drunk on tampons! - ProfilesArchive

About Me

i enjoy turning enemies into friends and vice versa. i use a shoehorn. when i die i want engraved upon my tombstone, in cursive, "shit happens when you party naked." i've been curious to the point of voyeurism. i can smell rather bad at times but i can't stop being obsessed with my own body odor. or yours too for that matter. i strive to be a fly on the wall. a fly that fucks with everybody. i wanna clone howard cosell and have him comment on my every action. i wanna feed the entire world, preferably in one long buffet line so i could see their faces. then i wanna photograph them when they eat. i wanna kiss anybody with a pulse. i'll only talk about sports to someone that i know hates sports. when i hit you, don't take it personally. i only do it because i'm in love with you. what else would you like to know? my life's an open book, except for the many secrets i'm very good at keeping.

My Interests

i fuck up billboards.

I'd like to meet:

loose men in tight pants...or tight women with loose morals.

Music:

I'D RATHER BE JUDGED BY WHAT I HATE: james taylor, elton john, tlc, linkin park , santana, jefferson airplane, brian jonestown massacre, creed, ben folds, tori amos, master p, any artist that tried to make a comeback after checking into rehab, puff daddy, jimmy buffett, missy elliot, eric clapton. double fuck eric clapton. actually, if i could rest at night knowing that eric clapton and tom waits chokefucked each other in a tragic sixty-nine gone wrong, this crazy world would certainly be a better place

Movies:

that remake of "rear window" that starred christopher reeves(as a cripple of course). any "celebrity as retard" movie (profoundly normal, rain man, i am sam, the other sister, riding the bus with my sister, what's eating gilbert grape, mask, man on the moon, pee wee's big adventure, chatterbox, citizen kane...).

Television:

...you mean,"FAGGOT BOX?"

Books:

geek love in the time of cholera, as i lay in the rye, the kid stays in the sound and the fury, confessions of a dangerous old man and the sea, the ugly american psycho, our band could be your giving tree, a confederacy of ham on rye, bridget jones' diary of anne frank,and "the encyclopedia of unusual sex practices" by Brenda Love.

Heroes:

so there was this girl i met at a party a few years back. we were in the kitchen, having some nice conversation until some frat boy barged in looking for free beer and trying to put the mack on her. as he yammered away, she calmly put her hand down her pants, wiped her juices on his face, then turned back to me and continued the conversation. fucking incredible.