Dudes and especially dudettes, I'm a fictional character in Richmond West's book The Deviants, a villain in a book suggested for mature readers, so if you add me to your friends list or even just want to read more of my profile, be warned: I'm gonna say whatever the hell I feel like saying, just like I do in the book.
Now, my writer, Richmond West, wants me to tell you folks to chill if you feel offended at first, that I'm like a character in a morality play and to see beyond any initial shock to the messages he's trying to convey. Whatever! I quite honestly don't care what anyone thinks. Richmond West's too sensitive a nice guy anyway. Not me. You know what they say--nice guys finish last. Check out my score on the "How Evil Are You?" test. That'll give you an idea of who I am and what I'm about.
How evil are you?
You Are 100% Evil
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
How Evil Are You?
I had a Deviant power (until that lame-ass Johnny Knight took it away): I could sexually attract anyone, I mean anyone, I wanted (as long as they liked guys to begin with). It was a pretty damn cool power. I loved using it. And I slept my way to the top with it. I even came to an understanding with the Immortals, who Johnny Knight, like the idiot he is, opposes. I'm like, man, they got the power. Just cooperate. All we should be interested in is making money, and if we have to cooperate with the powers that be in order to do it, so be it. That's my philosophy.
I don't give a crap about anything but sex, money, and power. If I hurt your feelings along the way...tough!
You think I have a nice side? Pfffttt! Nice is for wimps. I get what I want when I want it, how I want it, or if you're an obstacle to that, I'll mow over you. That is, when I get my powers back. Right now I can't mow over anybody, unfortunately. Thanks to that goody-two-shoes Johnny Knight reversing my powers so that now I'm repulsive to everybody, I'm stuck scrubbin' toilets at Donovan's Eatery. So forget nice! I crave revenge. When I get my powers back, Johnny Knight is going to pay...big time! And I will rebuild my sexual empire and be the badass I wanne be again.
Richmond West promises I'll be getting my powers back in Deviants Too, and then, in Reign of Deviance, I'm gonna rock Johnny's world. He's gonna be sorry he messed with me. I am so gonna take him down.
Although my writer, Richmond West, is a nice guy, I definitely am not! Be my friend and prepare for someone who says and does whatever the hell he pleases, especially when it comes to sex. I live to make Howard Stern look lame and tame.
Check out the three-part "Saga of Scratch" blog posts above, and you'll get my entire tale thus far in short-story form, straight from the pages of The Deviants. And my story'll rock your world as only I can. If you're still interested, and I know you will be because I'm irresistible, then be my friend; if not, start steppin'. If you're offended by me, don't let the door hit you on the way out! Like I said, I'm just a fictional character...geez! I ain't got time for wusses.
Here's my favorite passage, with its hilarious last two lines (Richmond West tells me he cracked up in a Boston Market restaurant in Fresno when he wrote them, and the waitresses asked what was wrong as tears streamed down his face--whatever! Is my writer a wuss or what?), from page 92 of The Deviants, copyright 2006 Richmond West:
"Scratch walked into his plush new office. He clicked on his computer and accessed scratch dot com. His new website was getting thousands of hits per day. Scratch smiled. He was selling lots of photos and making big bucks. All those people who had called him a pimply ass--well, he had the last laugh. His clothing and cologne lines were selling like hotcakes. And if people were rich or had a lot of power, Scratch would bang them. As if they were dogs, Scratch gave them bone. Pleasure beyond measure. Soon, there were a lot of powerful people scratching Scratch's back. Yes, he had the last laugh to those that laughed at his pimply ass. He was now a pimply-assed millionaire.
"But every once in a while, Scratch would notice those 'construction workers' following him, keeping tabs... But he didn't care. He'd buy them. Or, if any of them were heterosexual women or gay men, he'd sleep with them. He wasn't worried. Let them follow him around. Scratch was banging everybody he wanted to bang, and had a host of models from the agency to choose from, male or female. He was an equal-opportunity bonker. But you had to be beautiful, at least by Scratch's definition of beauty--unless you were rich. If he liked you or wanted to use you, he'd take out his tool kit and start hammering, nailing, and screwing. Or he'd take out Elmer's glue and paste you. Yep. He liked to bang away. Scratch wasn't getting bang for his buck. He was getting buck for his bang."
Dang it! I wish I had my power back so women would quit doing this to me!!! (Art by David Lapham from the Harbinger series)
Alright, here's the book I'm in. It rocks! As only I can:
Order this book and be cool like me.
Click the "Add to Cart" button below to order The Deviants ($15.00 + $3.00 S&H) via Paypal.
I'm not in this book, but since it's by Richmond West, it rocks nonetheless.
Click the "Add to Cart" button below to order Your Yesterday Is My Tomorrow ($15.00 + $3.00 S&H) via Paypal.Home | Browse | Search | Invite | Film | Mail | Blog | Favorites | Forum | Groups | Events | Videos | Music | Comedy | Classifieds
