I spend an inordinate amount of time crying. And hiding that i've been crying. It's completely absurd since i am living a sane man's dream. I have everything i've ever wanted and i still cry everyday. I stay up all night regularly. It's about four am as i write this. I don't really have trouble sleeping, but i have chronic nightmares and i am afraid to sleep. So i don't sleep. I pass out. If you think it's ridiculous to be afraid to sleep because of nightmares, you've never had a proper nightmare and you've certainly never had them almost every night for a year and a half and fuck you. I whimper in my sleep. I wake up sobbing or shaking or in absolute terror regularly. Other than that i have a wonderful life filled with love. Most of the people i know act like they love me. I am very lucky. I write music sometimes. I'm in a band. Yes, we play shows. Yes, we have an album. Yes, you can buy it at major record stores. No, i don't have any money. I like video games more than anything else i do and i'm not ashamed of it. However, please note that I do not buy or play: Halo n, God of War n, or Grand Theft Auto n. My favorite game ever is Final Fantasy Tactics (ps1) and you've probably never played it. If the idea that i think you've never played it is insulting to you, maybe we can be friends. I prefer games with lots of reading and menus that feature big headed japanese children and take place on grids and are turn based. I also like stylized simulations of real life, i.e.: The Elder Scrolls, Forza Motorsport, etc. I like games wherein you can sleep. My best friend's name is Janava and she is a better person than you are. If you and i and her were trapped on a boat together, i'd kill you with my bare hands so that she could eat. If i didn't have her i would be dead. I am not exaggerating. I am a snow jew, but i don't observe or drink vodka. I do like borscht. Honestly, I think separating your self or celebrating yourself because of your race or faith or sexual preference is akin to being a bigot and just as revolting. I don't care where you are from or what you believe or what gender you prefer. Just drop it. Nobody gives a shit. If you were so proud of yourself you wouldn't need to tell me about it. I don't care. Go have anal sex with a monkey while reciting catholic scripture in mandarin. I don't want to know. I tell people i'm crazy not because i'm proud of it but because i want to warn them that my personality may change suddenly. I know you think that everyone is crazy. I used to think so too. You are wrong. Crazy is not fun or charming or enjoyable. Crazy is 18 months of fucking nightmares and crying for reasons you don't understand while you're pretty sure that you're having a good time and you shouldn't be crying. You don't want it and be careful what you wish for. There are three types of crazy. People who know it, people who don't know it, and people who think they are napoleon. I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me very much though i don't really understand why...but i am very lucky to have her and i know it and i remind her all the time how much i love and value her and that she's free to leave at anytime if it gets to be too much. I do drugs because when i don't i forget that life is worth living. For most people, a drug habit causes more problems than it alleviates. For me this is not the case. You may feel sorry for me or shake your head in disgust or sadness at my delusions. You may also go fuck yourself. No one can say that i do not give my all when i perform. When i am on my knees in front of my amplifier i feel right. I feel normal. It is the only time. All i want from my life is to be happy. To live a normal life and be a normal boy. But i can't and that is very frustrating. I don't always know why i am crying, but sometimes i do. I spend most of the time i have to myself watching the history channel or playing video games. I enjoy theoretical history very much. Civilization is an excellent game because it combines the two. I am scared of stupid things. Phones, sleeping, sex, leaving my door open. I wasn't always like this. A good friend ruined my life with his selfishness, but i helped with my own obliviousness and inability to change. I like to be alone but it's not always safe for me. I don't leave the house alone except to go to work. I say work, but really i spend time trying to help at my mother's shop to alleviate my guilt at being unable to maintain my own existence. If she were not the boss i would have been fired thirty times over. i do not exaggerate. I am tired of writing but it feels good to be honest. I'm sorry if i've done something to shatter your perception of me. The person i am on stage is not the person i am in real life. The person i am when you meet me casually is not the person i am with my true friends. There are very few of those. Maybe three. I don't trust anyone really. Maybe one. I used to trust these two people. 18 months ago. Now i use secrets to test people's loyalty to me. I started crying and stopped eight times while writing this paragraph. I do not exaggerate. Don't pity me, i am very lucky. I know i am. I keep living because people love me and i don't want to hurt anyone else. I am afraid to trust people because i don't want to lose anyone else.
