My friends call me Chris, you can call me Sir

About Me

I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn-it, people like me.

I won a dry t-shirt contest.

When I go bowling, I put a fake tattoo of Thor on my left biceps and refer to my arm as "The Hammer".

I stopped zombie 2-Pac from releasing another album from beyond the grave.

I did the voice for Sleezy Bear on the Care Bears.

Even though my awesomeness knows no bounds, I'm still kind to old people, children, and transvestite blow up dolls.

If you give me a quarter, I'll let you touch my boobies. Seriously.

I've been told that I'd look really good on a postage stamp.

I have a posse.

Had Charles Darwin known about me, his saying, "The survival of the fittest," would have changed to, "We're all screwed in the presence of that guy." That guy is me....ass.

I play T-ball against children for money and win all the time.

All your base are belong to us.

I like to totally flip out and stab entire towns.

I have one of those blogs that I update from time to time. If you're not reading it, you are missing out on one of the most important literary works in history. Impress your friends by pointing your browser to:

http://journals.aol.com/bacardibatguy/Thelifeandtimesofanave ragenobody/
I had a hyperlink but Myspace stripped it out. Jerks.

My Interests

Beer. Starting fires. Drinking. Pool. Poker. Touching myself inappropriately. Duct tape. Wine. Setting up a false religion with me as the head deity. Ninjas. Pirates. Dance Dance Revolution. Cigars. Smoking jackets. Tea time. Viking funerals. Guitar Hero. Good eats. Bad movies. Block rockin' beats. My hot smoky meat. Hibrow conversations. Lowbrow conversations. Tales too ticklish to tell. Typos. Mastication. Haikus.

I'd like to meet:

I think there's a "Your Mom" joke in here somewhere...

Music:

Cake, Pixies, U2, OAR, K's Choice, Poe, Portishead, Nick Cave, Weezer, Everclear, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, Refreshments, Garbage, Dropkick Murphy's, Allister, Flogging Molly, Green Day, Johnny Cash, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, POTUSA, Everlast

Movies:

Boondock Saints, Shawshank Redemption, The Crow, LA Story, Casablanca, True Romance, So I Married and Ax Murderer, Nightmare before Christmas, O' Brother where art thou?, Underworld, The Punisher, Big Fish, The Big Lebowski, Raising Arizona, Citizen Kane, Grosse Point Blank, War of the Roses, Platoon, Legend, Silence of the Lambs.

Television:

Television is pretty much evil. I do enjoy Food TV, CNN, Cartoon Network, The Discovery Channel, Scrubs, and My Name is Earl.

Books:

The Stand, Fight Club, High Fidelity, The Princess Bride, Shogun, Aztec, LOTR, The Joy of Cooking, The Sin City Graphic Novels, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, The Giving Tree, Phantom of the Opera, Dracula, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Choke, Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates

Heroes:

Robert Hamburger, Tucker Max, Elvis, Scrooge McDuck, and John Elway.