veganism. activism. dumb, gross shit. the straight edge. acting like a twelve year old. camping. road trips. finding soy d mint chocolate chip or peanut butter palooka. temporary tattoos. pretending like i know the lyrics to 80's glam metal. cheap nights at the santa cruz boardwalk. laying in bed entirely too long. downloading shit i will never listen to or watch. annoying others around me. annoying myself. saying inappropriate stuff around strangers. genital punching. zombies. Untitled Document .
To You,
I have laid back heart spread, legs spread, soul opened, turning to you in the flickering light of the projection of some movie I know by heart but don't remember watching and asked. Not asked.
Asked you to come to me for sex or kink or hold me without me having to perform and have never gotten it. You are not here. I am alone and I wonder if I ever knew you.
You came to me with your stories and your pain and your beliefs and your hopes and your smile and now I see you as you are flawed . I want to hold your head to my breast and ignore your tears and talk into the night into the dark about nothing and everything and look to you, only finding you looking to me.
Morning comes on severe and you were afraid to talk of all the things shared in the night and once again I don't know where I stand. Once again I have to bear the burden of this human life where we have to push, push all the time forward not knowing where forward is. I have slept through your screams and you have slept through mine.
I am attracted to you because you are weird like me, not at all a bad thing and something I wear with pride because the alternative is to admit I have no idea what people really talk about, how exchanges are when I am not around.
I have wandered around tonight looking for the phone only wanting to call you, then it came to me. I don't know you. Otherwise you would be here.
I miss you but I don't know you. I have retreated so much into myself at times, because it is safe here and wonder if no one can see me, am I a ghost?
The people I turn to now, the ones we tell ourselves are reliable aren't there for the dark reminiscing at night and the groping with our mouths and our hands and our souls and our hearts hoping somehow to unload, to fill another and be consumed, an even trade where we slice off pieces of our souls and serve it up with fried potatoes and a cold beverage. This is my life and I am not prepared for it at all. This was not what I meant, at all.
Don't be fooled by my dramatic performance. Man can be drawn with simple lines and still the epic nature of man can never be written. It's late. I'm still up as always as usual.
I miss you. I'll probably always keep missing you, like we do when we remember our favorite toy or book or friend from childhood, forever lost to us and glorified by the absence that will never be satisfied.
You'll always be out of reach. But I wish I could kiss you goodnight. Tell me what you dreamed . Tell me what you think. Tell me you were real. Tell me I am.
Anonymous
I'd like to meet:
Someone to pay my student loans when I'm in jail! Activists, vegans...those actively working to make this world a better place.
Music:
the postal service, stacey kent, rilo kiley, diana krall, beulah, ice cube, ida, terror, day of lions, aesop rock, sage francis, aretha franklin, trial, iron and wine, the shins, johnny cash, junior senior, kayne west, modest mouse, old school hip hop - pre '92, bad metal, hardcore that means something, anything that makes me say "god, this is fucking awful - i have to download this..."
Movies:
annie hall, day of the dead, evil dead II, raising arizona, cinema paradiso, akira, the abyss, zoolander, all the harry potter films, anything by the coen brothers, anything where the dead walk the earth, eating the flesh of the living. and anything that would make me want to curl up on the couch and watch it instead of going outside.
Television:
Anything I can download. the OC, of course. Freaks and Geeks, Six Feet Under, the Sopranos, Get a Life, the Simpsons, the Office, Da Ali G Show, Arthur (the cartoon, not the drunk dudley moore).
Books:
evasion, memories of freedom, life of pi, we die alone, band of brothers, hotel new hampshire
Heroes:
All my heroes wear masks, besides my mom. she doesn't wear a mask. but no one really impresses me anymore.
