ot;width: 480px; text-align: center;"Thank you, my King, thank you.
..Grace Like Rain
Add to My Profile | More VideosWell, I actually grew up in the church. I remember receiving Christ when I was 6 years old. My parents divorced when I was 7, and we moved a lot. Through Jr High and High school I was really involved in church and learned the majority of my biblical knowledge. My mother was, and still is, an extremely depressed woman. Over 30 admissions to psychiatric hospitals. So, that kind of thwarted my perception of God. I came home every day to her in bed. I mean, she spoke as if her word was God's word and I, in turn, rebelled. I remember had no respect for her, an absent father, and issues with boys at the time. I was tired of being treated like crap from all the Christian guys, (in retrospect, rejection issues) and found it much more fun to hang out with the stoners, hehe. I left home at 17, and hooked up with an addict. After 3 years of dealing with his cheating and drinking and drugs, I left him. Oh, not before I had his baby when I had just turned 19.
I know, nice. I didn't want my son around that so I moved out. I started going to Al-anon and learned some basic life skills. How to detach from him and not let my sense of well-being to be wrapped up entirely in another person. I met my current husband when I was 19, and we have been together for 14 years now. During about 10 of those years I was on a spiritual, as well as intellectual course. I studied everything from Buddhism to Taoism, existentialism, metaphysics, etc.
Philosophy, psychology, etc. etc. But each thing just took self discipline that I could practice for only a short time. I still had a horrible sense of loneliness, despair, and emptiness. I walked around with a nagging sense that something was wrong. Either I had done something wrong, was doing something wrong, or not doing something I was supposed to. But the feeling wasn't rational. I could not think my way out of it. I'm not talking full blown depression, but definitely not fulfilled. I went through bouts of anorexia, because I thought that if I made myself physically perfect, I would not
experience rejection. I was wrong. I got swallowed up by a devastating illness. After a while, I was able to overcome the disease. It was at Easter about 3 years ago that there was a lot about Jesus on the history channel, as well as others. I started to study Jesus as a historical figure. A political activist. A man that burst onto the scene of legalism, bondage, pain, and despair. I had realized that I had an open mind about any philosophy or religion EXEPT Christianity. I had become open-minded to the point of closing my mind. I saw the Passion of the Christ and, as hard as I thought I was,
it broke my heart. I realized how much I loved and admired him. I had studied extensively the crucifixion and thought I could go in with a purely critical attitude. Not so. The next day I was thinking of how vast, immense, and incomprehensible God is. I thought, "How can I relate to such an infinite being? It is too wonderful to me." It suddenly all made sense. I pictured this massive, almost tornado-like shape of the universe. The whole thing swirling like a tornado. Representing God in all his infinity and beauty, all his complexity and wisdom. But it all came down to a point, on our little planet. It was Christ Jesus. The way I could know God, the path to Him. The way He made to reach me, know me, love me, and for me to know him. I was suddenly horrified. I felt such shame that I had him with me for all those years and never talked to Him. He allowed me my times of questioning, searching, rejecting, even mocking him. I then prayed for the first time in many years. I said, "Jesus, I don't know if you can hear me. I feel silly, like I'm talking to Santa Clause. But if you can hear me, and I can talk to you, and you can respond, here I am. If I can have a relationship with you, I WANT ONE. But I'm gonna need a little faith, because I don't have any." Since that moment, I have been more certain of His existence than I even am of my own. I am madly and passionately in love with Him. He is my Savior, from despair and loneliness. My best friend. I am constantly and habitually captivated by his love,
his ways, and his intelligence. He is beautiful to behold. Well, probably longer than you expected, but that's as
condensed as I can get! When you have found an oasis in the middle of a desert, you want others to drink from it as well!! "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!"
Amy www.kasotc.org
