Stoneangelcrying

I wait tables nights at an Italian restaurant. I've also graduated with my Nurses Aid 1 education, but I have yet to use it, although I have been putting in some applications at some nursing home locations. Things keep coming up I don't expect. I'll take the certification test again sometime I hope, and if that doesn't work out I guess I'll try something else as a dayjob. In the meantime, I go to work so I can pay my bills and come home and be a writer. I write on the side. I'm a poet and singer and I write music, poetry, stories, beginnings of novels I have yet to finish..and also quite a bit of journalistic writing. I'm lead singer of a band we call SOULSTIEDTIGHTLY. We're on myspace (look below on the top friends) but working on getting our origonals up..alot aren't done..we're writing alot these days. SOULSTIEDTIGHTLY is me, and my friend I've playing with for like 6 or 7 fucking years on guitar Ron Speaks, but we just call him Runt, cause that's what he calls himself. I also have other music projects I'm working on. If you're a musician in this area definately contact me. I'm also writing a novel. I won't tell you anything else till it's finished, sorry. I've been writing it for 3 years but as the old saying goes, life keeps getting in the way. Plus I'm the biggest procrastinator alive. Mostly the past three years I've been writing it in my head. I'm determined not to let it stop me this time however. This time I'm finishing it if I have to tie myself to my computer chair. I also have an opera voice, but most people don't know. Dreamer, but realize that dreams have to go hand in hand with action, or they will just dissapate. I guess my biggest vice is finishing things. I wish I were better at that; trying to change that flaw. But I can amaze myself when I really care about something. When I don't I get bored easily. I have no sense of time which sometimes gets me in trouble and really makes people pissed at me. I'm pretty laid back unless you push one of my buttons, which consist of condescension, lack of honesty, complete stupidity in any form, snotty bitches, sluts, and hurting my friends and family. And if you wake me up on the wrong side of the bed, you'd better run. I'm serene but always restless. I change like the wind, but I'm not flaky about it. You might think so at first though. Wrong assumption. At the same time though, I mourne change. I've pretty much always known I don't belong in this world, but I do hope I can make some difference in it. I'm pretty open, but if I don't like you, I won't waste time on you. I refuse to know people who aren't good for my soul. Please just don't even bother if you aren't. I read constantly. Sometimes 3 books at once. In grade school I was always reading books other than the ones I was supposed to be reading, so I didn't really have much desire to be active in school activities much. I kind of regret that, and sometimes wish I could go back to especially high school with the knowledge I have now and just act like a normal person that actually socializes with people, but I guess that's just not who I am most of the time, unless you're someone that I trust. I wasn't really there all that much in high school, with the exception of chorus class and poetry readings. Most high school kids got fucked up, well, I went to poetry readings. I hung out with all the weirdos, most of which who attended other schools or were 3-5 years older than me. I'm usually calm and quiet until I'm with good friends and then we all revert back to fifteen year old girls. I'm a very nice person until you piss me off. I'm patient, but once pissed, you are on my hitlist, but I am much more likely to tell you off very aggressively than to use any sort of violence, because words just feel more natural in my hand than a loaded fist, or any other kind of tangible weapon. I tend to carry grudges. I hate that in a way, but I'd rather carry grudges than pretend I want to make things right and then stab you in the back. I can talk alot if we're close, but before you get to know me I'm very shy. I won't let you in my head easily. I write poetry on the walls. (Really, I have sketchbook pages pinned and a pen over the picture frame for such purposes.) I spent too long having to search for a pen and paper when I woke up with an idea. I have a thing for elephant incense burners and skirts and other such Indian looking things. I really dig elephant things in general for some reason. Maybe the circus did it. I'm a thrift store junkie. I can kick your ass on Buffy the vampire slayer lines. I believe in fate but I also believe in taking risks. Sometimes I think too much instead of acting. Sometimes I act too much instead of thinking. I'm trying to achieve more balance and more positivity. I can appear detached but I'm not when it's important. I don't trust easily. I have a classic A.D.D. brain. (If you don't believe me come look at my room.) I love that addictive new piercing fear, even though I hate needles. I love poetry, art and music. I'm very monogamous in my affections. I'm intuitive but distracted. I love hard, but no more will I sacrifice pieces of myself for that love. And if you ever fall in love with me you better fucking prove it. I am not your martyr. I try to use fear to propel me. If their aren't enough outlets the clock will be unplugged first. I can remember the first words my oldest friends ever said to me but not what I had for dinner last week or even where any clean socks are. I collect stones. I periodically switch heads of the bed. I tend to fuck up car directions. I like the feeling of being alone in a foreign place. I fidget when I'm nervous. I've never really understood small talk. I'm sometimes very random. On a given day I can accumulate many scraps of paper in my pockets. I appreciate companionship but am still by nature a loner. My gender, body, race, occupation, house, car, friends, lovers, religion, material possessions, and sometimes even choices (smart people sometimes make dumb choices) do not make me who I am. Who I am in my guts makes me who I am. Deal with it or walk. You don't have to befriend me. Also, if you do plan on using any knives in the course of our possible friendship, please have the decency to stab me in the front, k? Thanks. Having an A.D.D. personality, I have discovered that I have frequent ups and downs, and this is why I am sometimes an odd and hard person to deal with. It's not necessarily something I like, but it's the way things are. As a result sometimes my mind feels like a war zone. Very loud, strange footing, unstructured, sometimes lost and hard to escape; sometimes feeling like a ghost town trying to reach for the lights. Constantly back and forth, which makes me seem cold, when in reality, it's just that it's hard for my brain to stay in one place. This can be very frustrating and I don't always know how to relate besides retreating into my head and sometimes almost becoming trapped there. Moving my fingers to write is sometimes the only thing that staves off my anxiety and depressions. It's taken me a long time to discover that this is why I am the way I am and it's freed me in some ways more than any drugging up at the psychologists could, at least until I can't stand it any more and have to go on A.D.D. medication. You may catch me on a down, a random rant, or just in a blah mood from a sudden attack of sporadic depression, but this is not necessarily the way I am all the time. If you want to know me stick it out, if you don't well then fuck you, I didn't want to know you anyway. Nobody said anything was come by in life easily. Sometimes I disappear. It doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means it's normal for me to think in a room by myself for three days, as much so as society will allow. If you try to put me in a box I will flee. Their's no oxygen in there, and it's restricting and containing and I WILL NOT have it. That being said their are certain rare times when you do have to label some things, just for clarities sake. For example, if I say I'm your girlfriend, that means I don't fuck anybody else. (Yes, I really do mean that.) I'm scared of being lost, both literally and figuratively. I hold the quality verus quantity opinion to heart, especially where friends are concerned. But once you have my friendship or love, you have it forever. Unless you really fuck it up. Keep in mind, I don't hold forever lightly. However, I don't have many people who I consider real friends. Other than that, I appreciate the little things that keep me going, my animals, my music, my books, and people I care for. I like to drink and write, sit on the roof and think, and watch Buffy episodes over and over. I like to sit on the porch and write music with my friend Runt. I love sunrise, because the earth feels new. I'm a simple girl but I have complex ideals and dreams. Lately I'm discovering just as you have to let a story be what it wants, so is true of life. I've been told I think too much, so I am trying to let go of more things. I'll probably always think too much, but I'm trying to just breathe and be less held hostage by my thoughts. I'm also an all or nothing kind of person. In pretty much everything.
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"I have a self published poetry book called "Flames and Shadows" for sale, 8$. It has 47 of some of my early poems from about 4-5 years back. Most of these are shorter pieces. If you'd like to buy a copy contact me...."The ones you don't see, well, they live in these tombs..the graveyard orbit of this everyday plane. Their sleeping under your cars every morning on your way to work. Are you wondering now? Cause see, all the stains hide in the darkness. We have to pull them out into the light....." excercepts from "The Graveyard Orbit" in "Flames and Shadows: Poems by Bethany Gwen Sutton."(c) 2002-2006 Bethany Gwen SuttonIf you have a urge to contact me I can generally be found on yahoo messenger under Dreamer571 and Aim under Poetsunrises3. But if you're a dumbass, I will not hesitate to block you. ************************************************************ ***********************
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Bethany
Birthday: 1-22-82 Aquarius
Birthplace: Beaufort, SC
Current Location: Lewisville, NC
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: black, at least at the moment.
