TOR profile picture

TOR

i just may know a thing or two about a thing or two

About Me



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis but no, I did not write this. Who am I?

My Interests

Its the simple things in life that keep me happy really....like the lost art of conversation, good lighting, perfect timing, keeping secrets, starting rumors, late nights, high stakes, hand guns, spray paint, eating out, covert operations, strategy, good form, racing cars, monster trucks, tattoos, excellence, elegance, genius, beauty, ebay, cheap thrills, guitars, drum solos, anything with chocolate, custom choppers, over-blown hype, finding stuff, telling a good story, taking things by storm, being completely open and honest, totally lying, obsessing weekly, gentlemenly manners, proper etiquette, anything that costs an absurd amount of money, sex scandal, songs that have black chicks singing back-up and playing tamborine, slightly burnt popcorn, a good pair of sunglasses, a good pair of handcuffs, the hot-rod/pin-up asthetic, dj-ing, making mix tapes/discs, in general, listening and collecting music, ignoring the obvious (sometimes on purpose sometimes not), shooting my mouth off, i'm a sucker for any magazine with a super glossy cover, doing things the hard way, taking the easy way out, 80's porshes, my black t-shirt collection, red meat, red velvet cake, New York, Hollywood, Glenn Barr paintings, Lo-Brow Art, blues harmonica solos, rock-show posters, a good flyer, a good guitar riff, good friends, being just slightly more warm than is necessary, jedi mind tricks, creative manipulation on many different levels, things that are funny, people that are funny, making shit up, playing with fire, taking shortcuts, just making it by the skin of my teeth, black or white, on or off, rock that rocks, fate and destination, taking on sartorial conundrums 3 at a time, but driving up Pacific Coast Highway through Malibu as the sun threatens to go down on a Sunday afternoon is my idea of going to church.

I'd like to meet:

My son, who makes his big debut on this planet in or around Aug 26th....stay tuned

Music:

If listening to Otis Redding or Sam Cooke or James Brown dont put a smile on your face or a tear in your eye, i dont wanna know you. Then again, there is a soft spot in my heart for that rare and barely ever heard of Hair Metal band that i'm looking for like Hurricane, Black n Blue, Rough Cutt or something. But it did all start with the blues, and it just dont get no mo' blue than Howlin' Wolf or Muddy Waters...i said GOD DAMN! Overall though, i'd have to say that loud guitars are very important to me. Loud drums go with that. And good lyrics are a must. But vibe and attitude are everything. I am definately a firm believer in music that makes you throw your fist in the air and scream at the top of your lungs. I'm currently and always listening to The Sonics, Alice Cooper, Backyard Babies, Kiss, Van Halen, AC/DC, Bad Co., The Ramones, Rancid, the holy trinity of Led Zep/the Stones/Who, ALL, Sweet, the Wildhearts, Billy Idol, Hanoi Rocks, NY Dolls, Cheap Trick, Elvis, Misfits, Rocket from the Crypt, Miles, Tom Petty and the Heartbeakers, The Faces, Supersuckers, Chuck Berry, Buckcherry, Queen, The Cult, Little Richard, Sly and the Family Stone, Social Distortion, The Hellacopters, Pantera, the Clash, STP, the Cars, Otis Redding, Black Crowes, Judas Priest, Thin Lizzy, Aerosmith, Sam Cooke, Velvet Revolver, Faster Pussycat, GnR, ZZmutha-lovin' Top ...praise the good lord and the Reverend Billy G! and Motley fucking Crue. And i must mention Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet for My Valentine and a hand full of the younger metal bands out there.

Movies:

From the time I wake up in the morning til the time i go to sleep in the morning is a movie for me. I am up for an Academy Award but what i really want to do is direct. How about...American Psycho, The Red Baloon, Dogtown Z-Boys, Kill Bill vol.2, Wonderland, Boogie Nights, Doom Generation, Honeysuckle Rose, Spun, Almost Famous, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Crimes and Misterminers, Empire Strikes Back, Busty Cops 2. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Citizen Cane, 21 Grams, Fargo, Will Farrell movies. Seems Like Old Times, Ocean's Eleven, Love Bites, Kiss Meets the Phantom, the Godfather, The Kid Stays in the Picture, Raising Arizona, Do the Right Thing, State & Main, Fight Club, that pirate movie with Johnny Depp...pirate movies in general, a good western is always a site for sore eyes... like Siverado or the Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. The Cane Mutiny, the Godfather II, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Over the Edge, Orgazmo, The Three Amigos, Popeye the Movie, Spies Like Us, Neighbors, New Jack City, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Big Lobowski, The Aviator, I heart Huckabees, the Incredibles, Wet Hot American Summer, Sin City, Walk the Line, and Goodfellas.

