FEAR does not exist in this dojo, does it. NO SENSEI! PAIN does not exist in this dojo, does it. NO SENSEI! DEFEAT does not exist in this dojo, does it. NO SENSEI! We study the way of the fist here. Strike First, Strike Hard. Show no mercy. We do not train to be merciful here, mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you in the street he is your enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM MR. LAWRENCE!!!
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I imagine that during the early 80s, being a blonde, rich teenager living in California was kind of a tall order. Sure, you had the world (or your high school, at least) by the balls, but you also had all kinds of responsibilities that none of the other kids had. Life wasn't just about laying around and being cool -- that was for the people on Dallas to do, not the rich punks in California. If you were an elitest kid living in SoCal in the 80s, you had some work to do.Now I know what most of you are thinking. But you weren't a teenager in the early 80s, and you didn't grow up in Southern California, so what the fuck do you know about it? This is all true. I did not grow up in California, nor was a teenager during the time we call the 80s, and while I've been extremely fortunate throughout my life, I was not what one would call "rich." So how do I know how hard life was for Arian pretty boys from the valley? Easy. I've got factual documentation of the era, in the form of the time honored classic The Karate Kid.For years people have considered The Karate Kid to be the story of some scrawny kid from Jersey who is forced to move out to California and gets harassed by the local kids for being different. Those people are just sorely mistaken. Oh sure, I guess you could look at it that way, but if you ask me, the flick is all about the struggles of the overpriveleged and underwritten spoiled and beautiful youth of Southern California, who are really just trying to protect their lifestyle. Think about it. Life was no walk in the park for these guys; they had responsibilities. Like what? Like...monitoring the beach, for instance.In an early scene from The Karate Kid, the wealthy kids all gather at a local beach hideaway for some sand soccer, a bonfire, and a chance to dance the night away. But what allows them this chance, eh? Who makes their sunny afternoon possible by protecting their interests? How are they able to live so carefree and happy? Why is this beach theirs and no one else's? Because they've got people looking out for them, making sure that no "outlanders" spoil the beach activities for everyone. Who are these mysterious saviors on expensive motorcycles and sporting designer red leather jackets? We'll get to that in a minute, but first there's more work to talk about. Beach duty isn't the only thing our rich entourage has to endure.Thinking of taking your valley girl out for a date at the local Golf-N-Stuff arcade to spend some of your parents' money? You should consider yourself fortunate, then, that you've got a fearless gang of protectors watching over the place from their comfortable and expensive convertibles, making sure their are no unwanted visitors crossing into the territory. Just imagine what would happen to the place if any of those city kids showed up there and no one was around to assault them! There would be chaos! Anarchy! Kids with bad haircuts! Not in this suburb, buddy.It's Halloween Night, do you know where your kids are? If they're in the valley, you need not worry about them running into any of those dirty teenagers from the East Side. The rich-kid protection agency is out in full-force on Halloween, recognizable by their cleverly matched costumes! Are you a damsel in distress? No need to go screaming into the night looking for one of them -- trust me, they'll find you, and gladly beat the shit out of anyone you'd like them to (so long as you promise them a little somethin' somethin' for their troubles.Yes, it's a tough world in plush Southern California, circa 1984, but it's nothing these boys can't handle. Our testosterone-seething squad is on patrol, ready to strike. Why?
'Cause They're The Cobra Kai!A hero is only as good as the villain he fights. Luke would just be a pansy farm boy with a penchant for incest without Darth Vader chasing his heels at every corner. The kids from The Breakfast Club would just be a bunch of self-analytical misfits without the evil principal Vernon to rally their forces together. He-Man would just be a playboy hanging around Castle Greyskull and getting mental massages from the Sorceress if Skeletor wasn't always trying to take over (and fucking up right and left). This precedent is extremely vital to the success of The Karate Kid, for without the bad boys of the Cobra Kai dojo, the movie would just be Ralph Macchio walking around with that stupid New Jersey accent, washing cars and painting houses. The antagonistic rich blondies from the valley are what give the movie its punch (and kick, and counter-punch, and spinning heel kick, and....well, you get it).In fact, I'm going to take this a step further and say that while the movie obviously wouldn't succeed without villains, I don't think it would succeed without these villains. Whoever cast this movie deserves a weekend in Hawaii with grass-skirted girls dancing on their bed and Don Ho singing in the shower, because these guys are perfect. Let's go in for a closer look, and maybe you'll see what I mean.Daniel's primary foe from the start of the movie, his evil rival both for the affections of Elizabeth Shue and for sheer survival in this suburban wonderland, is Johnny, a picture-perfect pretty boy asshole. Everybody had a Johnny at some point in their life -- he's the guy who hates you for reasons beyond your control or comprehension and who always seems to show up at the absolute worst possible times. Being a teenager can sometimes seem like it's the end of the world, and most of the blame for that can be attributed to a "Johnny" character. Johnny is also the direct opposite of Daniel in every possible way: he's popular, Daniel is not; he's rich, Daniel is not; he has a car, Daniel has a bike; Elizabeth Shue's parents love Johnny, but they hate Daniel; most importantly of all, Johnny is hardass, Daniel is a wussy. All of this is conveyed so perfectly by William Zebka in the role of Johnny that even after The Karate Kid was last summer's news, Zebka was still considered by the populace at large to be a big preppy asshole (he played the same role, minus the karate shit, in Just One Of The Guys).Johnny is not at the top of the pyramid, however. That spot belongs to the psychotic John Kreese, sensei of the Cobra Kai and all-around dislikable individual. Kreese is introduced in the movie to counteract Mr. Miyagi -- again, direct opposites. Interestingly, we find out later on in the series that Kreese is not at the top of the totem pole as we had thought, but actually takes orders from some other militant freako who shows up in Karate Kid III. But never the less, Kreese is the supreme baddy, and performs that function with expertise. Never have the words "Sweep the leg" been so chilling...But Kreese and Johnny are just the top of the gang -- there's a whole army of amusing underlings beneath them that keep the Cobra Kai running like a well-oiled machine, and this post wouldn't be complete without spending a little time on them, especially since their contributions are among the numerous little charms of The Karate Kid. For instance, Dutch.Dutch is a fucking riot. He's sorta Johnny's righthand man -- it goes from God, to Kreese, to Johnny, to Dutch, to the cleaners. Since Johnny is kind of the king of his suburban landscape, he's got a lot of top-priority duties that don't allow him to spend all of his time harassing Daniel and the other low-lifes hiding out in the valley, so he sometimes leaves that task to Dutch. In fact, I'd say Dutch is probably the most intimidating of the Cobra Kai boys because he's got those little eyes...and he uses them to his advantage a lot in The Karate Kid, constantly staring Daniel down like a true preppy hardass. In fact, staring is about the only thing Dutch does in the movie.Just look at him...ooooh, scary. Dutch reminds me of every over-aggressive moron I've ever met in my life (and I went to an all-guys high school, so I've met plenty of them), and he does it without even raising a finger on Daniel. In fact, when he does finally face off against Daniel, he loses his mystique (granted, that's sorta the idea). Like all members of his kind, he's only good for appearances. Once you get down to brass tacks (who the fuck ever came up with that expression, anyway?), he doesn't quite cut the mustard (and that...I'm not even sure that is an expression). Anyway, let's keep it moving.Ahh yes, Bobby, the Good Samaritan. In big oppressive groups, there's always a dissenter; someone who doesn't agree with what the leader is doing, or why he's doing it. In real life there would likely be more than one person who had a bit of an issue with the fact that seemingly every male in the neighborhood was taking their cues from a nutzoid ex-Marine, but in movie-life there can really be only one. In The Karate Kid, that one is Bobby. Bobby starts off the film comfortably in the shadow of Johnny, but soon begins to realize that maybe Daniel isn't so bad...of course, the movie never really explains why he comes to this conclusion. I mean, it's not like he found out that he and Daniel were secretly switched at birth or something. He just wakes up one day (around the time Daniel gets his ass kicked on Halloween, I think) and says to himself, "Bobby, this Daniel kid doesn't deserve all this shit. Some of it, sure, but not all of it." Nevertheless, he's still too weak-willed to really do anything about it other than go, "Johnny, he's had enough!" In the final tournament sequence, it is Bobby who grudgingly follows sensei's orders to take out Daniel's leg so that he can't compete against Johnny in the final round. He makes up for it, though, by dropping immediately to the mat and giving a heart-felt apology for completely wiping out any believable chance Daniel had of winning the tournament after spending months and months preparing for it. Way to go, Bobby. You show them Cobra Kais.Tommy. The least of all the Cobra Kai boys, he's only in the movie to make faces and laugh like a fucking hyena. I mention him, however, because he has one really great line towards the end of the movie where he says " YEAH, Get him a BODY BAG!!!! The he laughs like that Hyena.
So those are the boys of the Cobra Kai; learn them, know them, LOVE THEM!
