KRYSTA profile picture

KRYSTA

Jesus loves me... sexually.

About Me

If the devil was Jack Black and the witches of Eastwick were Marilyn Monroe, Janis Joplin and Tori Amos, and they all lived together like a happy Mormon family who were able to magically mix all their eggs and seeds together to produce one delightful, female love child... that child would be me.

Illustration by Jay McAlpine

My Interests

Music, comedy, dancing, movies, making out, astrology, exercise, roller blading, pin-up art and divine feminine creatures of all kinds (Bettie, Marilyn, fairies, mermaids, goddesses, strippers, etc.), photography, marijuana, BOO (and other chill dogs), heated but intelligent debates or discussions, roving packs of girls, and LOVE. In whatever I'm doing, music and mischief are always involved. That's why it's always so magical...

I'd like to meet:

I love all kinds of different people, so I think it's easier to start with who I DON'T want to meet. Perhaps this will narrow down who contacts me here and I will hear from all the others.
I'd like NOT to meet:
HATERS.
WHINERS.
MORONS WHO SPELL WITH NUMBERS.
SWINGERS AND COUPLES WANTING A 3-WAY.
STALKERS AND LOSERS WHO CREATE FAKE PROFILES.
MEAN, RUDE, INSECURE OR DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES.
GUYS WHO PUT PHOTOS OF THEIR CROTCHES ON DEFAULT.
ANYONE WHO LIKES ME SOLELY BECAUSE OF MY HUGE RACK AND/OR ASS.
UPTIGHT, CONSERVATIVE TYPES WHO LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THOSE WITHOUT A CREATIVE OR ARTISTIC BONE IN THEIR BODIES.
FOLKS WHO THINK WE HAVE AN AWESOME PRESIDENT OR THAT PARIS HILTON IS THE COOLEST CHICK EVER.
MISOGYNISTIC FUCKHEADS WHO FREAK OUT AND BECOME SNIDE AND INSULTING IF I DON'T RESPOND TO THEM INSTANTLY, EXACTLY THE WAY THEY HOPE OR EXPECT ME TO, OR AT ALL.
If you are nowhere on this list, then I'd like to meet YOU.

Music:

I am a songwriter, vocalist and recording artist, and I also play djembe and other hand percussion as well as some keys and guitar. I am currently partner in the fabulous fem musical comedy duo TITS n GIGGLES and former leader of the all girl pop/rock band Goddess Freak Ensemble- profiles for those acts are the first two in my top friends. I also play/sing back-up for the lesbian rock star queen of Long Beach- CORDAY. Yes, I understood the question, and I can listen to anything GOOD in any genre. ;) ALL TIME FAVORITES: Ainjel Emme, Breech, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Blondie, Prince, NIN, Rage Against the Machine, George Michael, Tori Amos, No Doubt, Massive Attack, Delerium, Gorillaz, Lords of Acid, Puscifer and just about everything from the 80's.

Movies:

The only ones you might recognize me and hear me speak in are Man on the Moon (the Andy Kauffman story) with Jim Carey, and Apartment 12- an old indie film with Mark Ruffalo- now available on video. Yes, I understood this question too, and I LOVE me some movies!!! ALL TIME FAVORITES: Heartbreakers like Moulin Rouge and Shakespeare in Love. All the romantic comedies with any combination of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Will Farrell, Owen/Luke Wilson -you know the crew- Dodgeball, Anchorman, Meet the Fockers, Wedding Crashers, etc.. Also love anything Tim Burton and animated films like Corpse Bride, The Incredibles, Finding Nemo, Shrek 2, Monsters Inc.. Don't want to leave out Team America- Fuck yeah! New favorite is BLACK SNAKE MOAN. Not into Sci-Fi, but X-Men and the original Star Wars trilogy are classics.

Television:

SUCKS. If it’s not on cable, it’s not worth watching. ALL TIME FAVORITES: Comedy Central, Court TV, HBO and SHO. I love stand-up comedy, Psychic Detectives, Forensic Files, HBO/Showtime original programming and MOVIES.

Books:

Unfortunately, I am illiterate- but am currently enrolled at Derek Zoolander’s center for kids who can’t read good and wanna do other stuff good too. I keep a few books on my coffee table with big, pretty pictures tho. ALL TIME FAVORITES: LA Weekly, Cosmo, Playboy, Green Eggs and Ham.

Heroes:

Wonder Woman. And my girlfriends and sisters, of course.

My Blog

So many women, so little time.

She had those apple bottom jeans, boots with the furThe whole club was looking at herShe hit the floor (she hit the floor)Next thing you know, shauty got low low low low low low low low!This was our i...
Posted by KRYSTA on Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:54:00 PST

In Loving Memory...

Many of you want to know why I am so sad and what happened, so I wanted to briefly explain.Before Shannon met her husband Anthony (whom she has since moved in with and married), she was my roommate fo...
Posted by KRYSTA on Wed, 28 Nov 2007 01:45:00 PST

The Creepy Barbie Doll Stalker

First of all, I want to thank you and tell you how heartwarming it is to have received so many messages, comments and offers to hurt or kill my stalker. It's nice to know I have so many loving friend...
Posted by KRYSTA on Sun, 14 Oct 2007 03:44:00 PST

Its all good.

I have recently had a surge in responses to my last blog for some reason, so I thought it time to write another. I am short on both time and sleep, so I'll keep it short (always a huge challenge for ...
Posted by KRYSTA on Wed, 22 Aug 2007 03:05:00 PST

Fucking Mercury!

"I AM IN A GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION!!!!!" -Ron Burgandy Mercury is once again in retrograde and this time in CANCER. Ugh. While everyone around me is experiencing the usual difficulties in communica...
Posted by KRYSTA on Mon, 25 Jun 2007 06:48:00 PST

Mermaids and Honey

Hi friends and family.Just wanted to let you know that I haven't had time at all to check my messages, email pictures or return any correspondence all day yesterday and won't be able to today either. ...
Posted by KRYSTA on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 04:10:00 PST

Who wants to help me design this tattoo?

My tattoo artist contacted me recently to remind me that it's about time for some new ink. I do believe he is right. I love getting and having tattoos, but also like the look of bare skin and don't ...
Posted by KRYSTA on Thu, 15 Mar 2007 12:17:00 PST

Tits & Giggles on National Lampoon Comedy Radio!!!

That's right, my beautiful and talented partner in crime, Ainjel (Giggles) and I went in to the official National Lampoon Comedy Radio studio last Friday and recorded SIX songs live for them to play i...
Posted by KRYSTA on Sun, 14 Jan 2007 02:30:00 PST

Winter Solstice

Hard to categorize a Winter Solstice holiday celebration since there are so many different elements to it. It could be Friends, it could be Hopes, Dreams, Goals, Parties and Nightlife- and it is all...
Posted by KRYSTA on Fri, 22 Dec 2006 02:11:00 PST

What's New

Our Tits & Giggles performance last night at the Viper Room Acoustic Lounge was a very interesting experience.  It was a really late show, so we didn't have our usual crowd of screaming fans,...
Posted by KRYSTA on Tue, 05 Dec 2006 07:59:00 PST