FLAPPY THE BAT

Well, I'm a professional artist from New York City. I recently finished a run drawing Superman (starring in the Action Comics title with John Byrne) and some issues of Green Lantern Corps for DC Comics and continue working on various titles for Marvel Comics. I've been a professional illustrator now for over 16 years and my work ranges from full color photo-realistic magazine cover illustrations to spot cartoons for Revolver magazine. I've done work for various clients such as Wizard and Inquest magazines, Black Bull Comics, Valiant Comics, and Dark Horse Comics. I've painted tons of trading cards for Topps, Fleer, Wizards Of The Coast, and I've sold originals to such clients as Lucasfilm. Due to my extremely busy schedule I may very well be the ONLY artist in the world who still doesn't have a friggin' website, but I'm working on it. I should have one up soon but for now you can see a few pieces of mine in the "pics" section. I'm also a musician with 26 years experience. I'm usually in my rehearsal space once a week playing guitar, singing and writing new tunes. I also like shooting short comedy films (Fake commercials especially) and video editing. I also build custom guitars and amps for fun and other bizarre hobbies. I like hanging out at any Metal bar or Goth club when I get a chance and I'm always looking to meet new people to hang and laugh with. You can usually catch me at the bar downing Captain Morgan shots and chasing them with a few beers. I am about the MOST open-minded and easy-going person you will ever meet. As far as I'm concerned, the happiness you get out of life equals the happiness you put in. (In other words, I get A LOT of fucking happiness out of life, thanks to the great friends I surround myself with!!) I can't stand liars and/or bull-shit club drama. I am friendly and generous and there's almost nothing I won't do for my friends. I must admit that I have a strange fascination with Yoda the Jedi master (You can almost always catch him with me drinking at the bar), and I feel completely at ease at the sight of giant Marshall stacks (maybe that's why I have them all throughout my apartment. Although I also have an Egnater fetish). One last thing. If you don't at least know who Evil Heavy Metal God, "King Diamond" is, we have a lot of work to do!!!!------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------- Now, before you attempt to "friend me" on Myspace please read the following guidelines.------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------- 1. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SHITTY BAND!!! Chances are you guys SUCK. If you were any good you'd be on a great label and people would be friending you, rather than vice versa. Unless I've played with you in the past or you're someone I know from clubs or the local gig circuit, don't even bother. You will be denied. I understand that you're trying to build a following utilizing this new "ultra popular" technology. I also understand that crack-head bums who nag me for change are just trying to get some money so they can get high. I don't give a shit about them, so why should I give a shit about your no-talent, directionless, shitty, immature, Paris Hilton loving, garage band? ----- You are fags....period. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------- 2. 97% of the people listed as my friends are people I actually I know and have spent time with. The others are people with whom I have a whole lot in common and correspond with regularly. Myspace is not fucking high school. No one gives a flying fuck how many friends you have. Seriously. No one cares. Not at bit. I very much doubt that anyone sporting 6,000 friends knows any of them.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------- 3. In addition, having 6,000 sex-starved perverts masturbating to shots of you in fetish wear is no achievement. This does not make you a superstar of any kind. There are thousands like you. Anyone can do it. If I dressed my grandmother up in a vinyl body suit and stiletto heels she'd have 5,999 sex-starved perverts masturbating to HER nasty pics. No biggie. Although in America's ridiculously puritanical society, men can always use something to help empty out their prostate. To those who provide us with erotic visual stimuli, I sincerely thank you. Just don't let it go to your head. You are NOT special. You are NOT a superstar. You are just like everyone else: A dime a dozen.------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------------------------- 4. With the exception of a few girls I know, the term, "Fetish Model" loosely translates into: I'm not pretty and tall enough to be a real model. When you're represented by the Ford or Elite Modeling Agency, you can go around saying "I'm a model", okay? The gals who use the term "Professional Fetish Model" make me laugh even harder. The term "professional" is used with careless disregard here on Myspace. Remember this: Just because you got paid $75.00 four years ago to do some crappy cheesecake photoshoot for some low circulation biker magazine, doesn't make you a "Professional". Unless your modeling gigs account for 85 to 95% of your actual income, you are not a "professional model"!!! 'Till then, you're just a chick who has fun posing for pictorials. Period. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're having fun, more power to ya. ****NOTE**** Girls take care: When guys keep approaching you in Goth clubs telling you how beautiful you are and that you should model for them, remember that 99% of the time, they're just perverts trying to get you over their house so they can put the moves on you or take some shots that they can whack off to later, or even worse, tell their friends they banged you. If you chose to do this, show up with your boyfriend. If you don't have one, bring a big dude and tell the guy he's your brother. Be careful. Be safe.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------- 5. If the guy who want's to photograph you is John Santineross, go right ahead and do it. He's cool and takes awesome pics. You will be pleased.---------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------- 6. Do not create myspace accounts for your pets and try to friend me with them. You have too much free time. Stop smoking so much weed and get a goddamn job. If I had my way I'd have my friend JennyLynn stalk, kill, and skin your pet so I can wear it like a hat. I look very good in cat skin hats. I was in church the other day and the preacher stopped mid-sermon and pointed out to the whole congregation what an awesome cat-skin hat I was wearing. He also tried to suck my cock when I was nine so I'm not really sure what his motives were.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------ 7. Do not create an account for your shitty fuckin' toy store either. It's not going to make me shop there. You think I'm gonna drive 2 hours down to south Jersey when I've got Ebay delivering every known toy on the face of the earth via Fed Ex, to my front door? ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ---- 8. If you post over 5 bulletins a day. Check into a rehab clinic ASAP. You have a problem. You need help. Get out of your house and go for a freaking bike ride or something. Feed the ducks, rob a bank, kill a nun, whatever. Just get out of the house. Nobody needs a bulletin telling them that you went to McDonald's yesterday to buy a happy meal, but they were all out. No one cares. Do not post bulletins informing me that the new, "Best of Pat Benetar" CD came out today. Unless you are closely related to Pat, work for her record label, or dated her years ago, you should not be posting bulletins about her to ALL your Myspace friends. Hell, I like Pat Benetar's music a lot. BUT I DON'T NEED TO READ A MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLETIN ABOUT IT. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------- 9. To all you retarded girls who keep listing themselves as "BI" on Myspace, GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. Chances are, if being BI wasn't the "hip" thing & rather socially acceptable now, the thought of eating pussy would probably make you blow chunks. (If you are a hardcore lesbian who occasionally sucks cock, please disregard rule # 9, and thank you for helping us horny guys. We need all the pussy we can get. We salute you for going above and beyond the call of duty.)------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------- 10. To all you retards who list yourselves as swingers, GO KILL YOURSELF TWICE! You are NOT cool and/or sexy. You are creepy. REALLY C-R-E-E-P-Y. Swingers are pretty much like nudists. They are the LAST people on earth you want to see naked or getting it on. If by chance, you really ARE a swinger, (and not just one of the billions of Myspace posers trying to be something they're not) you probably don't have a lot of respect for your significant other. ***NOTE*** If you invite me to one of your shitty "swinging" events I'm gonna bring the biggest, fattest, nastiest, pimple ridden, slack jawed troglodyte I can find. The sight of this one-eyed, toothless, crabs-infested monster will make your dick shrivel up like a raisin. I will then demand that we switch partners. After all, "It's a swinger's party, right??" I will force you to go down on my "date's" maggot-ridden snatch that smells like the garbage outside of a Chinese food restaurant during the middle of a garbage strike in July on the Equator. I will spend the rest of the evening coating my cock with a healthy helping of rancid Cod Liver Oil, and repeatedly slapping "YOUR" date about the face and neck with it until the club closes. Then I will take her to an all night diner and continue slapping her with my foul greasy cock until the owner calls the police. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------- 11. The "Suicide Girls" are probably the biggest embarrassment on Myspace (If not the entire internet) and should really change their name to: "We Are Trying Everything We Can To Shame Our Parents Into Committing Suicide, Girls". Never in my life did I ever think it was humanly possible for me to be turned OFF to the idea of fucking a bunch of relatively good looking tattooed and pierced up young sluts. Then I saw their gay little club meeting on HBO's "Real Sex". That's right up there with the fucking nerds in the movie "Trekkies" (My favorite movie) talking about their retarded Star Trek club. ***note*** JUST FOR THE RECORD: Your, "Ooohhh, we're so wild and sexual you can't tame us", routine is fucking sad. You girls are shocking no one. NO ONE. Well, okay.......Maybe ONE Mormon housewife in Salt Lake City who still insists on fucking her husband missionary style with the light off after 50 years of marriage. