Since that fateful night six years ago, a lot of people have asked me how I did it, moved back to NYC, started over, and remained drug-free. I don't think there is an easy answer or easy way. The day I saw my brain scan was a major turning point for me. I realized how destructive I had been to myself, my body, my soul ...something inside of me finally clicked. I knew I had a choice to make. I could either go back to my old ways and end up institutionalized, jailed, or dead, or I could try a new road. A road where I would have to fight my way back to some kind of life, some kind of normalcy. Basically I could be a victim or victor. It wasn't an easy choice and still isn't some days. That was just the beginning of my long and arduous road to recovery. I was truly blessed to have a wonderful support system behind me. I know not everyone has that.
I felt a lot of guilt and shame after I got out of the psych ward(s). How were people going to treat me? How could I have let this happen? Would I be shunned or looked down upon because I was an addict? It was scary and I felt very much alone. But the best decision I have ever made was to share my pain, my life, with others. The more I talked about what was going on inside of me, the less fearful I became. I receive thousands of emails from people all over the world. Mothers, fathers, teachers, and countless young people, all sharing their own stories of pain and agony. I now realize how "not" alone I am/we are. All of us fuck up, make mistakes, and pay the consequences. I believe it's what we do with the "fuckups" that make us or break us. You always hear the saying, "Don't worry, time heals all wounds." I don't buy it. I think it's what we do with the time that heals.
Today I live a completely different life. I find joy and ecstasy in the small things. Waking up on a cool morning and sitting on my patio with a cup of coffee, traveling around the country and talking with young people about addiction, sitting on the beach and watching a California sunset. I know this might sound so corny but it's true. So I guess I will leave you with this...those of you out there who feel like your life is over, that you have nowhere to go and no one to turn to, I know your deperation. I lived it. I want you to know there is a way out. Sure, you'll have many rocky mountains to climb, but what awaits you on that other side is beautiful, fucking amazing. I promise.
I'd like to meet:
Anyone who BELIEVES in miracles, anyone who FEELS alone, anyone who is not afraid to LOVE, anyone who has had their heart broken, anyone who can LAUGH at themselves, anyone who has struggled with addiction, anyone who is not afraid to SPEAK up/out, anyone who needs STRENGTH right now, anyone who DREAMS big, anyone who inspires, anyone who needs a FRIEND...
Music:
Expert Contacts and Infomative Websites
www.drdrew.com
www.health.org
www.drugfreeamerica.org
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
www.na.org
For a referral to a treatment program near you call 1-800-662-4357
For questions about ecstasy: 1-866-XTC-FACTS
Also feel free to email me at [email protected]
Movies:
"It is not about how empty, deadly, and hopeless drug addiction is....it's about how amazingly fulfilling sobriety truly is."
Television:
"Faith isn't the absence of fear but the courage to walk through it."
Books:
Augusten Burroughs, Joseph Campbell, Chuck Palahniuk, Richard Bach, David Sedaris, Loung Ung, Sylvia Plath, Rumi, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss...
Heroes:
My name is Rick Calvert,I am a recovering addict and alcoholic I say that because alcohol was always the thing that got me through. If I did to much meth or cocaine Jose would leval me right out if I had the cold sweets from heroin sickness a 12 pack of Bud could ease me into the comfort zone.
I started drinking at the 12 because I never fit in in school or with my peers. I was a big kid kinda fat and clumsy at a youg age all the kids made fun of me and i would run home and cry to my mom. she would fix me somthing to eat and i would watch TV and eat. this went on till I was 12 one day i ran home from a naighbor kid cring and my older brother told me to get out and fight him or he would kick ma ass. So I did just that and after the fight my brother gave me a drink of wine oh boones farm strawberry hill I will never forget that day. that as the day I met my best friend for the next 28 years,
I quit school at the age of 16 and went to work in the oilfield. I went from a school age kid to making $1000.00 every two weeks and I started drinking every day then.
At the age of 18 I got my first DWI and i went to jail for a year for hittin a cop i knocked him out and the judge gave me a year in the county jail for that so needless to say that just fuled my self pity and anger agienst society
so the day I got out i got drunk and stayed that way for the next two weeks.
then one day i was broke and went to the nearest convience store and stole a botle I got cought by the clerk and hit in the head wth the bottle I got another year for that. when I got out that time I hated everybody.