Television:

"Who needs TV when i've got T.Rex?" I do! I seem to be drawn to shows that are destined to be canceled shortly after they hit the air. Arrested Development is/was probably the best show to ever hit the airwaves. Significant Others, Sports Night, Sons & Daughters, The Tick. The list goes on and on. But i'm no fool i waste my time on shows i know will be around a while as well. Rescue Me, Family Guy, Its Always Sunny In Philidelphia, Simpsons, South Park, Flight of the Concords, The Office, Earl, Scrubs, Big Love, Dead Like Me, Biker Build-Off, Entourage, Desperate Housewives. That's right Desperate Housewives! I said it. I used to watch Melrose Place too. Problem? But hands down the best show on the the ol' HD is 30 Rock. no contest.

Books:

The story of my life would make a good book. Its just that every publisher i approch wants to release it as a coloring book. It has something to do with "demographics"? i don't know... but if youre looking for a good read check out "Gentlemanly Repose" by Mike Ruffino. Its sorta like The Dirt by Motley but somehow crazier and way funnier, if you can believe it. The Art of Modern Rock is my new bible. Not that i had an old bible i just really dig the book. Swag 2 is also good if yer into that kinda thang. Oh and the Billy F. Gibbons book is way cool if youre the type that likes more pictures than words.....like me.

Heroes:

Pirates, Outlaws, Rock Stars, Socialites, Gil Elvgren, Myron Grombacher, Mike Campell, Gary Richrath & Jean Beauvior respectfly (If you know who they are then you know why.) Oh, and of course, Mr. Alec Baldwin & Mr. Robert Evans and the person who wrote this riff....HIT IT!

My Blog

Karma Aint A Bitch After All (Slash Fucking Stepped On My Shoulder, Dude! pt.2)

So in one of my eariler blogs i tell the story of how i was front row at a Velvet Revolver show and yanked a guitar pic off right off of Slash's guitar mid-solo to give to the 10 year old fanatic sta...
Posted by TOR on Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:38:00 PST

I Officially Announce My Retirement From Rock N Roll

After ten years with Joker Five Speed and a lifetime of playing music I have decided to retire from the world of rock n roll.  This was not an easy decision to make.  I have spent my entire life tra...
Posted by TOR on Tue, 08 Nov 2005 10:05:00 PST

Ah, Little Boys and Their Dads...the true story of my first guitar

had my first band in jr. high i was just the singer my guitar player left his guitar at my house all the time that's when i picked it up i wanted a guitar so bad after that but knowing my dad would ta...
Posted by TOR on Wed, 05 Oct 2005 10:20:00 PST

Slash fucking stepped on my shoulder, dude!

I get a call from Joseph about 6:ish on Saturday nite. He tells me that he's on plus one for the grand opening for the new Hard Rock Hotel in Time Square. Velvet Revolver is playing...let's go. I love...
Posted by TOR on Sun, 18 Sep 2005 03:04:00 PST

What Do You Believe In?

I believe in the balance. I believe nothing should be taken for granted. I believe in good and bad vibes and their power to dictate what happens in any given situation. I believe that we make our o...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

These are random thoughts

I wish I had my shit together i wish what keeps me going could keep me going i wish i liked to read i wish i was better with numbers i wish i could see things the way others see them i wish i und...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

That was fun, let's do it again sometime

We all have our favorite bands. Those bands that for whatever reason make you feel indestructable when you hear their music. They pick you up when your down. They make the good times somehow better...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

...Thank You

I feel that I owe. I woke up this morning and came to the realization that i am i lucky man. Not that i've never taken the time to realize that before. but today was a little different. I may not ha...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

I could use a day off.

I could use a day off. how 'bout you? I could use a day but probably need two to just re-charge. at this point i'd settle for a full nite's sleep that goes longer than 4 hours. There are people ...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Its gonna be okay.

Everyday. Ever-y-day. Its really incredible. I have a friend who was very recently injured in a flook (how DO you spell that?) of a subway accident. it could have been way worse but thankfully it wa...
Posted by TOR on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST