I believe it was a famous Harlem Globetrotter who once said, "Life begins after high school," so that's where I'll begin my "About me" section. After my high school career, I left Bessemer, AL and joined a band of traveling carnies, where I would collect money for the Gorrilla Girl and for overtime I was a stand-in for the Six Foot Man Eating Chicken. That is, until someone found out I was only 5'7". Then I had to start running the Gravitator for overtime.
During a stop in Smackover, Arkansas, I met a mediocre lookin' waitress named Nell. We both fell madly in love with each other, so I married her and to make a long story short, we were divorced after I found out that she was Canadian. I'm sorry, but interracial marriages are against my religion.
The next couple of years after my divorce were a complete blur. I found myself livng in Modesto, California trying to break the world record for spinning round and round in a swivel chair while listening to Slim Whitman's "Indian Love Call." I mannaged to do it for 2 years and 3 months. Don't bother looking me up for it. Guiness sent me an e-mail telling me that I didn't qualify. How was I to know that you needed a witness?
I eventually found my way back to Bessemer, Alabama by hitching a ride with a convoy of Hell's Angels. I rode on the back of a chopper with this lovely man named Tito Snakeskin. Boy, oh boy, do I miss holding Tito by the waist during that cross country excursion. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not gay or anything. Neither is Tito. Our relationship was strickly platonic.
Now, here I sit in Bessemer, the most beautiful city in all of Alabama. This place has everything anyone could ask for. We have an amusmement park with a real working roller-coaster, the state's largest thrift store and a great flea market that sells the best cajun boiled peanuts two dollars can buy. I've also heard rumours about some sort of museum here that suposedly houses Hitler's typewriter, but I've never been there.
Well, that's about all you're gonna get out of me without a fifth of scotch and a dime bag, so I'll leave you now with the following words of wisdom that my Uncle Domino once told me... "No matter what you're about to get yourself into, always sniff it first!"
Later!