A FEW OF MY FAVORITE ROAST JOKES..."I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU WITH BEA ARHTUR'S DICK"."SHAQ, YOU'RE KNUCKLES LOOK SCRAPED. DID YOU WALK HERE?""DREW CAREY IS TO COMEDY WHAT MARIAH CAREY IS TO COMEDY"."WILLIAM SHATNER, YOU HAVE REALLY LET YOURSELF BOLDLY GO"."HOW IS POSSIBLE THAT COURTNEY LOVE LOOKS WORSE THAN KURT COBAIN?"
I ONLY ROAST THE ONE'S I LOVE! CLICK HERE AND WATCH MY INFAMOUS ROAST OF DALLAS COWBOY STAR EMMIT SMITH -- LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS! IT'S COLDBLOODED! Roast of Emmitt Smith, Jeff Ross
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Lately I've been listening to The Killers, Beastie Boys, Wolfmother, Gogol Bordello, Evan & Jaron, Herb Larsen Orchestra, John & Dave Warrin, and my nephews play the piano.
CHECK OUT THIS REVIEW FROM THE JUNE 7TH TAPING OF MY COMEDY CENTRAL STAND-UP SPECIAL... Comedian Ross leaves no member of audience uninsulted at Borgata By SCOTT CRONICK At The Shore, 609-272-7017 Published: Sunday, June 08, 2008ATLANTIC CITY - Why did Jeffrey Ross wait so long? That's the only question that can be posed after Ross made his New Jersey stand-up debut Saturday night at Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa. The comedian, actor and writer, best known for his roastmaster duties on Comedy Central roasts of Flavor Flav, Pam Anderson and others, was brilliantly funny. Ross, who last appeared in Atlantic City as the host of ESPN's "Mike & Mike Show" at the House of Blues earlier this year, showed he can do much more than insult people, although he did some of that, too. In fact, that's what made Ross' show so funny. His ability to rip into people is certainly in a class with Don Rickles, but he also is a stellar stand-up comic. Combine the two abilities and you have one great performer. Ross, who greeted the crowd by telling them he never performed in New Jersey before because he "never felt ready," was certainly on top of his game Saturday.The insults were in abundance as he picked on crowd members, particularly regarding their clothing choices. "Thanks for wearing your good flip-flops," he told one young male audience member. "Jesus Christ had better footwear than you." Holding a gold microphone and wearing a black leather suit with shiny gold snakeskin boots, the Newark native clearly felt at home, especially when offering some Jersey jokes. "Borgata is an old French word," he said. "It means three ---ing hours on the Garden State Parkway. Jersey is tough. At 10 I had to learn to breathe through my eyes." With a friendly crowd full of friends and family for his homecoming, Ross tackled subjects ranging from high school to airport security to politics. "I was elected in my senior class the most likely to fart during sit-ups," he said. "They confiscated my cigar cutter. What am I going to do, circumcise the passengers?" Of course, most of Ross' best material was raunchy, littered with words that had a few Borgata players walking out. Once in a while, he kept it relatively clean. On a porn actress asking him out: "She said, 'I'm working on Tuesday and Wednesday. How about we go out Thursday?' I was like, 'How about Monday?'" Most comics absolutely bomb when they get involved in audience participation, but Ross is the rare comic who actually makes it work. Toward the end of the show, the comedian brought two volunteer musicians to accompany him while he read ridiculous poems. Ross found gold in "Larry the tollbooth guy," whom Ross guessed was a "food critic for High Times magazine." Hefty with a neon blue sweatshirt and matching argyle socks, the talented, bald pianist helped Ross end the night with a bang, resulting in a standing ovation. PRESS OF ATLANTIC CITY________________________________________________________ ___THE NEW YORK POST GIVES MY FILM A FOUR STAR REVIEW! ****LAUGHING THROUGH BAGHDAD COMIC'S HOME MOVIES OF WARBy Adam Buckman Published: May 26, 2006THE best documentary to emerge so far from the Iraq War comes from an unexpected source.It is comedian Jeffrey Ross, a sad sack with a high-pitched voice and a face like Walter Matthau's.He's been around for years and is perhaps best known for his participation in Friars' roasts.And now, he deserves to be best known for something else - his personal, videotaped account of a trip he made to Iraq to entertain American troops.The film he made - titled "Patriot Act: A Jeffrey Ross Home Movie" and running just an hour and a quarter - reveals that Ross is as observant a journalist as he is a comedian, something he might not even realize.What is clear is this: When he was invited by his friend, Drew Carey, to join him on a one-week USO tour of Iraq in fall 2003, along with a handful of other comedians, Ross saw an opportunity to produce something worthwhile from the experience.So he ran a camcorder throughout the entire trip and later created this documentary, which is as touching as it is hilarious.Its hilarity stems from Ross' running commentary throughout the film, and the performances of the comedians before appreciative crowds of servicemen and -women at bases and camps all over Iraq, some of them on the frontier and within range of enemy mortars.Although it's Ross' movie, he gives ample screen time to all of the comedians on the tour, who besides Carey and himself included Blake Clark, Kyle Dunnigan, Andres Fernandez and Rocky Laporte.Actress Kathy Kinney, who played Mimi on "The Drew Carey Show" was also on hand.And writer Larry Gelbart, who wrote 40 episodes of "M*A*S*H," appears in the movie (but is not part of the tour) to give Ross some sage advice about USO shows. Gelbart should know - he wrote for and traveled with Bob Hope.The touching part is what Ross learned. "I am starting to get why Bob Hope did this for so long, because these were the best crowds I ever performed for," Ross says at the film's conclusion. "Every single GI that I met thanked me for coming, but I should have been thanking them because if anyone got a morale boost, it was me."
Played a dead guy on "C.S.I.",Played a stoner on "Weeds",Played the friend of a dead guy on "Six Feet Under"Played security guards in "Stuck On You", "National Security", and "Greg The Bunny".Played myself in "The Aristocrats" and "The Sarah Silverman Program".
SHOWBIZ AUTOBIOGRAPHIES... "Enter Talking" bY Joan Rivers "Enter Bleeding" by Johnny Knoxville "Yes I Can" by Sammy Davis Jr. "No I Can't" by Ryan Cabrera
Buddy Hackett, Blake Clark, Robyn Stahl, Aaron Lee, Drew Carey, Bob Hope, Wayne Newton, Andrew Jarecki, Larry Gelbart, & Julia