The Ian

Well, I am just like every other normal guy with 4 testicles and a tiny penis. I'm from Detroit, lived in New Zealand for a couple of years, and now reside in Melbourne, Australia.
I'm on a mission to be the funniest person over 6'0.
I can dance like a black man on fire, I can sing like a Filipino prostitute, and I have better hair than Uncle Jessie (yes, Full House)...I'm also a very hard core ghetto thug, and I use words like "Skeet", "Crunk", "Stunt", and "Blades" in everyday language without trying....I also call girls bitches, but never to their faces.
I'm obnoxious and asinine, I can fuck for hours, but can only pay attention for seconds. I've never done cocaine, and I have been in love. I love chocolate and tacos, cheeseburgers and laughing at people I'm better than. If being sexy was a crime I'd be on death row, and I'm still afraid of my mother (her pimp slap is strong).
I'm an all around rad dude, but I still fall asleep wondering if I'll ever meet the girl of my dreams, and if I do, how big are her boobs?
FUCKING AWESOME BLOGS!
◊ God Hates Vacuum Cleaners ( read )
◊ Operation: Kill the Poor People ( read )
◊ I’m an April Fooz ( read )
◊ Feminists: I Support You Like the Bra You Never Had ( read )
◊ Australian-American-Australian ( read )
◊ My plea surrounding The Colbert Report & The Daily Show with Jon Stewart ( read )
◊ Love is Evol (Backwards) ( read )
◊ Wait Less Weight Loss ( read )
◊ Not Knocked Up ( read )
◊ A Moment Called Life ( read )
◊ Friday Night Goals & Resolutions ( read )
◊ Day 1 in New Zealand ( read )
◊ Ohio, I Never Meant to Hurt You ( read )
◊ Finally, A Bridge Even Bush Can't Burn ( read )
◊ I'm Gooder Than Superman ( read )
◊ Wondering about the New Seven Wonders of the World ( read )
◊ Juan-a-be Drug Lord ( read )
◊ 10 Ways to Ruin a First Date – Edited by Ian (Me) ( read )
◊ Movie Review: Transformers ( read )
◊ Fashion Designers are Retarded ( read )
◊ My Radical Pick-up Line ( read )
◊ The Love Formula © ( read )
◊ Commercial Sounding Board ( read )
◊ A 'Special' Award ( read )
◊ Stereotypical Nonsense ( read )
◊ My First Bike (A Video Blog) ( read )
◊ God Loves a Sinner, But the Asshole Hates Me ( read )
◊ Discoved: China's Great Wall; Not So Great ( read )
◊ I Enjoy Shoes That Fit ( read )
◊ A Guys Poem of Love ( read )
◊ Come Party With Me Tonight ( read )
◊ Adam-Bombing America ( read )
◊ A Vasectomy Story or Moi Noight ahn'da Peace ( Bush ( read )
◊ Mexican Bowling ( read )
◊ Modern Mans 4 Basic Food Groups ( read )
◊ Wives Beyond My Tears ( read )
◊ Activists 8 My Balls ( read )
◊ The Cloneian ( read )
◊ Ian Houston ( read )
◊ Uses for Children (finally) ( read )
◊ I Look Like...Who? ( read )
◊ Fishing & Seasick ( read )
◊ Tender Testicles ( read )
◊ Hot Girl / Ugly Friend ( read )
◊ I've Been Caught ( read )
◊ Lunar-tick ( read )
◊ Knockers & Toddlers ( read )
◊ Running Joke ( read )
◊ I Hate Guys ( read )
◊ Fat is Phat ( read )
◊ Ian's Memoirs 1994 1996: The McDonalds Years ( read )
◊ I Labor for Labor ( read )
◊ My Girlfriend: The Terrorist ( read )
◊ My Page Was Hacked! By: Stupid ( read )
◊ How to Lose a War and Remain Arrogant ( read )
◊ The Shit ( read )
◊ People I Would Not Fuck With ( read )
◊ Strippers Don't Dance, They Just Sit on Their Asses ( read )
◊ Idiot Moments ( read )
◊ Porn That Blows ( read )
◊ I Hate Feet ( read )
◊ Russian to Leave: X ( read )
◊ Russian to Leave: IX ( read )
◊ GOD DAMN ZEBRAS! ( read )
◊ Shitty Drivers ( read )
◊ Physics & My Boner ( read )
◊ The Tongue Don't Lie ( read )
◊ Tila, My Dumb Whore ( read )
◊ Survival of the Hottest ( read )
◊ A REAL UFO Picture! ( read )
◊ Your Grandma Whooped My "Fuckin Pussy" Ass ( read )
◊ I Didn't Love and Lose, I Just Lost ( read )
◊ Love Anthem for Supa-Fucking ( read )
◊ Sorry, Youre Not Me ( read )
◊ F.N.A.Q.'s ( read )
◊ I Love to Pee ( read )
◊ Trendy Shit Thats Stupid: Poker ( read )
◊ Russian to Leave: VIII ( read )
◊ Sports Fantasy Leagues, Kevin, and Dick (Ohno!) ( read )
◊ Tila Tequila Gave Me a Reason To Die ( read )
◊ Russian to Leave: VII ( read )
◊ Russian to Leave - VI ( read )
◊ My Mom is Hilarious ( read )
◊ I Suck at Love ( read )
◊ Sheep vs. Penguins ( read )
◊ Random Bla Bla Blas ( read )
◊ Trendy Shit Thats Stupid: Wannabe Nerds ( read )
◊ I Fucked Tila Tequila ( read )
◊ Father & Son? ( read )
◊ Mirror Image of Perfection ( read )
◊ Who Fucks Deformed Midgets? ( read )
◊ It Just isn't Buttsex Without U ( read )
◊ Exceptions to the Rule ( read )
◊ Why I'd Never Fuck My Sister Again ( read )
◊ Poop Tube ( read )
◊ Inner Beauty Just Means You're Ugly ( read )
◊ Your Post Got Owned ( read )
◊ Thank You Pablo ( read )
◊ Dream Girl ( read )
◊ Inventions That Suck ( read )
◊ Monkey Butts ( read )
◊ Pablo's Lesson ( read )
◊ Jesus: Savior of Man, or Hippy Extraordinaire? ( read )
◊ I Love Black Men ( read )
◊ Drinking Stories: As Bad As It Gets ( read )
◊ Times I Should Have Gotten My Ass Kicked ( read )
◊ Break-Up Template ( read )
◊ T-Shirt Slogans & Sayings (Part I) ( read )
◊ T-Shirt Slogans & Sayings (Part II) ( read )
◊ Trendy Shit thats Stupid ( read )
◊ Trendy Shit thats Stupid: Goths ( read )
◊ Born Again Virgin - Part I: The Seed is Strong ( read/a