laughing at silly things and bed jumping! Music and good books and friends that make your eyes shine.
You and me - We would sit around a very big teapot in a field and have a large mug of tea that our hands can barely hold and laugh because we felt like being that way inclined. We might even go as far as to run around the field in clown boots so that we'd fall over our oversized feet. And then we may stay there until the sun fell and the night rose and we'd lie on our backs and count stars and remember how insigniifcant we all are and yet we are all made of stardust.
Jeff Buckley, Bob Dylan, Thomas dybdahl, Ryan Adams ,my mate Simon J Humphreys songs that make me laugh and songs that make me cry, a voice that sings from the soul or a man and his guitar.
Nothing TV stopped being good after 'Bod' 'The Flumps' 'The Children of Green Knowe' and 'Dogtanian' grew up and I had to follow.
The Alchemist - Paolo Coelho The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov Cider with Rosie, A Rose for Winter - Laurie Lee Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger Bonjour Tristesse - Francoise Sagan
They are my unsung secrets
adopt your own virtual pet!PEACE TREATY
A dirty mark upon my skin.
I've tried to rinse you away
But you leave a streaky, angry smudge
Quite unnecessary.
Like a slug bleeding it's trail
Across the floor
So there's no forgetting where he has been.
Your tiresome vitriolics
Like an earwigs pinch
Pathetic excuses of executing pain.
Yet I give in.
Allow the ambush space to vocalise
As one Battalion of Pride's army.
I hold up a white flag,
Tie dyed in guilty blood
But I don't hear your response.
I drop the flag on a pile of olive branches
Heaped at my feet.
I ignite a match
And watch the peace treaty burn
Then I turn and walk away.
I don't look back.
© Nathalie Pownall 2008EVER AFTER
I see the sunshine
When I think of then.
My heart aloft,
So light,
Cradled in your hands,
Precious as your own.
And yours -
I held so close,
Born of my love.
You were a gift,
A jewel,
The moon.
And when the mornings came,
I nestled myself
In you left impression on the sheets
and you -
Would take my scent,
Like a kiss upon your shoulder,
Through the streets.
So much to to dream of
To fall in love with.
Innocence,
The purest gift I could bestow.
Once given, forever cherished,
Always sought,
But never found by a truer heart.
The bitter sweet irony
Of our once upon a time.
© Nathalie Pownall 2008
FIRE
It began as a laugh
It was simply a joke
But the fires we burn
Are the embers you stoke
So don't send me lyrics
When your fingers get burnt
You're cruel and unreasonable
And I'm misunderstood.
It's not that I don't like you
It's not that I don't care
But if you cared to listen
You'll hear that I'm scared.
The flames that enticed me
And flickered my name
Are the same ones that hurt me
And dealt me the blame.
Now I am the firefly
And you are the light
I thought I could love you
But in truth its not right
So please take your wonder,
Your charm, and your gall.
I don't want to know you,
You're a heartbreaker, that's all.
© Nathalie Pownall 2007HIDDEN TRACK
A record playing in my mind
A folk song of a time
It trips and jumps and skips a beat
Just like my pounding heart
The memories and the places
Where once our shadows danced
Forgotten lyrics on a lost track
That the needle cannot find
But still I know the hidden song
It was written in my blood
My veins, they are the vinyl grooves
Through which my love still hums
I feel it and I hear it
The beauty and the pain
Though Ive tried to mute my throbbing heart
And tried to change the tune
Love is unforgiving
And will not be mistook
And though my heart is broken
And the rhythm of our souls has jarred
I want to have this dance with you
And find our hidden track.
© Nathalie Pownall 2005INNER THOUGHTS
Lets just sit
I dont want to talk for a while
I just want to be
I don't want to exist
In a beautiful world
Created by your protective deception.
I want to hear my heart beating in the silence.
that heart and the breath
That you take from me
Everytime you go away
And leave me to pick up the pieces of my life
Dust myself down
Polish my pride
And forgive you again
I don't doubt you love me
But sometimes its truth that we long for,
An inner glimpse of the soul
You're too afraid to reveal
Show me and I'll rest it in my palms.
long enough for you to feel....
Your own heart beating.
COPYRIGHT 2007 NATHALIE POWNALL
SLAUGHTERED YOUTH
I want to start at the beginning
And wash all the dirt goodbye
A new bar of soap
Essence of innocence
Untouched and unbruised
Not yet tainted by misuse
I roll it between my palms
It slips and slides
And tentatively I rub the lather down my leg
And between my thighs
The shower drums against my spine
Like a thousand stubby fingers kneading flesh
And Im looking at the soft skin where a smile used to be
A gash thats red and raw and sneering at me
Two pillows that cushioned a dream
Barbed wire that now strangles my screams
My eyes burn the soap wont cleanse
My skin itches, my hands turn to blades
That scratch and pull and tear
Ripping out my anguish
My filthy body
And finger pawed hair
The blood under my nails
Where I clawed myself free
Is not of him but of me
And I wake in a dank and moistened tomb
Hunted, sweating in the nightmare gloom
I turn to face the cold stare of the wall
Away from the angel who sleeps through it all.
The silent sobs absorbed by the sheets
My body a shell thats no longer mine
Self abused and rejected
Innocence slaughtered
By a moment in time.
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
FIST
She takes her heart
Holds it in her palms
And scrutinises every finger print
That has left it's dirty mark
She squeezes it between her fist,
Watches as the blood
Runs through her knuckles
Trickles down her arm
Dripping from her elbow
And she sobs,
Saltless tears.
© Nathalie Pownall 2005ODE TO THE ARCHER
What do you see when you look at me?
