Contrary to the unjust "boring" brush with which accountants always get painted, I have a total love of jokes - or anything that makes me laugh, for example:
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the time-honoured game of rugger (rugby football - a ball game that originates from the occasion when a Rugby School pupil picked up the football during a match and ran with it), a hooker is the name for the central member of a scrum who tries to hook the ball out to his fly-half or back to his No. 8.
Have you noticed that nothing's ever funny when you have to explain it - even I'm much funnier when I don't explain myself!
I'm consequently not going to explain the following joke, but isn't it sweet? Such a naive innocence, I love it:
If you haven't already got the giggles, how about the following:
When my time comes to die, I hope I can die calmly in my sleep like my Dad - and not screaming and shouting frantically like his passengers!
If that hasn't done the trick, I hope you'll manage to find something that appeals to you among the following jokes, updated daily:
I'd like to meet:
I can never have enough friends (a hang-up from going to boarding school fromthe age of six - all my friends were miles away from me at holidaytime) and I consequently welcome everyone. I'll do my best to be a genuine friend to allthose who are prepared to give me a chance. Please contact me if you can think of anything nice to say about a sad old accountant and I'll say somethingeven nicer back - but please make it before Friday 21st December 2012 when "it is conjectured (in the Maya belief system) that there may be a transitionfrom the current Creation world into the next"!
Cuh! Isn't that typical? I spend all my life working to pay for the excesses of my earlier years and just as I'm about to become debt-free and able toretire with the intention of creating and raising a second family, the end of the world comes - just how unlucky can one person be? (I don't even get the pre-Christmas weekend!)
The above map is supposed to display the location of all my unique visitors since a year last December, but I have more than 10,000 wonderful friends and 19,000 hits, so obviously some visitors are somehow managing to slip through undetected. However, if you'd like to make sure your location is included among those of my visitors, please enter the necessary info on the following map (added 07/20/07) - you can even leave your photo and a brief message if you really want to push the boat out! Thanks everso much, it's greatly appreciated.
And finally...
one of my latest additions to this page: if you'd prefer to leave me an audio comment rather than a typed one, please click on the "Record by Phone" button below - it would be lovely to actually hear your voice - isn't technology fantastic!
This is a really cool facility, because anyone can now leave me a message, you don't even need to be one of my friends. All you need is a telephone (please refer to my relevant blog) and, when you click on the "Record by Phone" button (above) and select the location nearest to you, you will be given a standard rate telephone number to dial and a four digit code number to enter (to connect your message to my account). After recording your message, you have a choice of (2) hearing it, (3) re-recording it or (1) submitting it - and (just to put your mind at ease) if you're ever not happy with it, it can be deleted. So please leave me a message, if for no other reason than to enable me to delete the joke message I left! Thankyou everso much.
As the above Voice Comment option apparently isn't very popular for some reason, I think I've found something a little more tempting. Do you fancy leaving me a Video Comment? In case you do, you now can by using the following option, hurrah! When you're happy with the result, you're given a code to copy and paste as a comment below.
Thanks everso much in anticip-ip-ip-ipation!
Lub ya, see ya!
Music:
My profile's primary theme tunes were Queen's "I'm Going Slightly Mad" followed by Napoleon XIV's "They're Coming To Take Me Away", but they've since dropped down the following default list in favour of what you're probably hearing now....
but I still have the relevant video clip:
(Q: Do you know Brian May?
A: No, but thanks for the tip.
Ha-ha, sorry, but the old ones still make me laugh.)
I know it's not what MySpace means by "Music", but on a personal level, I'm at last learning to play the electric guitar properly - my teacher ( ) has worked with Iron Maiden and Queen among others, how cool's that? He's putting me in for my exams, but I sha'n't be satisfied until Coldplay ask me to jam with them.
I like a wide range of music, some of my favourites (old and new, but mostly old as they're more nostalgic) are included in the following list of 200 tracks (which plays for over fourteen hours if you let it). They aren't on auto-start so, if you see something you'd like to hear, simply click on it for autoplay to commence (or click left/right for the next track up or down).
If either of the above boxes isn't showing a list of tracks, please refresh the page.
I hope you manage to find something you like among them. At enormous expense to my sanity, I have listed them in alphabetical order of title (A to L in thefirst block and M to Z in the second) - I decided against using the artist's name as there are several tracks by some and I wanted them to be ungrouped.If you click the "STANDALONE" option, a new screen opens so you can continue listening to the music whilst you move on from this profile - if you must!
STOP PRESS!!! And here are another hundred that were missed off the above "MP3 players" (so much music and so little time to hear it):
Movies:
White & Nerdy - "Weird Al" Yankovic
Just a typical day in my life really.
If you enjoy Weird Al, here's another:
"Weird Al" Yankovic's epic 11-minute long parody of R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet" - from his latest album "Straight Outta Lynwood". Video animated and directed by Doug Bresler.
How to be bare in public and retain your street cred. (Bear - get it? Ha-ha!)
What a smoothie - neater footwork than Michael Jackson's Moonwalk.
The Hardest Part - Coldplay
You see that woman in the Coldplay video?
That's you, that is!
moby - porcelain
This was the start of my admiration for the owner of Teany.
