Now, its not a well-known fact, but John Madden was born from a one-night love entanglement between Uncle Jesse and Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman's invisible condom turned out to be no condom at all, and a super-being was spawned that night in that Motel Six in Detriot. Johnathon Madden.
After three years of college, John, then age nine, joined the Marine Corp and fought in World War I & II, Vietnam, in which he fought for six different countries and totaled a confirmed kill count of over twelve thousand, including three thousand asian infants.
After the war, John retired to his home in San Jose where he met his lifetime friend, Paul McCartney. John and Paul would gather in Paul's basement for nights on end and plunk on their keyboards. They wrote many songs, including "Hey Jude," and "Strawberry Fields Forever," but nothing really came of their late night music sessions. John and Paul parted ways after an epic laser battle over London.
After destroying Paul McCartney in epic fashion, John Madden turned to a life of crime, pilaging small cities with his army of tyrants and barbarians. John Madden was apprehended years later, under the assumed identity "William 'Billy' Joel," and eventually served time in a California Pentitentary for crimes including bestiality, necrophilia, indecent exposure, making terrorist threats, and soliciting to minors.
John broke out of the prison weeks after being imprisoned be concoting a home-made explosive comprimised of a shoe box, some duct tape, and whole lot of love. John Madden now lives outside the law, roaming from town to town, impregnating any underage girl he comes in contact with and drinking his fill of his drink of choice - cheap scotch.