A girl?..
A lover?..
Or a free ride?
I’m tired baby so very tired
I gave you my heart
Laid it out for you to keep
I would have given you my soul if I could
But drip by drop you bled it dry
And now all that’s left is damaged goods
And who wants a heart that’s battered and bruised?
Who wants a girl whose eyes are dead?
Like diamonds you took them in your hand
Promised the world
Then crushed them to splinters in your palm
And I can’t breath
For suffocating
And I can’t cry
For tears
And I’m so stupid
I’m cupids fool
To endure his arrows
And lick his wounds
Saw the dart
Watched me fall
So aimlessly in love
With you!
I bent and bowed
Bowed kow-towed
To your every whim, your every need
Like a child I came to you
And like a girl I broke in two
Couldn’t understand it, couldn’t comprehend
How the love I felt became a desperate end
Someone told me love was an anchor
But it’s nothing but a helium balloon!
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
NOBODY
Lines of truth
Or furrows of deceit?
I look into your face
But what do I see?
Eyes that wallow deep inside
To a heart that brings you warmth
...
The heart, that night you broke
Ode felt words you whispered
Tripping off a forked tongue
Endorsing melodies to my name
Splintered by a chorus of lies
You looked at me - your saving grace
The girl your life was for
But I've tried and I cannot hold on
When there's nothing left but dust
That night, I saw right through you
Past the beauty in your eyes
Deep into a darkened place,
You thought you could always hide
I once thought your heart was beating
But now I know it's made of glass
And when I look into the reflection,
To find what it is I see
There is nothing but your shadow
- Suspended -
A false reality
You've perfectly perfected
The life of Dorian Gray
But your soul has faded in me
You're just an echo -
A nobody
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
LOST IN BLUE
Torn out pages,
Cut out holes.
Screwed up paper,
Mind in hell.
Strangled heart,
Strung out pain
Hold you forever,
Loved in vain.
Lame from running,
Tired of games,
No place to hide -
Too dog gone tired.
Frozen lips,
A virgin kiss
My love mistook.
Belief in you
Forever true
Now a teardrop,
A prison,
Salty dew,
Morning lingers,
Light bursts in,
But midnight shares the lonely room.
Fallen at the crossroads
As our life began to fade.
Misplaced youth,
Love for you.
Oaths forgotten ...
Lost in blue
© Nathalie Pownall 2005DAYBREAK IN TOKYO
Slip between the sheets
Warm still
From the soul thats been
In my thoughts and on my lips
Touched my skin
And kissed my cheeks
My conscience drifts from then to now
Then you were here and here is now
You wrapped your life around me
Cocooned me in your arms
Cushioned my head beneath your own
And blessed my silent dreams.
I kissed your eyelids as you slept,
Wondered how I came to be
The girl that put your heart to rest
And gave you all she was meant to be
And now I lie awake alone
And youre so far away
I drift back to the moment when
The sun came up and drenched the room
With the morning haze and April hue
And as we lay in a warmth of our own
I thought to myself,
Have I found my home?
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
GONE TOMORROW
The window pane catches your reflection
As you lift your body from the bed
And walk to the bathroom
I watch it flit across the glass
Like a still from a cinema screen;
Ethereal like a shadow
Real as my skin brushed yours
I pull the covers up under my chin
Breathing the musk of you in
My body is warm from the moment
But my lips are turning blue
I shudder, turning to see the expressionless wall
A cold reality of a stolen dream
Your reflection doesnt echo
Empty shadows haunt the room
But still the threads of you weave in and out of the silence
My soul tightening and pulling
Upon the stitch that spun our lives together
Knotting now, A cruel reminder
of our melodies pain
Too naive to see your reality bite
Too worldly to believe my fairy tale
I didnt imagine this ever after
My red shot eyes blink
As the wind cuts through the open window
Letting in a cold breath
Freezing my face
The imprint where your body lay
Folds into the ripples of the sheets
And you dissolve into a salty puddle
Forever lost in that unspent dream.
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
MISSING JULY 7th 2005
Mornings are the hardest
When suited shadows merge as a crowd
And each silhouette could be yours
Mechanicaly my 8:15 ride pulls in
I find a seat or sometimes I stand
Glance beside me at blank faces
I press play and he begins
Taking me to the bridge
And I see you, see me
The sun gleams
But the image is out of focus
The pavement is wet from rain
A bubble from a blow pipe
Pops!
And your gone when the muser loses key.
The only sound that fills the vacuum
Where our laughter used to be
Is the regular heartbeat
Of the train rocking over the tracks
It drowns out the rhythm of my own
And my mind races over memories
Searching for a reality,
A tangible moment in time
Long enough to feel.
The tube sighs through the station
I seek you on the platform
I roam you in my dreams
And when I find you there
And see you smile,
Grinning dimples back at me
I'm frightened.
Sometimes, the train is empty
And I sit there on my own
There's a great sense of knowing you
But the person who knows you
Is me but you are not him
You can't be
Because you are not here
And I no longer bump into you
On tubes, on platforms
I just stumble across memories
They trip me up,
Take my breath.
I catch myself
And breathe a breath,
It's yours.
© Nathalie Pownall 2005
CLOUD 9
You are the dream
Upon which my smiles are spun
Your voice a lullaby
When my soul is weak
You touch me with your finger tips
And my lips are kissed
And yet you're of a world
I don't belong
But take me
To where we can be
Without the 'cause
I will warm you with the sunlight
Cradle you from the storms
Tell you in a way I've never found before
My love is forever yours
© Nathalie Pownall 2007