Herman profile picture

Herman

The IRA aint got shit on me

About Me

I'm a wild and wooly man-beast with superior intellect. I'm addicted to vicadin, nitrous and Schlitz. I drive a blue car. I make a lousy neighbor. If I could get shitfaced with 3 people it would be Fernando Valenzuela, Lemmy Kilmeister, and George W. Bush (not that I support him politically, he just seems like a really good idiot to party with). I played for the Denver Nuggets for a brief stretch in 1987. Salma Hayek has a great rack. I suspect my dog might be gay. I have a gambling problem, but who gives a fuck, I haven't had any bones broken yet. Is it just me or is Winnie the Pooh a pussy? I like the cartoon characters who are real troublemakers, woody woodpecker, daffy duck, wiley coyote etc. My enemies list is slowly growing shorter. I often go to the horsetrack. Alcohol and explosions are always a good mix. If a PETA member would prefer that I hunt them instead of an animal, I would gladly oblige. I thoroughly enjoy when celebrities go completely bonkers... Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson, Margot Kidder to name a few. I often lay awake at night trying to determine the source of my fascination with women's breasts. Still haven't figured it out, but when I do I'll let you know.

My Interests

Paying bums to fight each other, getting obnoxious in taverns, playing golf in the house, playing the harmonica by the railroad tracks, going to cockfights, launching garbage into my neighbor's lawn with my yard-a-pult.

I'd like to meet:

Chicks without dicks. I'm tired of "surprises".

Music:

Stryper, John Tesh, David Hasselhoff, Yanni, Michael Bolton, Flock of Seagulls, Oingo Boingo, Mannhiem Steamroller, Barry Manilow, Starland Vocal Band, Engelbert Humperdink, Color Me Badd, Billy Ray Cyrus, Gerardo, Vanilla Ice, Snow, Murph and the Magictones, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Luca Brazi and the Fishes, Hall and Oates, Armada featuring Herman Mendelchuk, The Jesus Twins, Tiny Tim, Gorky Park, Fingerbang, ABBA, Meatloaf, Jefferson Starship, Vaginal Belch, Clay Aiken, Cannibal Corpse, Tijuana Symphony Orchestra, Dade County Jail Men's Choir Ensemble, Donnie and Marie, John Melon's Cougar Camp, The Black Magic Johnsons.

Movies:

Cool Hand Luke, The Road Warrior, Full Metal Jacket, Jackass, Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Return to the Planet of the Apes, Revenge of the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Escape from New York, Octopussy, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Cannonball Runs I & II, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, Deliverance, Curious George goes to Amsterdam, Emanuelle VII, My Little Pony: The Movie, Apocolypse Now, The Joy Luck Club.

Television:

My TV's out of service. I accidently shot it 9 times after the Sonics failed to cover the spread.

Books:

"I Was a Teenage Greg" by Barry Williams, "Don't Look at Daddy While He's Drinking" by Bing Crosby

Heroes:

Harvey Keitel, Joey Buttafuoco, Mike Ditka, Captain Hazelwood, Gus my cousin's bookie.

My Blog

Bloop

I like to fart in the bathtub and then bite the bubbles.
Posted by Herman on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Wow

I saw my asshole in the mirror this morning. It blew my fucking mind!
Posted by Herman on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Glimpses of Herm V

There's more to Herman than just being a right wing gun nut. For instance did you know that I was once a licensed massage therapist for the stars? I've rubbed down everyone from sexy Delta Burke to ...
Posted by Herman on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST