I'm a bit of a mess. I'm a reckless ex-activist girl. Vegan, but not self-righteous and far from straightedge. I smoke, I drink and I drug a little. I can get all dolled up to go out and I can crash in the park for days with homeless friends. I've got a few piercings; septum, labret, navel and nipples. I'm generally up for anything. I think morals are silly, but I find myself clinging to a few so I can justify my anger. I'm still trying to find the ambition and direction I had before I graduated high school, but in the meantime I keep busy by making a huge mess of my life. What have I got to lose?
I'm not a sweet girl. Well, that's not true. If you're looking for sweet-as-pie sweet, look elsewhere. I'm sweet like an Adderall drip. When I go out, I drink more than I should and wear less than I should. I think German is sexier than French or Italian. I don't live with my parents and I went from working in a porn shop to doing porn, so I don't tone down. It's hard for me to have a normal conversation without getting into some gross sex story. I actually can pull off the mature, responsible act for job interviews and family gatherings and whatnot. I'm articulate and thoughtful enough to relax (read: fool) parents, despite my appearance.
Yes, I did say I do porn. That doesn't mean I'll sleep with you. That also doesn't mean I'm a desperate whore. I don't do anything for money that I'd be horribly opposed to doing for free. I do it because I love sex. I do it because I feel like a whore getting $7.00 an hour to wait on irate assholes with a million coupons and no reading comprehension skills while their ten kids tear apart everything in sight. So many people insist that women should be using their minds to make money and not their bodies, but I've been told I was smart all my life. I'm confident in my mental ability. Body image is something I struggled with for a long time. No matter how smart you are, you're stuck in your body. If you're unhappy with it, it carries over into everything you do. I go for opportunities if they'll help me to grow as a person, regardless of what other people think. I've learned that the people who are really important in life are the people who can understand the things that are important to you, or at least respect your choices and support you in your efforts because they know how much it means to you.
Oddly enough, I'm really shy in certain situations, and people tend to assume I'm just stuck up because it's so random. I'm terrible at expressing emotions, but when I do, I'm logical and rational about it. If I can't say it, I don't expect anyone to get it. I don't do the passive-aggressive thing, and I don't have time for it. I'm sick of people who are emotionally reckless. If you can't deal with your problem, don't take it out on people who have nothing to do with it. Be direct and honest if it's something someone needs to know. If someone upsets you, let them know or suck it up.
Hmmm, well now I feel I need to end this section with something more positive, so I'll tell you some things you might not expect. I really like kittens. I secretly like to cuddle, though I'll rarely initiate or ask for any kind of affection. I still sleep with stuffed animals. There are usually at least two teddy bears in my bed (sitting amongst all my sex toys). I tend to be shy around most girls. I'm very aware of the fact that I don't think like a typical girl, and for some reason it takes me a while to get comfortable with them. They just make me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I love gardening and fresh vegetables. I also love to cook, and I'm really good at it...though that's my only domestic skill.
Oh, and you can see me naked here:
