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Nutsnack is simply the product of poor breeding and even poorer
decision-making. A five-piece from Wichita, they lend much support to the
theory that form follows function, or rather deformities follow
dysfunction.
Initially a joke, Nutsnack decided in early 2002 that lives as
mediocre musicians sounded more pleasing than 35 years of farting around in office jobs (Please note that they have nothing against farting per
se.).
The band is fronted by Cap'n Crotch, an enigma and modern-day
apostle. The once promising National Merit Scholar and college grad has
recently underachieved in every facet of life. His only redeeming quality
is the ability to write sophomoric rhymes (However, he cannot sing them
very well.). His name derives from a terrible childhood accident. At
the age of five, the Cap'n was badly burned in a tragic Lite-Brite
fire. Months and months of skin grafts transformed his body into 96.7
percent crotch.
Adding a sense of style and alcoholism to the band is guitarist Potty
Mouf. Born a poor Vietnamese refugee, Potty eventually became a middle
class white kid. His Girardo-like riconess and suavity draw many
attractive young women to Nutsnack shows. Unfortunately they are usually
frightened away by Cap'n Crotch's promises of "lovely flowers and golden
showers."
The man behind the pots and pans is Chesticles, a cross-dressing
she-man from deep in the Congo. Cap'n and Potty discovered him during
their infamous Where's All the Crackaz? African Tour 2004. After months of
shock therapy and a good de-lousing, Chesticles became the scabie-free
rock god that he is today.
Additional guitar and keyboard are provided by the uber-flamboyant
Mr. Bagg. A longtime understudy for Roy Horn, Mr. Bagg was relieved of
his duties after Roy was viciously mauled by one of his tigers. After
he was cleared of any wrongdoing, he decided to join the second gayest
entertainment act in the country.
The boom in the room is supplied by a fellow named Tony Dangelow. T
Dangles, as he is sometimes called, was forced to join Nutsnack as a
condition of his political asylum. A high-ranking member of the Laotian
Bull Moose Party, he was exiled after it was discovered that he put the
"bop" in the "bop shoo wop wop."
And there you have it...Nutsnack: Providing scatalogical rock to the
needy for over three decades.
