Darth Vader

Hi there. My name's Darth Vader, and I'm a Dark Lord of the Sith, and apprentice to the Emperor. I have a lovely red lightsaber that I use to cut down enemies of the Empire, and I'm highly skilled in the use of the Dark Side of the Force, which can provide endless entertainment at Imperial parties. I also have two estranged children in foster care.My psychotherapist said that I have rage problems, an inferiority complex, and unresolved issues with my Mother. I choked him to death.QUESTIONS PROVIDED BY TARTAN PUNK FAIRY:1- IF/WHEN YOU BECOME EMPEROR WHO WILL YOU HAVE AS YOUR NEW APPRENTICE AND WHY?I would like to have Luke, so I could have a Vader and Son thing going on, but the ungrateful boy wont take up the family business of being evil and angry. Kids today... I had a great Sith name lined up for him too: Darth Vader Junior.2- WOULD YOU CONSIDER MAKING THE DEATH STAR ENERGY EFFICIENT TO REDUCE CARBON EMISSIONS? IF NOT WHY?No I wouldn't. Why? Because we're not referred to as an evil Empire for nothing.3- IF YOU CRASHED ON A REMOTE PLANET WITH 0 INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS AND YOU COULD ONLY TAKE 3 ITEMS WITH YOU, WHAT WOULD YOU TAKE?My lightsaber, a holo communicator, and my spaceship. I learnt my lesson the last time that occurred. My ship crashed after some new clones put unleaded in the tank instead of Ion matter.4- WHEN DESTROYING A PLANET WHAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT USUALLY POPS INTO YOUR HEAD?"That was fun" The second thing that pops into my head is: "wonder what's for breakfast".5- WHAT MOTIVATES YOU IN THE MORNING? Jumpleads attached to a large battery. My suit takes a while to get going.6- OBVIOUSLY CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS ARE WORTH TORTURING FOR A BIT BEFORE KILLING THEM, WHO WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO TORTURE AND WHY?Jarjar Binks, and why? Well that hardly requires an explanation.DARTH ZANNAH ASKS: 1- “I HOPE I’M NOT BEING TOO PERSONAL BUT I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED, IS YOUR WEDDING TACKLE ALL IN ORDER?”Unfortunately, after the incident on Mustafar, the only long extendable thing with a red end that I own is my lightsaber. Only the Italian model of the Sith life preserving suit comes with that appendage. Regrettably, the Emperor did not think it appropriate to equip me with that particular extra. He mentioned something about cutting costs…2- “WHAT’S YOUR OPINION ON THE SMOKING BAN?”There is a strict no smoking policy on all Imperial ships and Death Stars, so it is no real change to the Empire. We do not want a repeat of what happened to the regrettable, but aptly named star destroyer, Fireball.3- “WOULD YOU SAY YOU’RE A DOMINAEERING SORT OF DAD… OR ARE YOU EASY GOING, SPOIL THE KIDS, LET THEM DO WHATEVER THEY WANT?”When my daughter wouldn't tell me where her friends hung out I destroyed her planet, and when my son disobeyed me I cut off his hand. So, I believe that places me somewhere in-between.SLADE ASKS: DO I GET A SABER?After passing the Imperial screening process, to ensure you're not a Jedi, a servant of the forces of good, or had any connection to MacDonalds or Walmart, it's up to a ten working day wait depending on what colour you require. You must provide the galactic credits for the postage and packaging: again, it's the 'evil' Empire factor.HERO OF 1000 FACES ENQUIRES: HOW DO I BECOME A SITH? HOW DO I GET A SITH NAME? HOW DO I JOIN THE DARK SIDE?It's quite simple to join, first you must be recommended by one of our current members, or collect five of our exclusive tokens when we have a special offer running. Sith names are provided by your master based on your own personality, what particular qualities you bring to the position, and most importantly, what sounds cool and evil. Joining the Dark side is easy, just give in to your anger, use the force for personal gain, and slap people around.AGENT NIGHT COMMENTS THAT “THE-BAD-IN-BLACK LOOK IS AMAZING ON YOU, I THINK WE ALL WANT TO LOOK THAT COOL. THE MOJO IS JUST OVERPOWERING DO YOU HAVE ANY WARDROBE TIPS FOR US MERE MORTALS WHO WANT TO COMMAND A MERE FRACTION OF THE ATTENTION AS YOU DO?”What tips I can provide is that a cape is a necessity for the ‘I want to rule the galaxy’ look; accessorising is important: you want to consider what colour lightsaber matches your outfit; and finally, be practical, as slaughtering Jedi is quite a strenuous activity, you might want to consider a material that is breathable, but will also look cool and swirl around.VERSION 30.0 SAYS “THAT SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU BREATH IS SO VERY INTIMIDATING. IT IS A VALUABLE ASSET AS A DARK WARRIOR LEADING BY MIGHT AND RULING BY FEAR. DO YOU HAVE SLEEP APNEA?”When I rest, my breathing apparatus is connected to a generator while the filters are cleaned, so no I don’t. Its amazing how much grime one picks up from the air when you are a Sith Lord. Either throttling the incompetent or bring about the end of the Jedi, it’s all dirty work. Once the filters clogged up entirely and Tarkin had to hit me on the back to jump start the motors.ASK ME ANYTHING, SEND ME A MESSAGE: MY FAVOURITES WILL BE ADDED TO AND ANSWERED ON MY PROFILE. THE EMPEROR WILL BE PLEASED WITH MY PROGRESS.

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