chelsea

me. im not loud and giddy enough to be loved nor quiet and myserious enough to be feared. im just here. i like gaps in teeth. and confidence in swaggars. and character to voices. and commas in smiles. and clarity in laughs. i work hard daily at the small feats to someday accomplish the big thing. but the small feats keep piling on and the big thing seems further away the harder i work. always two steps forward and one step back. i feel very deeply but very quickly. i plan.. i dont sleep very much or very regularly. i keep people up late talking. i relate %100 to clem. i dont understand love at all. or... maybe i do. i want to be as thin as mary-kate olsen. i cut hair. i read. people more than books. i pretend to be ok. i once experienced a 'perfect summer'. its winter now and that summer feels very far off.. i like to be kissed very softly on my mouth. by girls. i dont enjoy comedic movies. i think i like to think. but i think i like to be numb *i want to want nothing but exactly this* i used to be a half. im still not whole. i used to believe in fariy tales. i do not believe in divorce. i want tatoos. i weep. i disagree with bush. i use a lot of paper on a lot of pointless words. i listen. too much. i want to be addicted. to anything. i dont have any money. im adjusted. i consume a lot but never feel consumed. i try. i try. i try................................ i love my trampoline when its summer and night and my favorite people are scattered about it smoking cigs and talking about first kisses and movies and human bodies. i appreciate intense honesty. i smoke. because i love it. the in and out of something tangible entering and exiting my lungs.. i almost cried watching interpol play live. i like pet names. i want to speak french fluently. i have a love/hate relationship with me. ive felt longing. real longing. and.. and.. i weigh 23-32 pounds more than i think i should. i aspire to live in extreme poverty for some length of time. i intend to raise vegetarian children. i pretend i speak french. im neglectful and it pains me. im judgemental. im friendly. j'adore ce soir. {......."The unknownness of my needs frightens me. I do not know how huge they are, or how high they are, I only know that they are not being met.".......} ive come to a new realization of how important being settled is to me. being secure. being safe. ive come to have a new appreciation for new jersey. i was once informed by my 'thought-mirror' that according to the theory of constuctionism i am considered a communicative genius and a spophisticated observer. i find {you} beautiful and unique. "its completely obvious whats going on" ill read your story, ill find your weakness. i might hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable with my honesty. i wont tell you how much i miss you or how much i think about you with the intensity that i mean it. i love to be alone but i hate lonliness. im afraid. 'everything is changing and i dont feel the same.' i try not to, but i fall deeper in love with you every time you smile. i want to cut your hair and make you feel pretty. i want you to tell me strange things that make me feel pretty. 'with much alcohol involved for entertainment purposes' i hate packing to leave, i love packing to come back. i want a big dog with a loud bark to protect me at night. im afraid of becoming bitter with age. i cant stand girls. i love girls. ive never felt completely understood by one person. "testing the strong ones, scarring the beautiful ones." one genuine smile can make a whole day worth it.