And now for something completely different! This really is serious, actually - and it works!
Go on - learn the ultimate secret to obtaining all that you desire!
Whilst being serious for a minute, herewith follows the trailer for "Soldier Blue". Watching this film as a naive 16 year old was a very grounding experience for me and ended my enjoyment of the "good old Cowboy & Indian film" format.
And if you still think there's an argument for invading countries and killing the natives of that country, watch the next extract from the film.
"Soldier Blue" (1970) The Massacre.
Isn't it amazing how, after more than a century of supposed further evolution, there are still animals like Bush and Mugabe - and what's even more amazing is that despite the voting public not wanting them, we still let them take power and govern with primitive evil.
Television:
Now for a brief intermission along the lines of the Aero advertisement:
A bit gruesome, isn't it - but don't worry, she's not a real person.
Great graphics though - a credit to the creator, whoever he/she is.
By the way, if she gets stuck, you can pull her free with your cursor.
Whilst on the subject of adverts, how about the following (featuring yours truly):
I wish I'd seen this before it was finalised or I would have requested a re-take, lol.
(If you'd like to see more of my efforts, there are half a dozen uploaded to "My Videos".)
Books:
If you have time to spare, this is quite interesting...
I bet there was at least one fact there that you didn't know before. My favourite is the fact about England - how the mighty have fallen, but then, any country would become a third world state if they were led by Tony Blair and his comrades.
Heroes:
The Monty Python Team - some sketches from the TV series possibly seem a little dated nowadays, but during my student era, you weren't anybody if youcouldn't recite the "Dead Parrot" sketch word-for-word (I deliberately didn't use the expression "parrot-fashion", oh bugger, I just said it!) and Heavenhelp you if you failed to quote the "Nudge-nudge" sketch at least a dozen times a night! I remember how ashamed I felt on the occasion I went home oneholiday, wearing my bloth bap with my bolour supplement in hand (at that time I couldn't say the letter "B" - it wasn't until later that I realised I coulduse a "K" instead of a "B" so that King's Bollege Bambridge became King's Kollege Kambridge - wasn't I a silly bunt) and discovered my father wasn't in facta hamster and my mother didn't smell of elderberries - but that only happened once, so I came through it without too much scarring.
Alex Harvey - a musician who was years ahead of his time - his concept albums have been described as rivalling even The Beatles' and The RollingStones' albums for richness of texture - some of his tracks were banned from the radio along with the likes of "Je t'aime", Donna Summer and FGTH, so hedidn't get the airplay that he would nowadays. If he hadn't died 25 years ago, but instead had continued to influence the world of music, there's no tellingwhat direction it might be taking today. The following video was recorded live on the Beeb's "The Old Grey Whistle Test" thirty-odd years ago in the day'swhen our village vicar's son (Richard Williams) hosted the programme - see what you think....
(For an online tribute to Alex, click here .)
The Sensational Alex Harvey Band (the identical, original four from 1972 when Alex formed The SAHB) regrouped several times after Alex died, but it wasn'tuntil "Mad" Max Maxwell (formerly of the Shamen) joined them in 2004 as lead singer for (what was intended to be) their "absolutely final" tour, that theyrediscovered the success and following they had enjoyed all those years before. A DVD of the last gig in their recent 2006 tour is anticipated later thisyear, ye-hay.
The "Not The Nine O'Clock News" Team comprising Pamela Stephenson, Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones. They followed on from Monty Python andpaved the way for Wood & Walters, French & Saunders, Mayall & Edmondson and Fry & Laurie, etc., etc. Here are some examples of their work, as funny today asthey were almost thirty years ago:
My number plate! For the last dozen years or more it's given me a flash reputation I wouldn't otherwise warrant. Wherever I've travelled around thecountry, there's always been someone who's let me know they know my name. It's not that I'm really that sad, but it's been a marvellous marketing tool formy business. Having had my enjoyment out of it (and having realised how much it's worth, lol) I put it on the market a few months ago, but now I'm going tobe emigrating, I need to sell it before I leave as it can only be assigned to a vehicle registered in the UK.
Maggie Thatcher - in my opinion the best man we've had in Number 10 during my lifetime (I wasn't born when Winnie was around, despite what peoplesay). If wimpy-pimpy John Major hadn't done the dirty on her, England would still be a world-leader instead of the insignificant state or Europe it is today- with additional thanks to the much-hated, lying, cheating, hypocritical multi-millionaire socialist leader Tony Blair (and his equally two-faced wife),one of the luckiest politicians of all time - who wrecked the country he ripped off and then passed the buck to the friend and colleague he stabbed in theback. I hope history will record how honourable Gordon Brown really has been and how he was stitched up to take the blame for everything Blair put inmotion. Talking of which, how come the English have given homerule to Ireland, Scotland and Wales, yet allow those countries' politicians to also sit inParliament and decide how much England pays them? And another thing, why are we the only EU member that observes the rules? We're the joke of the world -fathers of ten or more children get a job over here and our government then sends child allowance to his family "back home" - or what about the immigrantswho never work, but get free health and other benefits? If only we still had Maggie, the last of the politicians who cared more for her country than herrewards.
