Khan

Chapter One : InceptionMy name is Khan Noonien Singh. Allow me to introduce myself by enlightening you with the story of my notorious career. Please fasten your seatbelts and place your trays in the upright and locked position...I am a genetically engineered augment, part of a project created in the late 20th century to improve the human race. It was a success and I totally ruled...Asia and the Middle East that is. You see, us augments had a knack for being super-intelligent and way buff, so we took over the planet Earth. Well, since I owned a quarter of the Earth, and had aspirations of owning the Earth solely on my own, I pissed off a lot of other augments when I waged war against them. Unfortunately I never got the chance to finish my aquisition of the world cause normal human governments stepped in the way and waged a counterwar against me and the other augments. And they called me a tyrant? Now, that sucked cause they were like, executing us. Me and my colleages had to escape so we did what any genius superman would do -- fleed to area 51 and stole an experimental spacecraft called Botany Bay. We left Earth for the coldness of space. The frosty nip of space got even colder when we placed ourselves in suspended animation, where we remained for 300 years.Baby this is only the beginning...After a long nap I was awakened to the sight of a rugged looking man. I did what any superhuman would do during reanimation and took him hostage with my blade. You can never be too safe around a guy whos nickname is "Bones". I next learned of where and when I was...aboard a spacecraft known as the USS Enterprise, 23rd century. They had spotted my craft and was picked up far from Earth.Being such the party-pooper that I am, I began scheming for the first time in years! It felt so good to scheme again, like getting a relaxing back massage...so nice. I studied the ships technical manuals all the while cooing a young chippie named Marla. With my superior intellect she became my GF. Heh, I was born before her great x 10 grandma. I am a galactic Playa. With Marla's help I returned to the Botany Bay and revived my crew. Yesssssss...My next move was taking over the engineering section of the Enterprise while reminiscing with my old dethawed pals. Through some ownage I captured the ship's captain, James T. Kirk and placed him in the ship's compression chamber to get a little assistance from the crew. They complied and I owned them!Well here's when EVERYTHING went wrong. Have any idea why? If you guessed "A", because of a woman, you've won the grand prize. Marla decided to defy my badass-ness and rescued her captain. More bad news...Kirk flooded the ship with neural gas. Being a wiley Augment, I escaped to engineering. Kirk came in and tried to double-neck-chop me. I was a little sleepy from the neural gas so I only used Monkey Palm technique instead of Lion Claw. Kirk hit me in the head with a space hammer and I was in a crude version of suspended animation...unconcious.Needless to say they didn't find my attempt at killing them all that pleasing so Kirk straight up swindled me, Marla, and my rag-tag crew. We were exiled to a little planet called Ceti Alpha V.Don't touch that dial, there's more sweetcheeks...Things were okay for about 6 months, stuck on planet where the only population were ourselves. After a while, things went to hell. As may or may not know, a planet's orbit plays an important role in, well, everything about the planet. Next thing we know is, we're living on a sandy ass desolate wasteland where the only things to eat are these little wormies, that when placed in the ear, makes you want to shoot your superior officer with a phaser set to kill.Where was I? Oh yeah, my superior intellect. Well during my 15 years on this endless beach of a planet, I had a lot of time to think about what I would do if I ever escaped. One thing was for certain, James Tiberius Kirk was going to pay. I wouldn't kill him at first, that wouldn't be any fun, I would have to --- beat him. Not like with a dilithium crystal or anything but with my superior intellect. I practiced by playing checkers, reading Moby Dick and raising sand wormies in a little sand wormie farm I built.One day, my blonde-haired crew and I were out...doing something...walking around I guess, I forget. Whatever. Anyway, when we returned to our tiny pod hut (how did we all live in there?), we encountered a short Russian and a tall black man in federation space suits. I was surprised to see the black man standing there. I hadn't seen a black person since...the 20th century! The short Russian I recognized. It was Pavel Chekov, one of the crew of the Enterprise that sent me into exile! That meant if he was here, then Kirk couldn't be far!Chekov didn't recognize me at first. I was still wearing my spooky mask from walking aimlessly outside. At this point we felt it would be a good idea to detain the two. In order to own Chekov further, I took off my mask and picked him up using my superior strength.I knew this was my big chance to capture a ship and take my revenge on Kirk so I introduced Chekov and Captain Terrell to my wormies. I put one in each of their ears. I could then control them using the power of suggestion! The ball was beginning to rollChapter Two : GenesisBack at Earth, Admiral Kirk (whom somehow was promoted since I last saw him) and the crew of the Enterprise NCC-1701 were finishing up the final touches on their beloved flagship. Unbeknownst to them was the fact that I now possessed a Federation starship of my own, the USS Reliant! Haha, it was great, you totally had to be there. Check it outafter I had Captain Terrell and Commander Chekov under my wormy spell, I captured the Reliant crew and marooned them on Ceti Alpha V, Mr. Kyle and all! Hahaha! Owned! But I digress once againWhen I assumed the role of captain of the USS Reliant it was revealed to me what the ships mission was; to search for a completely lifeless planet of which to terraform using an experimental device, poetically named Genesis. I instantly understood the potential destructive power of the Genesis Device. I had to have it, and I knew just where to get it thanks to my zombie buds Terrell and Chekov! The only thing I wanted more than a doomsday weapon was James Kirk. I knew just how to bait him into my trap. I ordered Commander Checkov make a prank call to Regula One, home of the Genesis device (weapon)! Haha, he told em that Admiral Kirk had made orders for the Reliant to come pick up the device (weapon). They didnt seem too happy about that, but hey, Khan you blame them?Meanwhile on a routine training exercise, Kirk was informed of his orders to Regula One to retrieve the Genesis Weapon. Not wanting to reveal too much information, I jammed Regula Ones communication. Heh, I guess you could say I fed him static. I know this sparked his curiousity enough to assume the captains chair of the Enterprise. Kirk was on his way to Regula One and falling deeper into my trap!I had some time to kill so I transported down to the Regula One space station. I was going to retrieve the Genesis Weapon. Well, the scientists aboard the station kind of gave me a hard time about it. I pummeled them senselessly and hung some of them upside down to scare anyone who came looking for them. I am quite a crazy bastard I know. In order to maximize the full potential of my scheme, I hid Terrell and Chekov in a big box in the middle of the station. My gaydar told me Chekov may try to put moves on Terrell while in there, so using the wormy power I told Chekov No. Unfortunately I couldnt find the weapon during the torture sessions so I left knowing that when Kirk arrived, he would lead me straight to it. Wait, wait. Before you start thinking Im a complete asshat, I want you to know that I left Terrell and Checkov with some Hot Pockets and Dasani. A genius of my caliber still has some, but not many, rules.Theres more to come, tune in next time! Ciao!Khan