Jesus

Jesus loves you...kinda.Let's see...where to begin...Well, I am the son of God, and the messiah. Some arrogant people say they are bigger than Jesus. I'd say that, but alas, I AM Jesus. It may sound wonderful, but it's quite the pain in the holy ass. I mean, I am the most well known figure in the history of civilization. I was there during the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the end of World War I, the moon landing, and just about every other important event in the history of the world. Yet I am not congratulated for these accomplishments. Instead I am asked, "Where were you during the holocaust? The World Trade Center bombings? The re-election of President Bush?" Put simply, I was napping. Do you think that because I am the son of God, I don't need rest every once in a while? Do you have any idea how tiring it is dealing with the evil of the world, sorting through all the paperwork every day, and deciding who goes where after they die? Not to mention all the prayers I constantly have to hear. Must you people be so needy? It's amazing I even have time to smite anyone anymore. Sometimes I wonder how I get it all done. Then I remember...I am Jesus fucking Christ, and I weep, because I am too busy with you people to keep up with Days of Our Lives, and it just about kills me. And it is impossible to go anywhere without hearing some talk about me. I'm sick of hearing about myself. It's rarely good talk either. It's always "Why this?" and "Why that?". Bitch, bitch, bitch. It's all I hear, and it drives me ape shit. It's like having six billion wives, and they all always want some bullshit, and if I don't pay attention to their every need, they won't love me anymore. It's driving me insane. Why don't you try being the controller of everything, the whiny little shits?! Everyone "loves" Jesus, but I think it's clear that no one likes me. People always have something bad to say. Luckily, I'm very good at alluding the bullshit. Paparazzi never get a good shot of me. They are forced to print shots of my face on muffins or used condom wrappers. The dead aren't any better. Heaven is paradise. The everlasting party. A reward. Yet I can't go two millenium without having some Mormon dick head from Salt Lake asking me when we are going to install the new ping-pong tables. God, I hate Mormons. Is that wrong, that I hate? Hmmm...ponderous. I guess not. I make the rules, after all. So overall, being the son of God is hard work, especially because he makes me do everything. Apparently he thinks he's retired now. I just think he's lazy, but what the hell, it keeps me busy. Other than ruling the cosmos, I just like to ponder my existence and hang out with my best friend, Sir Chase. I like long walks on the beach and fruit baskets. So if any ladies out there want to hook up, just give me a prayer. I have a prayer filter that sorts through and extracts the sexy prayers. Maybe I'll see you around..... Home | Browse | Search | Invite | Film | Mail | Blog | Favorites | Forum | Groups | Events | Videos | Music | Comedy | Classifieds