New Rule: "The View" must be renamed, "Morning Cat Fight." Barbara, Joy, get out of the way and let these two have at it! I want to see Rosie introduce the Republican chick to lesbianism, the hard way. [slide of Rosie O'Donnell in dominatrix outfit from film, "Exit to Eden"]New Rule: Fashion and Wal-Mart don't mix. Wal-Mart's first attempt to sell designer clothing has been a huge flop. I wonder why. Oh, I know, because it's Wal-Mart. If your customers cared about fashion, they'd shop someplace classier, like the Salvation Army. The only fashion question a Wal-Mart shopper has is, "Can I get this in camouflage?" Okay, never mind. It's all right.New Rule: You don't have to email me the pictures of everything your baby has ever done. The first step, his first sand castle, his first date with Demi Moore... I don't care. I mean, how many times do I have to say it? That's not my baby, Angelina!New Rule: Rudy Giuliani has to bring the comb-over back. Americans haven't voted for a bald president since Eisenhower. Now, here's Rudy without the comb-over. [image of Nosferatu] And here he is with it! [image of John Edwards]And finally, New Rule: Jimmy Carter must be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay. Last weekend, former U.S. president and current Al Qaeda operative--Jimmy Carter, launched an unprovoked attack upon democracy itself by telling an Arkansas newspaper that the Bush Administration has been the worst in history. And people were shocked... Arkansas has newspapers?!But, once again, we were sucked into a phony controversy about who said what and how it hurts George Bush's feelings. Because when you hurt George Bush, you hurt America's feelings; and when you hurt America's feelings, you hurt the troops. And when that happens, Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies.Now, as for Carter's assertion, I was up all night on Wikipedia doing an exhaustive study of former presidents. And while other presidents have sucked in their own individual ways, Bush is like a smorgasbord of "suck." He -- he combines the corruption of Warren G. Harding, the war-mongering of James Polk, and the abuse of power of Richard Nixon.Nixon got in trouble for illegally wiretapping Democratic headquarters. Bush is illegally wiretapping the entire country!Nixon opened up relations with the Chinese. Bush let them poison your dog.Herbert Hoover, who was literally named after a machine that sucks--sat on his ass through four years of Depression, but he was an actual engineer. And if someone told him about global warming, he would have understood it before the penguins caught on fire.Ulysses S. Grant let his cronies loot the republic, but he won his Civil War.Harding...Harding sucked, but he once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." So at least he knew he sucked. He never walked offstage like Bush does after one of his embarrassing, language-mangling press conferences--with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it!" Or maybe that's just the look you get when you have a showdown with the Democrats, and you win. Like he just did with Iraq. You don't get to become the worst president ever without a little help from the other side.You know, I like Jimmy Carter, but when the -- when the Republican "fake outrage" machine pretended to be so upset at his remarks, Carter did what Democrats do, and backed down. He said his words were careless and misquoted, and the sun was in his eyes, and his hearing aid went out, and he was molested by a clergyman.Instead of looking them in the eye and saying, "No, I meant what I said because it's true! And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet, and you can blow me."
Okay. New Rule: The mannequins at the Nike Workout Store must either sprout a penis or lose the boobs. I'm there to pick up a new pair of sneakers, not a post-op tranny. And if all I wanted was to have sex with myself, I wouldn't bother working out to begin with. New Rule: Don't encourage the boneheads I see walking and driving around to be walking and driving around while they watch TV! According to Steve Jobs, you're just not cool anymore unless you're stumbling down the wrong street watching "Lost." It's true. I saw it on my phone. Say what you want about people who read while they drive, at least it's reading.New Rule: The folks who designed the poster for "Pan's Labyrinth" must make it look more like a little girl walking into a giant diagram of the female reproductive system. And change the slogan to, "If you ovulate to only one movie this year..."New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and extremely talented. Aretha Franklin is a diva. Jennifer Hudson, a diva in training. You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday. If you act like a diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch." This has been a Black History Month Moment.And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as women keep acting crazy. Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker.But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president. I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country.So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I could think was one thing. Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-shit, it's just going to give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready for a woman president. And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem. Now, I'm not saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects. After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator. Lindsay Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare. And Anna Nicole Smith, you need to get your ass buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral!And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.And, of course, above all, no one – no one marries Tom Cruise.It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my lifetime. So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no problem pulling his lever for a woman."
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New Rule: You're not posing nude unless I can see your genitals. A peek at Scarlett Johansen's rump is not good enough, especially when I've had Jake Gyllenhaal's ass in my face twice this year. Which is weird, because I haven't seen "Jarhead" or "Brokeback Mountain."New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one.New Rule: The Olympics must stop putting on opening ceremonies that make me wonder if someone slipped acid into my drink. I tell you, you watch four hours of skaters with flaming torch helmets racing around interpretive dancers dressed in camouflage condoms, all while people in lederhosen play sixty-foot trombones, and suddenly that-[slide of luger]-starts to make sense.New Rule: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't it mixed up with an empty and throw it out the window.And finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill."But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband!And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.
New Rule: Boxers have to get rid of that pre-fight ritual where they go nose-to-nose and taunt each other. This doesn't say, "Let's get ready to rumble." It says, "Can't you two see you're in love?" Besides, what's he going to say? Something that makes you so mad you want to punch him in the face? You're already going to punch him in the face! How about skipping the trash talk and just go to the part where you punch each other in the face?New Rule: Screenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the carton of stale Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that's how we know they're single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex and that's how we know they're not married?New Rule: Political debaters must stop pretending they have a friend in the audience. I don't know who started this hacky tradition of randomly pointing at people but it's got to stop. "Look, there's my friend!" "I've got a friend, too!" "So do I!" "I've got two friends!" You know, it was cool when Clinton did it, but only because he was going, "Need her, need her, got her, got her, need her, need her, got her!"New Rule: Men can't wear shorts with a suit. I don't care how bad global warming gets, you can't walk around looking like you've lost your lollipop. This look doesn't say, "I'm casual but elegant," it says, "I'm Buster Brown and I live in a shoe." Even the gayest gay men think this is too gay. At least that's what they tell me in the steam room.And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.