Beth Featherstone profile picture

Beth Featherstone

According to gross generalizations, the antidote to comedy lies in my vagina.

About Me

I do stand up and work all the time. Neither pay off. Clever adjectives and nouns go here. Sarcasm ending in an insecure question mark? Uncontrollable Laughter in the form of computer acronyms need not apply but I make a point to speak about it right here! References to 80's movies, cock-rock and pseudo political interests to be cool placed here [ ]. Ending phrase, probably something about the Book of Mormon...and scene.

My Interests

Music, robots, Dave Foley, David Cross, comic books (It's a GRAPHIC NOVEL!), rebuilding pianos, repairing pianos, playing pianos, making art with scraps from pianos, pianos, guitar, accordion, banjos, Gay rights, pro-abortion (I sell wire hangers for a REASON.), anti-cooperations, Okie Noodling, camping, telling stories about the sea, porn, porn, porn, porn, dead hookers, samsonite briefcases, red sweaters, short busses, car pooling, Kontra banned products, food that you can eat, fisting, donkey punching, Dirty Sanchez's, glass bottom boats, spedoinkaling, sun's that are as full as a baked potato, enormous genitals, religious debates, politics

I'd like to meet:

"Pop culture reference from Clash of the Titans!" "Obscure dictator from the 14th century to seem 'smart' but really I just looked it up on Wikipedia!"AND..."Another, more witty pop culture icon such as Tom Wopat but not that obvious!"

Music:

Animal Collective, Animals, Architecture in Helsinki, Aretha Franklin, Air, Arcade Fire, Andrew Bird, The Birthday Party, Bologna Ponies, Bedhead, Broken Social Scene, Belle and Sebastian, Bjork, Beastie Boys (old, pre inter-galactic bullshit), Beck, Bauhaus, Beatles, Blonde Redhead, Bunky, Caribou, Charles Mingus, Crooks and Nannies, Crispin Glover, Cibo Matto, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, Curtains, David Bowie, Detachment Kit, DeVotchka, De La Soul, Deerhoof, Del Tha Funky Homosapien, Dizzee Rascal, Django Reinhardt, Dr. Octagon, Devo, Ennio Morricone, Enon, Fugees, Freestyle Fellowship, Geneva, Gogol Bordello, Goldfrapp, The Grateful Dead, Handsome Boy Modeling School, Half Japanese, Heavy Trash, Iggy and the Stooges, Islands, Jacques Dutronc, Jefferson Airplane, Jeff Buckley, Joanna Newsom, Julia Vorontsova, Jurassic 5, June of 44, John Zorn, The Kinks, King of France, !!!, Lali Puna, Led Zeppelin, Leningrad, Les Savy Fav, Liars, Love, Manu Chao, M. Ward, Modest Mouse (pre-whatever the fuck is happening now), Mos Def, Mr. Bungle, Martian Horses, Miles Davis, Nancy Sinatra, Nick Drake, Nouvelle Vague, Ornette Coleman, Os Mutantes, Pavement, Peter Gabriel, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Prince (o{+), Pulp, Radiohead, Roy Orbison, The Rolling Stones, Rilo Kiley, Rudresh Mahanthappa, Saul Williams, Sigur Ros, Simon and Garfunkle, Stephen Malkmus, Swinging Addis, Talking Heads, Thievery Corporation, They Might Be Giants, They Shoot Horses Don't They?, Tom Waits, Tosca, Unicorns, The Ventures, Tober Omi, The Velvet Underground (& Nico), The Who, Yo La Tengo, Zombies,

Movies:

