HAILS, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE METAL HOTLINE! HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?
WE ARE THE METAL HOTLINE. SERVING THE METAL COMMUNITY SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL. SEND US YOUR METALLEST ITEMS, BE THEY STORIES, SONGS, PHOTOGRAPHS OR ARTWORK (ANYTHING FROM STONE CARVINGS OF ANCIENT RUNES TO .BMP FILES OF A BUG YOU SAW), LEGENDS, OR SACRED OATHS, AND WE WILL TELL YOU HOW METAL THEY TRULY ARE, FREE OF CHARGE!
WE ALSO ACCEPT FREELANCE ALBUM REVIEWS AND CONCERT REVIEWS. FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT ONE TO US IN MESSAGE FORM AT ANY TIME. WE WILL EVALUATE ITS METALNESS AND POST IT ON OUR PAGE FOR ALL TO SEE.
HALL OF CHAMPIONS:
A WORTHY FEW WE SHALL MEMORIALIZE IN THIS SACRED SPACE. THOSE WHOSE METAL SUBMISSIONS HAVE BEEN DEEMED WORTHY WILL FIND THEMSELVES FOREVER HONORED HERE. DOST THOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THIS ESTEEMED BROTHERHOOD?? SUBMIT AND FIND OUT!
ALEXIUS, PROTECTOR OF THE CHILD
KNACKER DWARF, LISTENER OF THE TAPES
MEET THE METALODERATORS:
LORD JOSIAS KENDISKKI
NATIVE LAND: THE DARK MIDWINTER FORESTS OF FINLAND
FAVORITE BAND: KALMAH
FAVORITE BREED OF METAL: FINNISH
FAVORITE WEAPON: SQUIRT GUN
EARL "UGLY EARL" JENKINS III
NATIVE LAND: GUTTERSLUT, TEXAS
FAVORITE BAND: KALMAH
FAVORITE BREED OF METAL: VIOLENT
FAVORITE WEAPON: MY STAPLE GUN SKILLS ARE IMPROVING
SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
ALL ENTRIES MUST BE SENT TO US VIA MYSPACE MESSAGE. BE THEY IMAGES, POST THEM AS COMMENTS UPON OUR MYSPACE PAGE. PLEASE INCLUDE FIRST NAME AND HOMETOWN, SO THAT FAME AND GLORY MAY FIND YOU. ALLOW UP TO SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS FOR REPLY, AS METALNESS MUST BE EVALUATED ON A WEEKLY BASIS, AS DICTATED BY TRADITION.
FAQ:
Q: WHO DECIDES HOW METAL MY ITEM IS?
A: OUR HALLOWED PANEL OF EXPERTS.
Q: HOW MANY ITEMS SHOULD I ENTER AT ONCE?
A: AS MANY AS YOU LIKE. BE METAL ABOUT IT. WE CERTAINLY WILL.
Q: DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?
A: OBVIOUS METAL THINGS ARE VERY METAL, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S THE CLEVER DETAIL THAT REALLY MAKES ONE ITEM OUTMETAL ALL THE OTHERS. TAKE A LOOK AT OUR HALL OF CHAMPIONS IN THE PHOTOS SECTION FOR SAMPLES AND INSPIRATION.
Q: WHAT BANDS DOES THE COUNCIL OF METAL EVALUATORS LISTEN TO?
A: OUTRAGEOUSLY METAL ONES; I'M SORRY I CAN'T BE MORE SPECIFIC.
Q: HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOING THIS?
A: SINCE THE FROZEN MISTS OF THE GREAT HILLS TO THE NORTH FIRST QUAKED AT THE THUNDER OF THE FOOTFALL OF NORFLAX, THE DRAGON GOD, DURING THE GREAT OCCUPATION OF BRYKLIUH WHEN A HERO BORN UNDER A ROTTEN STAR TO THE SON OF THE ZOMBIE QUEEN AROSE TO REND THE DARKNESS ASUNDER AND BRING A NEW DAY UNTIL THE DAWN OF ABYSAHALIANA, THE GODDESS OF NIGHTMARES AND ANGST, WHOM CAN ONLY BE PURGED FROM THE TOWER OF FILTH BY AN AXE FORGED FROM THE VOLCANIC EMISSIONS OF THE OGRE OF THE VALLEY. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN 2001, SO FIVE YEARS NOW.
Q: I DON'T THINK MY ITEM IS VERY METAL, WILL YOU GUYS BE NICE TO ME ANYWAY?
A: NO, WE WILL THEREFORE HATE IT.