Height: 5'4
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: Irish, Scottish, English, and German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my bare feet bc I haven't gone out yet.
Your Weakness: love
Your Fears: being lost, not achieving my goals
Your Perfect Pizza: anything with spinach, peppers, or tomato
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: book my band.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up: shit, I have to get up before I fall asleep again.
Your Best Physical Feature: eyes and hair
Your Bedtime: usually late.
Your Most Missed Memory: walking in an unknown city
Pepsi or Coke: Coke.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Wendy's. But they took away my broccoli and cheese potato, so I'm a bit upset with them. LOL.
Single or Group Dates: Single.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: My mom's.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Both.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
Do you Smoke: No.
Do you Swear: oh yeah.
Do you Sing: daily.
Do you Shower Daily: Yes.
Have you Been in Love: Yes.
Do you want to go to College: been.
Do you want to get Married: I'm undecided. Only if I wanted to be with him forever.
Do you belive in yourself: sometimes.
Do you get Motion Sickness: nope.
Do you think you are Attractive: Sometimes.
Are you a Health Freak: to a certain degree.
Do you get along with your Parents: mostly just my mom.
Do you like Thunderstorms: usually you'll catch me playing in them.
Do you play an Instrument: not really enough to say I do. I just play around sometimes when I'm writing a melody.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: probably too much alcohol.
In the past month have you Smoked: no.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: no.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yes. Well I think so.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: no.
In the past month have you been on Stage: not in the past month.
In the past month have you been Dumped: no.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: no.
Ever been Drunk: many times.
Ever been called a Tease: lol, yeah.
Ever been Beaten up: no.
Ever Shoplifted: no comment.
How do you want to Die: doing something interesting. Or with someone I love beside me.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I've always wanted to sing and write.
What country would you most like to Visit: Egypt/Morocco/Ireland/India
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: green/hazel or brown
Favourite Hair Color: dark, I don't much go for blondes usually.
Short or Long Hair: either.
Height: doesn't matter.
Weight: depends on the guy.
Best Clothing Style: weird. :)
Number of Drugs I have taken: 1
Number of CDs I own: alot, before quite a few got stolen.
Number of Piercings: 5 in each ear, nose, labrae.
Number of Tattoos: none yet.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: One or two.
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"All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song--but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny." --Pablo Neruda ************************************************************ ******
Angel Style by greymentality
Name/Username
First Impression from Others Others cower in your grandeur
Your Core Is like a grande pillar
Potential to Stray from the Light 4%
Your Weakness You were a fallen angel. Climbing up again.
Your Strength You work undercover. Like NYPD Blue, but not.
Your Wings Dark dark blue, and elongated to fit like a cloak
Your Focus Humanity"s rhelms
during my worst times on the park benches in the jails or living with whores I always had this certain contentment- I wouldn't call it happiness- it was more of an inner balance that settled for whatever was occuring and it helped in the factories and when relationships went wrong with the girls.it helped through the wars and the hangovers the backalley fights the hospitals.to awaken in a cheap room in a strange city and pull up the shade- this was the craziest kind of contentment and to walk across the floor to an old dresser with a cracked mirror- see myself, ugly, grinning at it all.what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.-Charles Bukowski
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What Rock Are You? And Your Purpose... by greymentality
Name
Astrological (Sun) Sign
What Rock R You? Platinum
What is Your Purpose? I want to sing!!!! Someone listen. Please...?