Flash Gordon, The Man Who Wasn't There, Raising Arizona, Adaptation, Cave Dwellers, Mitchell!, Manos: Hands of Fate, Goonies, Holy Mountain, Tuvalu, Hotel Splendid, Schizopolis, Labrynth, City of Lost Children, Performance, Breakin', Royal Tennenbaums, Rushmore, Wings of Desire, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe?, Lost in Translation, Take the Money and Run, Annie Hall, The Shape of Things, Your Friends and Neighbors, In the Company of Men, Happiness, Love Liza, Sir Lawrence of Arabia, Noi, The Green Butchers, Anything related to comic books (especially the original Fantastic Four movie from the late 80s. The Thing looked like a brownie and/or a turd. Awesome effects.), Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Baxter, Strangers With Candy the Movie, Indiana Jones trilogy, The Last Picture Show, The Seventh Sign, Au Resevoire Les Enfants, Time Bandits, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Miller's Crossing, Dead Man, Coffee and Cigarettes, 2001 blah blah, Dr. Strangelove, Cool as Ice, and China Town.

Television:


MySpace Layouts
Dog Bites Man, Comedians of Comedy, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Lucky Louie, Stella, Mr. Show, and anything...and I mean ANYTHING on the Trinity Broadcast Network.

Books:

Adam Eve and the Serpent - Elaine Pagels, How the Dead Live - Will Self, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer, Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris, Sock Monkey - Tony Millionaire, Webster's Dictionary - I'm on the letter G!, Milton Berle's Joke File (Over 10,000 of his best one liners, anecdotes and jokes) - Milton Berle c.1989 (He is a GENIUS. Man, what he can do with a zinger will get you pregnant!)

Heroes:


My Blog

THE MOVIE TRAILER!!!

You might have heard that Chris and Blair wrote a movie. You also might have heard that 2 famous people were in it. And then you might have heard that I dressed up the cast. You also might have kept ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Sat, 13 Oct 2007 09:15:00 PST

A Bionic Review about Women

Bionic Woman was LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.And, yeah...I mean, we all knew it was going to be. But WOW, was this like, really REALLY bad.**SPOILERS, KINDA...but...SPOILERS?**So, I'm all about ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Fri, 28 Sep 2007 06:10:00 PST

Bad Tattoos? Not Safe For Work!!!

I had to share some of these.Way to support fisting on your twat!  YOU are the champ.  YOU ARE.See guys?  White Supremecy is totally sexy!As disgusting as this is, I bet this guy makes ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Sat, 07 Jul 2007 12:09:00 PST

How many also's did you count?

I'm gonna blog your dick until you cum.  I just blogged all over your shirt, sorry.Do you think it's wrong to blog another man?Does blogging another man make me gay?We blogged up against two elep...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Tue, 03 Jul 2007 03:39:00 PST

Please read this.

I'm just going to clear the air in the hopes that I don't see these retarded bulletins any more.  If I keep seeing them (whether we're friends or not) I am deleting you from my page.  OOOH!&...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Thu, 12 Apr 2007 03:17:00 PST

"Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands...

...we're Lamda Lamda Lamda and...Omega Moo!" -Man on the mic, that's me Lamar.  Revenge auf der NerdenSo...isn't it good for you to eat moldy bread every once in a while?  I ask this because...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 09:39:00 PST

Who's getting married?

I AM!!!!I bought this for myself.  I mean, I'm not even dating anyone right now.  Is that weird?(I love Chris.)  Hey, Chris...if you're reading this (you aren't) I love you and you've m...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Sun, 18 Feb 2007 12:22:00 PST

Sweet Bliss and Fudge Dragons.

You know, there's nothing quite like waking up to a gorgeous day feeling refreshed and clean, putting on the perfect outfit, having your dog sweetly cuddle against you while you light a cigarette and ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Mon, 05 Feb 2007 11:03:00 PST

Question

1.  Do you think rappers believe they've made it because they appeared on MTV's Cribs?2.  Do Asians cook all the Mexican food in Mexico?  I'm just wondering if there's some kind of univ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Tue, 23 Jan 2007 01:45:00 PST

My dream script.

There isn't a title for this yet, but this is what I think about before I go to sleep.EXTERIOR DAYBeth (ME) is sitting on a pedestal eating delicious apples while several onlookers are crying.ME:(She ...
Posted by Beth Featherstone on Thu, 04 Jan 2007 12:10:00 PST