Deep South - The Bar

Heroes:

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Deep South-The Rules
Idiot-Free Zone
At Deep South—The Bar the customer is NOT always right. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, especially if we think that you’re a great big jerk. We strive to keep Deep South—The Bar an official “Idiot-Free Zone” at all times, so if you’re acting like an idiot, we’ll be sure to let you know, right before we throw you out.
Read the Drink Menus
Almost everything you could possibly need to know about our drinks is printed pretty clearly in many places. Please read them thoroughly. If you ask us stupid questions we will be forced to mock you mercilessly.
No Whining
Deep South—The Bar is not a public library. It is a privately owned bar and as such we enforce a very strict “No-Whining” policy. We’re sorry if you feel that the music is too loud or the bar area is too smoky, but if you need to have total control over your environment then just. go. home.
Smoking
You may smoke cigarettes at Deep South—The Bar. We do not allow the smoking of cigars, pipes, or clove cigarettes at any time.
Separate Checks
You must ask your Server or Bartender for a separate check when you are placing your order, otherwise you’re just screwing up our system. We reserve the right to decline requests for separate checks, but we will gladly supply you with a calculator.
Payment:
We also accept most major credit..debit cards. We do not accept personal checks or traveler’s checks. We love cash. Tightwads are not welcomed:
A 20% gratuity (or more) is very standard and appreciated. If you think that tipping is a scam, then buy yourself a 6-pack, stay home, and watch NASCAR. If you can hear your tip hit the bar, chances are that you’re being too cheap.
Amateurs BE WARNED:
Deep South—The Bar offers a nice selection of beer and spirits in a casual, fun atmosphere, so it’s not surprising that a lot of really cool people enjoy hanging out at our bar. For people who don’t normally spend much time in bars, we have compiled this guideline of acceptable bar behavior. If you act like an Amateur, we’ll probably treat you like one.
Spotting an Amateur…
Amateurs
Amateurs are drunken idiots who have no problem vandalizing, stealing, or destroying our property, all the while being very annoying to those around them. It’s easy to spot amateurs because they often make loud, hooting, animal-like noises for no apparent reason. They don’t seem to have any idea how pathetic their behavior is, but it’s really obvious to everyone else. There are many other bars in town that cater to amateurs, almost exclusively. We would prefer that you patronize those establishments if you insist on behaving like you only go out once a year.
Providing Identification
We I.D. people. Don’t ask why. And by the way, “How old do you think I am?” is a stupid question. State Fair geeks get paid to guess your age. We don’t. By law, you must present valid identification to consume alcohol no matter how old you are. If you didn’t bring your ID with you and you are refused a drink, it’s your own damned fault.
Choosing a Drink
When the bar is busy, you should know what you want to drink when the Bartender approaches. Questions like, “What’s a good shot?” or “What beers do you have?” are silly and time consuming, especially when we’re busy. We have a nice selection of beers and spirits. If you’re not sure what you want, please review our drink menu.
Ordering From the Bartender
Never say, “I’ll have a gin and tonic, and make it strong.” In doing so, you call into question our Bartender’s ability to make a drink. You also make yourself look like a cheap idiot. If you want a double, ask for a double– and be prepared to pay for a double. Never snap your fingers or whistle at the Bartender, unless they happen to be a Golden Retriever.
Bullies
Our staff will not tolerate bullies…
Oh look-at-you; you made your 21-year-old waitress cry. Aren’t you a stud? Listen jack-ass; don’t bring your bad attitude in here, because we’ll kick you out so fast it’ll make your head spin. You can take your money and your hostility somewhere else. Or just go home and kick the dog like you usually do. Our staff is simply trying to earn an honest living, and have a little fun along the way. When they are treated in a courteous manner by their customers, their customers are treated the same way in return. It’s called mutual respect. Most decent people understand this basic concept.
Paying For Your Drink
If you are ordering “cash & carry” at the bar, have your money ready. Fumbling for your wallet or purse prevents the Bartender from waiting on other customers.
Don’t be a Dumb Ass
Few things are as embarrassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar. Do everyone a favor; when you feel you have had enough, cut yourself off – before you get stupid. If you insist on making a dumb-ass of yourself when you drink, then drink only on Saint Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve. These are official “Amateur Nights.” You will have lots of company.
Whiners
We don’t mind hearing constructive criticism from our good patrons. It helps us recognize areas of our operation that need our attention. However, there is a big difference between people who offer useful suggestions and people who whine. Just stop and listen to yourself. If you’re whining, we really don’t care what you have to say. Why don’t you try expressing yourself like an adult? What are you, five years old? No wonder you can’t get a date, poopie-pants.
Behaving Responsibly
Don’t be an idiot. Don’t drink and drive. If you do not have a designated driver and you are unsure of your own condition, please never hesitate to ask – we will gladly call you a taxi. Cab-it (it’s the right thing to do).
MEMBERSHIP RIGHTS
Property rights are the most basic of civil rights and are the cornerstone of our free society. Yet bullies, busybodies, and others of the like have spent years trying to blur the distinction between the concept of “open-to-the-public” and “publicly-owned.” They do not mean the same thing.
Like most businesses, Deep South—The Bar is operated on private property. When we open our doors to the public we allow individuals permission to enter our property if they so desire, but we do not grant anyone the “right” to remain on the premises. Being the guest of any property owner is a privilege, revocable at anytime. If we do not appreciate someone’s behavior while at Deep South—The Bar, as the property owner we reserve the right to remove that person at our sole discretion. In other words, no one can force us to put up with you if we think you’re acting like a jack-ass.
In Hospitality Industry terms, being asked to leave a bar, club, or restaurant is known as being “86’d.” So if we have to toss your stupid ass out of Deep South—The Bar for acting like an idiot, don’t be telling us about your “rights.” Just shut up and get out. Better yet, do us all a big favor and don’t act like an idiot to begin with.