I am too alone in the world, and not alone enough to make every minute holy. I am too tiny in this world, and not tiny enough just to lie before you like a thing, shrewd and secretive. I want my own will, and I want simply to be with my will, as it goes toward action, and in the silent, sometimes hardly moving times when something is coming near, I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone. I want to be a mirror for your whole body, and I never want to be blind, or to be too old to hold up your heavy and swaying picture. I want to unfold. I don't want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie. And I want my grasp of things true before you. I want to describe myself like a painting that I looked at closely for a long time, like a saying that I finally understood, like the pitcher I use every day, like the face of my mother, like a ship that took me safely through the wildest storm of all.-Rainer Maria Rilke ************************************************************ *********************************************
ONE VOICE (Smith/Daugherty)In the garden of consciousness In fertile mind there lies the dormant seed When blooming as charity Conscience breathes a sigh of relief The confessions of sleep The awakening seed Moved by love to serve We celebrate all Merit in life Ah, the confessions of sleep Unfolding peace As we extend According to need And you will hear the call All action great and small Received joyfully Heaven abounds Let love resound If he be mute Give him a bell If he be blind, an eye It he be down, a hand Lift up your voice Lift up your voice Lift up your voice Give of your mind one mind Give of your heart one heart Give of your voice One voice-Patti Smith******************************************************* *****************************************
I Am The Captain Of My SoulOut of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole. I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears, looms but the horror of the shade, and yet the menace of the years finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."Invictus," by William Earnest Henley
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars- Oscar Wilde<[I believe this: "I liked Berlin. The city and I understood each other. I liked that they left the bombed out hulk of the Kaiser Wilhelm Church as a monument to loss. Nobody had forgotten anything here. In Berlin, you had to wrestle with the past, you had to build on the ruins, inside them. It wasn't like America, where we scraped the earth clean, thinking we could start again every time. We hadn't learned yet, that their was no such thing as an empty canvas." -Janet Finch-"White Oleander">]<[But I also believe this: I cannot leave you without saying this: the past is nothing, a nonmemory, a phantom, a soundproof closet in which Johann Strauss is composing another waltz no one can hear. It is a fabrication, best forgotten, a wellspring of sorrow that waters a field of bitter vegetation. Leave it behind. Take your head out of your hands and arise from the couch of melancholy where the window-light falls against your face and the sun rides across the autumn sky, steely behind the bare trees, glorious as the high strains of violins. But forget Strauss. And forget his younger brother, the poor bastard who was killed in a fall from a podium while conducting a symphony. Forget the past, forget the stunned audience on its feet, the absurdity of their formal clothes in the face of sudden death, forget their collective gasp, the murmur and huddle over the body, the creaking of the lowered curtain. Forget Strauss with that encore look in his eye and his tiresome industry: more than five hundred finished compositions! He even wrote a polka for his mother. That alone is enough to make me flee the past, evacuate its temples, and walk alone under the stars down these dark paths strewn with acorns, feeling nothing but the crisp October air, the swing of my arms and the rhythms of my stepping-- a man of the present who has forgotten every composer, every great battle, just me, a thin reed blowing in the night. "Some Final Words" by Billy Collins>]"it is possible to be truly mad and to still exist upon scraps of life" Charles Bukowski"Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." —Paul Bowles, The Sheltering Sky
Sway with mesway with me, everything sad- madmen in stone houses without doors, lepers streaming love and song frogs trying to figure the sky; sway with me, sad things- fingers split on a forge old age like breakfast shells used books, used people used flowers, used love I need you I need you I need you: it has run away like a horse or a dog, dead or lost or unforgiving. -charles bukowski
Your Birthdate: January 22
You tend to be understated and under appreciated.
You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way.
People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little.
Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know.
Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true
Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid
Your power color: Silver
Your power symbol: Square
Your power month: April What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
What Magical Creature Are You? by greymentality
Name
Special Skills See into others future
Region of Origin The sun
Element of Relation Spirit
Your enemy Those who kill for pleasure
Your goal or destiny Save myself from myself
Type of Creature Earth Dragon
Overall Personality Idiosyncratic
"The writer is the dualist who never fights at the stated hour, who gathers up an insult, like another curious object, a collector's item, spreads it out on his desk later, and then enagages in a duel with it verbally. Some people call it weakness. I call it postponement. What is a weakness in the man becomes a quality in the writer. For he preserves, collects what will explode later in his work. That is why the writer is the loneliest man in the world; because he lives, fights, dies, is reborn always alone; all his roles are played behind a curtain." -Anais Nin.