sometimes, i'm a visual artist.
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I used to write about myself idealized: like a magdalene. I've painted myself as her, as judith, as delilah. Never the daughter, but the perpetrator: woman as ratified criminal.
And as i wash their feet,
And as i behead them,
And as i shear their locks,
I revere them.
Their behavior begged (and bagged) my (performance) (activity) (crime).
I became.
I wanted to be a protégé. (adopted).
I wanted to be a muse. (loved).
["all songs are sad songs"]
Aware that i occupy a place of privilege. I've touched the music (words) with return. I return the gaze. This proximity splits a chasm of unresponded (answer me) potential. I want to unlayer the lines. Break down the amplification. Remove the loudness of our silence. Undo ourselves until...
A lot of people thought I wasn't doing anything because I was spending a lot of time socialising and going out, but I've always managed to get work actually done. Damien Hirst
When you are working, everybody is in your studio – the past, your friends, the art world, and above all, your own ideas – all are there. But as you continue painting, they start leaving, one by one, and you are left completely alone. Then, if you are lucky, even you leave.John Cage
