About Me
Behind the Music Biography:Twenty years ago, in the late 1980s, two brothers—one white and one brown—decided to start a band. Penniless, with practically no support from friends or family, the two brothers put their band on hold, focusing the majority of their early years on annoying bugs and terrorizing Mrs. Daniels, the sweet, old widow that lived across the street. Although Mrs. Daniels was generally known to be one of the sweetest old ladies in the neighborhood, the Vitelloni brothers—as they would later be known—resented Mrs. Daniels’ frequent attempts to ‘turn the children onto’ Lawrence Welk, Joan Baez, and Milli Vanilli. The Vitelloni brothers tolerated this at first, but when Mrs. Daniels lovingly gave Jaime, the elder of the Vitelloni brothers, a cassette of Gerardo’s Rico Suave for his seventh birthday, the brothers declared war, vowing to turn the precious last few years of Mrs. Daniels’ life into a living hell. Unfortunately the boys’ plan worked far too well, as the brothers were later implicated in inducing the massive heart attack that ended Mrs. Daniels life, the result of their surreptitious replacement of Daniels’ Glen Miller records with records by the Sex Pistols and the Dead Kennedys. Thus, the boys were torn from their parents and sent to a juvenile delinquent center.Vowing never to forgive ‘the old bag for croaking,’ as Marco, the younger Vitelloni, was frequently quoted as saying, the brothers focused their attention on surviving the rough world of juvie by running a highly successful trade of illicit goods, involving baseball cards, pogs, and cocaine, amongst other nefarious items. Amassing a fortune of 8,472 packs of candy cigarettes, the brothers made the best of the situation, bribing guards and inmates for the acquisition of pornographic magazines, extra desserts, and bootleg VHS tapes of Charles in Charge. Ultimately becoming highly skilled in various criminal rackets, the boys were released nine years later, just in time for enrollment in high school. Although the brothers eventually graduated, they ignored their studies, focusing most of their time on girls, hustling, and prank calls to the local old folks home. Upon graduation, the brothers separated, with Jaime joining the coast guard, and with Marco hitchhiking across the nation in search of his hero: Scott Baio.After sixteen months at sea, Jaime was kicked out of the coast guard for lewd conduct, the result of a well drawn out joke involving George Bush, Paul Ruebens, and Jaime’s commanding officer. Meanwhile, after the decision for the plaintiff in the stalking case of Baio v. Alvarez, Marco disappeared, eventually turning up three years later in an Edinburgh mental institution, where he claimed he was the reincarnation of Marcello Mastroianni. Discovering Marco to be an American, the Scottish doctors immediately contacted authorities, and Marco was deported from the United Kingdom. By chance, the Vitelloni brothers were reunited in a Santa Fe jail when both were coincidently arrested together in a sting operation focused on the illegal importation of pirated El Chavo dvds from Mexico. The charges were later dropped, and the brothers decided to once again focus on their childhood dream: starting a band. Acquiring their equipment through ‘questionable’ means, the boys began recording a debut album, enduring frequent interruptions resulting from their run-ins with the law. As of today, however, the Vitelloni brothers are happy to announce that they are no longer fugitives, with no outstanding warrants currently out for their arrest. Unfortunately, as of today, Vitelloni cannot tour outside of their home state until the official end of their two-year probation in late July. We will keep you updated. Just cross your fingers that they don't have to run from the police again.
