Many have wondered and inquired about the reclusive Madeline Hatter: who is she? What is she about? Is she involved in any organizations? Long shrouded in solitude, she's maintained ambiguity that even "Pat" would envy. But here, now, your questions will be answered.
Madeline Hatter was born in Bugtussle, Alabama in 1975 to Elmo and Louvenia Cleo. As a child, she is described as bright and eager to learn, taking a liking to stories of Shakespeare, the sounds of Chopin and WAR, and the movie Saturday Night Fever.
When asked, scores of her family members recall good memories of Madeline as a child. They smile as they reminisce of good ol' days, when Ms. Hatter carried the talent of the world upon her shoulders. "Back when she wrote that manifesto on free market something," her mother said.
But at the age of five, she was stricken with a debilitating disease called the Ayties. It would take months, even years for her to regain muscle control. She struggled to walk to a mother with feathered hair, and suffered a major setback in her recovery when, at eight years old, fell prey to stonewashed jeans.
"I believe she was truly blessed that she didn't come down with one of the other diseases," her father said, as he gazed into the sunset from the old country porch of the family's cottage. "The things I heard about Madonnacitis and Debbie Gibson's Disease," he shook his head, "I had two nephews–much older than her–that came down with leather (Thriller Syndrome) and Africa Medallionosis."
With constant love and supervision, the family says, she managed to avoid the unbearable generational infection Jheritus Curliosis, during the time she wrote for Kool Moe Dee when they met during a family trip.
But shortly after her recovery, at the age of eleven, she suffered a breakdown when news broke through her school that her first love developed FiTS, or FlatTopituS. She would not write for six years.
The news affected her so deeply, that Madeline turned to the dark side. She prayed to the Sith, developed plans to improve on the Death Star, and began prostituting herself to Star Wars Fans that dressed up as Darth Vader. Her life spiraled out of control.
Her cousin, Montedra Jones: "All she ever did was watch Star Wars and throw darts at pictures of Luke Skywalker. I think her lowest point was when she started to learn Klingon." She nodded, "Yeah. I don't think she even cared anymore."
Her eventual recuperation came in her early twenties, when she joined a support group in her new home of Atlanta, Georgia, where she and eight other associates from the group became the founding members of WAFT, Women Against Flat Tops.
Current president Jacqueline Shields praised Hatter's work with the organization. "She has been a wonderful leader. She's given us some of her strongest, most dedicated years. And through it all, it baffles me why this disease persists. They found a cure for jheri, is this issue not as important?"
Despite her secluded nature, she has a seventh degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and regularly spars with Billy Blanks to stay in shape. She also meets with Spike Lee and Ben Stiller to hang out and make fun of Bokeem Woodbine movies.
Madeline Hatter now resides in her hometown of Bugtussle, with her three cats, Salt, Peppa and Spinderella. She plans to overcome her eventual addiction to heroine at forty.