I coninued to work on the oil rigs and drink got amarried and devorced twice had two kids.
one boy and one girl
well like i said I kept drinkin and have no realtion ship with my daughter because of it.
I won custody of my son though in court and i continued drinking every day till i was 28 then I got bone cancer and the doc gave me pecadan, Dilaudid, and Demerol for the pain and the more he asked me the more i hurt of course, at that time i was eating 360 pills a month along with drinkin whiskey like it was water.
Well the doc cut out the tomor and after two years no more cancer so he cut me loose with a gorilla on my back. During these years i was mixin alcohol.opiates and meth IV of course. When the doctor released me
I got very ill from opiat withdrawl so a frind told me here try this it was a needle full of Heroin so i did I was in love from that point on I was 28 then and I shot heroin and coke and speed but mainly heroin for the next 10 years. Well one day a close friend of mine died of an od we were all parting and we al nooded out some asshole gave him to mche we were all into speedballin then well to make a long story short i was almost daed and the cops woke me up with a gun in my face asking if I knew who the dead body was in the alley. That was my first ahha moument I went to rehab that time that was my third time.
I managed to stay clean when I got out because of a place in Hobbs, New Mexico called the opportunit house a halfway house I went to for almost a year 11 months I lasted then I had to try it again.It was thanks giving and I had been clean 12 1/2 months decided I deserved a drink like we do just one no one will ever know. Well that one drink turned into 8 months in hell for me I had Hep. C to from sharing needles. and that relapse sent me into liver failure.
Well how i stopped was one night I was down to nothing again in a year I had gotten a nice home a vehical, funiture even had my ex-ol'lady back but i lost it all.I od'd one night and was ina comma for 6 days when I woke up I was swollen and yellow almost dead so I went back to the house and stayed ther for 5 months but I was in end stage liver faliure the dotor gave me two weeks to live and I went home to mom and dads to On Hospice to die. I met a doctor who would not give up ane my parents and son wre right by my side through it all. I poor father thought I would never make it to see my 39 Birthday but I did and they sent me to the University of Colorado hospital in Denver i was there thee months and on July 7, 2002 i recieved a new liver and new life i went to Denver not knowing anyone so I called the AA hotline from the hospital and in 30 min I had a man in my room and in another houre we had enough people to have a meeting, What wionderful people in the prgram AA and NA saved my life.
I got back home to Roswell meet the love of mey life and we spent 9 wonderful months togather then we got high dont ask me why Im an addict and thats what we do if we dont put our recovery first .
Well i went back to a meeting the next day and my love didnt her disease kicked back in we had a arguement and ii left telling her if she would stop i would come back see my new liver almost quit on me i alomst died. Well to make a long story short she died to days later I went to check on her and I found her dead in the middle of the floor face down a needle hanging out if her arm. well i went on for another 14 months and i one day i couldnt take the pain and guilt and grief I just wanted to get some relief and i knew how I would get high jsut one time there i go again theis time I was immediatlly back where I was shootin speedballs thats heroin and cocaine for 21 long days. The night I quit one of my best friends in recovery had relapsed and od'd and that night March 10, 2004 i qiuit and havent picked up since
In the last 4 years I have got my Associates Degree and Coulseling lisence been an intern at the same rehab I went through for three years. I have one more year till my BSW and then on to my masters in social work.
July 13 2005 My pride and joy passed away I lost my 18 year old son. Suddenly out of no where my life was turned upside down but I stayed in school and stayed clean one day at a time
Ive lost alot but I have been bleesed alot through the program of AA and NA. I will say this of my life I loved a women with all my heart and then I lost that one of a kind love to drugs. I Loved my son with that love only a father can feel for his son. I miss both of these people more thn i can say , however I am greatful that god blessed me with there preasence they belong to god and he allowed me the prevledge to love them and know they both loved me. I get extream happiness out of helping addicts and i am spiritually filled when i see the lights come on in those beautiful eye that are clearing up for the first tie in years for meny of them I am one of the most blessed me in the world i feel and I am so greatful.The three greatest words in the world areKEEP COMING BACK
Just 4/2 Day
The NA WAYAn Addict named RICK C.