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------12. I don't give a crap about your shitty stand up comedy career either. Unless we've met at a comedy club or bar somewhere, or appeared in one of my videos, don't attempt to friend me. Chances are, that you suck. I don't care if you did a guest spot on Letterman. I'll bet $50 that a maggot & bullet-ridden, decomposed transexual pulled out of the East River is funnier than you are. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------13. Why do people set their profiles to private? Myspace is a social forum meant to foster interaction and friendships! The entire purpose of ANY online community is to bring people together. You people suck moose cock! If any MYSPACE friend of mine sets their profile to private, I'm going to post tons of bulletins stating that I was over their house for a party and when I went to bathroom to look for a band-aid, I discovered a medicine cabinet packed to the gills with nothing but packages of VALTREX and PREPARATION H. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------14. In addition, why the fuck do you bother to take whoreish, slutty, trampy, pictures of yourself for your profile, and then set your profile to private? What's the fucking purpose? You obviously WANT to be seen. That's why you took the goddmamn whoreish pics in the first place! This a stupid elitist tactic by chicks who think they're, "2 cool 4 school". For your information, it just makes you look like an asshole. BTW, do know what it's like for a guy to have his pants down ready to whack off to your "Look at me, look at me!! I'm a whore who loves to fuck, and I just love it in the ass", photos and then find out that that your shitty, whoreish, profile is private and have to finish beating off to an episode of the Golden Girls? Not good. TRUST ME.--------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------15 . Sarcasm and joking statments are rarely recognized when left as a text comment, due to the fact that the reader cannot hear your internal intonation. This may lead to many silly and/or serious misunderstandings. (Sorry, Jaqui!! I DID NOT REPORT YOUR HANDCUFF PIC TO MYSPACE AUTHORITIES! I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!)- Goofing around can really ruin all of your networking efforts and sometimes keep you from getting laid. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ---------- 16. N-E-V-E-R SLEEP IN A SMALL TENT WITH SOMEONE WHO ATE A SHITLOAD OF WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS EARLIER THAT DAY. <-----This is not a MYSPACE rule but definitely one for the books. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------ 17. My comment section is not free billboard space for you to use at will. It's sole purpose is for everyone to see humilating photos of me molesting farm animals, power shitting, or lying unconscious, face down, in a large puddle of my own vomit (Ala' the last trip to the dude ranch). None of my friends want to hear about the shitty club you're promoting, or your lame-ass "DJing" gig. Chances are, if YOU'RE promoting or DJing there, it's "Gay Cowboy Night" with assless chaps included. None of the people perusing my comments section are going to go to that club based on the fact that you left a stupid ad there. In addition, PLEASE do NOT post ads for the new issue of your comicbook in my section either, unless I've worked on it. If you are a Sadistik International Diabolikal Super Kriminal, continue to do so, for I fear torturous reprisal.--------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------18. How the fuck am I going to approve your friend request when I, (AFTER SEEING YOUR REQUEST) go to check out your profile and it's set to private?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU SHIITING ME?!?!?!?!?! If I DO know you, how will I know it's actually you???? If I DON'T know you, how will I know you're actually cool and want to add you?!?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU HIGH?!?!?!?!?! ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------- 19. Don't attempt to "FRIEND ME" if you don't think G.G. Allin is hilarious. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------20. Please disregard rule 11. Tila Tequila is the biggest embarrassment on fucking Myspace. Where the fuck do people get off calling her the "queen" of Myspace?!?!?!?! Who gives a shit about that fucking retarded midget?!?!?! Hasn't anyone noticed she has a disproportionately large head? And since when does having a whorish Myspace account make you a star or celebrity of ANY kind?!?!?! Shit, at least in the 60's you needed s-o-m-e kind of talent to be on TV!!! What's so great about her?!?! She's no better/worse than any of the Taiwanese mail order brides I've fucked in the ass and then burned with lit cigarettes. God, you know it's bad when you make that, "Me so horny" hooker skank from Full Metal Jacket look like she has genuine class. Fucking pathetic. I'm sure her father is v-e-r-y proud. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------ 21. More rules to come as I get more and more annoyed with Myspace. Have a nice day.