same time. i love carbs, shoes and swiffering my floors nude while singing along to traditional greek music. i love a good hug. i love john stamos. i am all about making people have fun. the thing that comes most natural to me in life is to make others laugh....its a universal language. i am a people person, as well as a pickle person...everyone loves a dill from time to time...i like when people dont ask me to tell them a joke or try to be funny for me, i also like when people make me genuinely laugh out loud....if you ask me to tell you a joke i will slap your mouth. just come to one of my shows already.

My Interests

photography, strawberry shortcake, horseback riding, shampooing my chihuahua, painting, writing lyrics, rock and bowl, comedy, going out and socailizing, green tea, reading, organizing, not liking small children, people watching, throwing things at oncoming traffic and running, yoga, catching up on politics, eating cheese, star gazing, looking at small children and wondering whats so great about them, eating peanut butter, going to the movies sans another person, taking pictures without people knowing it, trying to not step on the cracks in the sidewalks in the city, trying to not step on the crackheads on the sidewalks in the city, trying to stop selling crack, i am just going to stop there..

I'd like to meet:

robin williams, jim carrey, richard pryor, george burns, sam kinison, a good president, robert downy jr. (so i can keep him sober), joachim phoenix (so we can get drunk together), the person responsible for the vibrator situation, my future husband, my future divorce lawyer, someone without a french bulldog, someone with a mind, someone who is interested in more than themselves, santa claus, anyone who can make me think or shit myself with laughter. I'd also like to meet my maker...the lord and savior Jesus FUCKING Christ...as my mom calls him.

Music:

the shins, block party, sade, tom jones..yes... THE TOM JONES thievery corporation, fiona apple, ani difranco, imogen heap, frou frou, coltrane, miles, erykah badu, lauren hill, res, zero7, aretha franklin, ray charles, bob marley, marvin gaye, toby lightman, martin sexton, bowie, yea yea yeas, talking heads, m.i.a., FRANK SINATRA, billie holidae, etta james, when i am depressed or want to be depressed, mazzy star, portishead, sinead o conner, whitney housten circa 92 (before she thought crack was "whack"), mariah carey circa 91(when she wasnt trying to be blacker than she really was)

Movies:

willy wonka, haunted honeymoon, young frankenstien, silver streak, hear no evil/see no evil, stir crazy, the toy, brewster's million, dark crystal, labrynth, never ending story, princess bride, legend,anything by mel brooks, anything by george a. romero, closer, elephant, lord of the rings, love actually....

Television:

dont watch much but anyone who knows me, knows i am a FIRM supporter of the Full House Re-Runs!! always wished Uncle Jesse (john stamos) was MY uncle...but in a naked way, LOVE greys anatomy, extreme home makeover(makes me cry every week and feel better about myself all at once) americas funniest home videos and its sister show animals funniest home videos....grade A television folks...

Books:

idiots guide to chihuahuas, siddhartha/hesse, thou art that & myths to live by:joseph campbell*, running with scizzors, danse macabre, mystic river, good earth, angels&demons, 1st year spanish, memoirs of a white girl from syracuse now living in BedStuy trying to be a comedian in NYC...a MUST read! Pelusoitzer prize winner!

Heroes:

jesus h. christ & the people who believe in him

My Blog

Check out this video: The Flatulating Bunny

Check out this video: The Flatulating Bunny ..Add to My Profile | More Videos...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Mon, 05 May 2008 06:14:00 PST

PENIS POWER~~~WORKING THE MIDDLE

Check out this video: Vagina Power with Alexyss Tylor Add to My Profile | More Videos...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Tue, 24 Jul 2007 03:37:00 PST

PUSSY POLICE~~~~SALUTE THE VAGINA

Check out this video: Vagina Power with Alexyss Tylor, Halloween edition Add to My Profile | More Videos...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Tue, 24 Jul 2007 03:35:00 PST

Check out this video: Dirty Senile Old Man

Dirty Senile Old Man Add to My Profile | More Videos...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Sat, 05 May 2007 08:07:00 PST

not normal, unacceptable

I JUST WOKE THE FUCK UP!!! I look/feel like Cher would have felt after she drank a bottle of black haus and ate bad enchilladas then got gang-banged by a pack of wild silver back gorillas. I have on...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Sat, 10 Mar 2007 10:13:00 PST

LA PRODUCERS

So i met with an LA producer last night. He is a "friend of a friend" type deal. We had been meaning to sit down for a month but both of us were too busy. So we finally got to chat last night. I sh...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Wed, 06 Dec 2006 12:53:00 PST

popularity via myspace...

i would like to thank the people of myspace for making my selfesteem SKYROCKET!!! i didnt have a purpose until i realized my views to myspage page are nearing 1,000!!! now i can sleep at night knowing...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Fri, 24 Feb 2006 07:42:00 PST

homeless milk

so the other day I was walking through the canal street station and I passed a homeless man who was laying on the floor...i looked at him out of the corner of my eye at the same time he was throwing a...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Sun, 22 Jan 2006 04:41:00 PST

funny business

contrary to popular belief...comedians and/or clowns aren't always funny...we "goofy" people need time to cultivate our funniness...we don't always want to be on stage....think of it like this...if a ...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Tue, 17 Jan 2006 08:25:00 PST

fallen world

peopl passing ... through a life torn. a motherless child is born. a loverless father mourns. on and on we move, into the unknown. we hold onto faith, by the seam of our jeans, and its seems, we let g...
Posted by JESSIMAE on Tue, 06 Dec 2005 11:38:00 PST