Uematsu-san.
Who i'd like to fucking meet: Real live humans. Take off your layers of pink saran wrap and greet reality. Everytime you drink a coke, a fairy strangles an infant and wears it's infant intestines like a pretty red stole. Run from that in your Nike's that were assembled by a nine year old rape victim in saipan. But i won't judge you. Cool shoes.
Also:
♥ ♥ ♥
a.k.a.
♥
Also, a warning for the bands that bombard my friend request box thing...if your profile says you are from LA and it seems like you are overly proud of this fact...i probably will deny you without listening to your music. Sorry. I just haven't got the time to waste listening to you play someone else's songs, no matter how much time you spent fixing your hair and picking out your (admittedly, awfully nice) pants. At least metallica had the decency to PRETEND they were from san francisco. Oh, and MEGADETH forever.
Adventure is your friend. If, as a musician, you try and sound like the things that you like, you'll suck forever. Build. Be interesting. Take chances. Momentum is king. Transition is the art of music. Break stuff. If all else fails, hurt yourself. Try: A Minor Forest, Hickey, The Cardigans, The Cure, Madness, Crass, Rudimentary Peni, Bjork, Wu Tang, Sonic Youth, Zoltan Kodaly, Bela Bartok, Astrud Gilberto, Rosemary Clooney, Nina Simone, Pixies, Frank Sinatra, Patsy Cline, Nas, Radiohead (the only important band in rock music today), The Ronnettes, The Shangri La's, Astor Piazzola, Johnny motherfucking Cash, Heavy Vegitable, Pinback, Thingy, yeah, alright, fine, Weezer, but i think Rivers is taking his gift for granted, anything that Kim or Kelly Deal have every touched, TKD6K, The Breeders, The Amps, etc. Willie Nelson, Michael Jackson, Wilson Pickett, Marvin Gaye, Al Green, still reading? Unwound, June of '44, Rodan, Polvo, Slint, The Faggz, Fuckface, Neurosis, Tupac, A Tribe Called Quest, Rimsky-Korsakov, Blondie, The Clash, Gakt, L'arc~n~Ciel, Asian Kung Fu Generation, Vivaldi, Vaselines, Bleach ♥ , Seo Taiji, Edith Piaf, Fastbacks, Hot Snakes, Drive Like Jehu, Don Caballero, Sondheim, Wagner, Mahler, Goreki, Prokofiev, Mates of State, Schoenberg, Nirvana, Queen!, My Way My Love, Megadeath, Bowie, The Smiths, The Animals, The Cure again in case you missed it, Rachmaninoff, Sarah Vaughn, Billie Holliday, Coltrane, Pharoh Sanders, Charlie Parker, Stravinsky, Junior Wells, Portishead, Clikitata Ikatowi, Portraits of Past, Tom Petty, the list goes on forever. Remember that if you find new music threatening, you're getting old. And go see some opera, expand your horizons, damnit. Knowing more never hurts you. Well...that's a lie, but opera is still thrilling. Go see for yourselves.
Which Guns N' Roses album are you? Your Result: Appetite For Destruction
You are an angry, mean, dangerous, and destructive person. But it's not all bad, you are also sweet, occasionally funny, and vulnerable. You are frustrated with your life and hope it improves.
Doctor Zhivago. Spirited Away. The Princess Bride. Grave of the Fireflies. Ghandi. Jacob's Ladder. Snatch. The Shining. Benny and Joon. Fight Club. Sophie's Choice. 12 Monkeys. LOTR. Star Wars. Legend. Pitch Black. Alien 1, 3, and 4. Matrix 1. V for Vendetta. Hell House.
Watch this, nerds: http://www.gamevideos.com/video/id/10326
And this is my stipid rock band.
"I was on my knees, and on the point of possessing my darling, when two bearded bathers, the old man of the sea and his brother, came out of the sea with exclamations of ribald encouragement, and four months later she died of typhus in Corfu." -Vladimir Nobokov, Lolita.
..