About Me
I am a stand-up comic, author and really bad golfer based in LA. I've done stand-up for around 13 years and have performed thousands of times for corporate events, private parties and comedy clubs. Some of my jokes appeared in the national bestseller Joke Soup. MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends and fans.
My main website is here .
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Polls
Funniest MovieFunniest Female Comedian
Funniest Seinfeld Character
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Take a quick second and go to these sites and click on the "Click Here" button. Each click donates funds to the various causes. It is paid for by the banner ads you'll see:Fund Free Mammograms
Give Free Food
Help A Child
Give Free Books
Save Our Rainforests
Feed an Animal in Need
Frappr Map
Unique bands and singers I found on MySpace
Adonis Cross- Acoustic/Rock/PopSusie Suh- Alternative/Acoustic
The McRackins - Pop Punk/Punk/Power Pop
Southern Bitch - Rock/Southern Rock
Tonya Watts - Country/Southern Rock
With my brother at Champs Sport Bar -near
OSU - Columbus, OH - Summer 2005
With my father in St. Augustine, FL- Summer 1990
(broke my leg skiing in Lake Tahoe in January of
that year)
Speedz Racing- Columbus, OH - Summer 2005
Family Reunion - Dayton, OH- Fall 2003
Before beer and golf took their toll
Put your Pin in my Guest Map! Click Here! Yehaw!
Comedy Quote
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
- "Anchorman- The Legend of Ron Burgandy"
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Brian Fantana: [Talking about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. time to musk up. [opens Clogne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne...It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries...Yep it's made with bits of real Panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent...It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works everytime.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see is we can make this little kitty purr [snarls]
- "Anchorman- The Legend of Ron Burgandy"
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Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- "Anchorman- The Legend of Ron Burgandy"
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Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
- "Anchorman- The Legend of Ron Burgandy"
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Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married! v Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost a lot of good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost a lot of good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Gloria Cleary: That was awesome.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, that was. We should get back. They'll be looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
- "Wedding Crashers"
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John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
- "Wedding Crashers"
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Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
- "Wedding Crashers"
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